Wolf Blitzer Suffers Breakdown After Being Told “There’s No News Happening Now,” Begins Reporting News from Ten Years Ago
By Brandon J. Weichert
WASHINGTON, D.C.— For some time now, CNN has been losing a brutal ratings war with competitors FOX News and MSNBC. One show in particular, Wolf Blitzer’s The Situation Room, is known for reporting the most mundane news articles in the most jarring and exciting ways. This has led to many to unofficially dub Wolf Blitzer as “America’s Fluffer.”
On Friday’s show, all was proceeding normally: the theme music was bombastic; the opening logos were flashing and whizzing by on the screen; and Wolf Blitzer was escalating into what he once described as full “Wolf” mode. The show’s opening, climaxing with Wolf Blitzer’s “This is happening now…!” decree, was cut short when, after making his opening catchphrase, he paused and stated, “… Nothing is happening now.” Several more seconds passed until he began crying and screaming incoherently on screen.
“It was a train wreck like I’d never seen before,” said Blitzer’s longtime producer, who wished to remain nameless, “and I was here when Mickey Rourke challenged Piers Morgan to a duel on set! We had warned Wolf there was no major breaking news and we were going to have to just endlessly speculate on what we already knew. This just didn’t sit well with him.”
Sources say that Blitzer had been quite agitated all day and he finally didn’t realize just how dire the news situation was until he was sitting on set, broadcasting on live television, and doing the opening of his show. “Everyone has a breaking point,” remarked his producer. “Wolf has been pushing so hard to break the most mundane news to the American people, that he just couldn’t believe that we’d actually run out of fluff to push.”
At one point in the now-infamous broadcast, Blitzer began demanding that they start airing their “greatest hits” and started reporting “Breaking News: The Bush Administration has invaded Iraq, on this day, March 15, 2003!” He then tried to cut to Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld for further comment.
“We just ran out of things to report on. It happens,” quoted a seasoned CNN cameraman who remained anonymous. “Normally when that happens, he’s professional and just starts making the show into an outright Liberal polemic. This time, he decided to have a tantrum. I mean, what else are we going to do if there’s no shooting in the country that we can pin on the Tea Party? Report on the Syrian genocide? Please! That’s just so yesterday.”
“I can’t blame Wolf,” said Steve Pinkerton of The American Spectator and frequent critic of Liberal bias in the media. “He was expressing our shared disappointment about the state of affairs in the media.”
The answer may be more banal than one thinks. Apparently, Blitzer and his colleague Christiane Amanpour had locked themselves in a CNN dressing room for hours and proceeded to engage in a drinking contest, after Wolf claimed that he could “drink [Amanpour’s] limey arse under the table!” Producers had to physically break down the door and remove the inebriated Blitzer from the dressing room and drag him on set to film the show.
But one CNN executive says that this behavior is neither new nor exclusive only to Blitzer. “You should’ve seen Larry [King] back in the day with Christiane—they’d get into drunken arm wrestling matches during the first Desert Storm—when it was rumored that Christiane was angling for Larry’s job.”
“We were all quite tickled over here at The Factor,” said rival anchor Bill O’Reilly of FOX News’ The O’Reilly Factor— a man who is stranger to on-air breakdowns—as he watched playback of Blitzer’s faux pas. “This is my favorite part!” O’Reilly exclaimed as Blitzer collapsed to the floor and began screaming at the ceiling, “Why do you people [The Situation Room producers] keep changing camera angles at random?! I never know where to look! I look like a jackass!”
According to the Nielsen Ratings Service, Blitzer’s breakdown on live television was the highest rated CNN program since the actual invasion of Iraq in 2003. “It certainly decimated our ratings for the evening,” explained rival host Chris Mattews of MSNBC’s Hardball. “The two aging, acid-tripping hippies and three feces-throwing monkeys that routinely watch my show switched over to CNN when word began spreading of Wolf’s supposed break with reality.” (When informed that Blitzer attributed his breakdown to a combination of booze and lack of actual news, Matthews indignantly stated, “What a bunch of malarkey! ‘Lack of news to report?’ We’ve been out of news for almost twelve years and we just make sh*t up now! And I’ve been drunk since I worked in the Carter White House! ” He added angrily, “Tell Wolfie to get the hell over it and just start yelling, like I do!”)
There is some question as to when Mr. Blitzer can return to his show and if it will remain in the same format. A head of CNN programming told The Washington Fancy that the ratings for Blitzer’s breakdown were so successful that the network may grant him a two-hour block to simply rant and rave, which would be called “The Wolf Blitzkrieg.”
Of course, this could be a dangerous prospect, since Blitzer’s rants weren’t all humorous. He is facing several anti-deformation lawsuits for insulting Jews, Catholics, and Muslims during his rant. He is even facing a lawsuit from a prominent Sikh group after referring to them as the “funny hat people.”
“There’s a bright side to this, after all.” Blitzer’s longtime producer said, “Blitzer got three prominent religious groups [Catholics, Jewish-Americans, and Muslim-Americans] who are divided by centuries of violence and dislike, to band together in a common cause.”
“One thing is for certain,” Larry King said in a statement on the incident, “America needs its Fluffer back.”
The Situation Room with Wolf Blitzer airs weekdays from 4-7pm, Eastern Standard Time.