New Weiner-Themed Restaurant “Porkulus” Owned by Herman Cain and Bill Clinton Leaves Parents & Prostitutes Enraged
By Brandon J. Weichert
ATLANTA—The Primary Season has long been over and America has settled on two presidential candidates, but many are wondering where some of politics’ biggest stars have been? Well, The Washington Fancy is pleased to report that two of the biggest stars, former President Bill Clinton and former 2012 Republican Presidential Candidate Herman Cain, are opening their own sausage-themed restaurant in downtown Atlanta called “Porkulus.”
“If there’s one thing these two men [Clinton and Cain] know well, it’s how to sell sausage,” said a spokesman from the Atlanta Mayor’s office. “We’ve been waiting for these two scions of political discourse to press some flesh and come in our city,” speaking vis-à-vis city permits.
The restaurant itself is located in the center of the southern metropolis at an intersection where wholesome meets raunchy; on one side of the restaurant is a series of all-girl Catholic high schools, and on the other side are a series of gentlemen’s clubs. The restaurant itself has garnered controversy, since the building is being fashioned to resemble a gigantic, erect, brown sausage.
“Look familiar?” Clinton teased Cain in his usual, wry tone. Cain merely responded with a devilish smirk and a playful wink.
Many denizens of Atlanta appear to be divided on this issue, some hoping for good food and good times, others offended by the themes of the restaurant. But for Clinton and Cain, it’s a way back into the game.
“It’s an assault on our cherished Christian values and girls!” decried Pastor Josiah Jasper, head of the city’s interfaith council.
“It gives me something to do,” said Cain, “something I do very well,” he furthered his statement, adding a creepy chuckle at the end.
The restaurant itself is unlike any other restaurant of its type. Upon entering, one will find that the sausage-shaped building is actually quite large and dark inside – like something from a Las Vegas Strip Club – replete with stripper poles and staffed with “Weiner Girls” – big-haired, busty, Linda Tripp-types who wear Monica Lewinksy-style berets and form-fitting latex suits.
“It’s the only Weiner-themed restaurant where they actually discriminate based on sex, hairstyle, and age,” claimed Sasha Ruiz, a potential hire at Porkulus and recent graduate of St. Mary’s all-girl Catholic High School who moonlights as a stripper.
Many of the city’s strippers and prostitutes are as enraged as local parents groups are, having been pushed out of the area – and work – by construction and a higher police presence. “We gotta make a livin’, and this place just impringes [EDITOR’S NOTE: we believe the interviewee meant “infringes”] on that!” said local prostitute ‘Lusty Louisa,’ whose vocabulary was as creative as her dress sense. She continued, “They bringin’ all these prissy young girls in there— chargin top dollar —we know exactly what’s goin’ on the moment they step through those doors!”
As if back on the campaign trail, Herman Cain wasted no time opening his assault on the current administration. “Times are tough right now, and Obama’s policies are making it harder for folks to find work. This is our way of giving ourselves back to the community,” after which he playfully smacked the rear of one of the Weiner Girls passing by. “You had a bug on that fine ass!” he explained ruefully, attempting to justify his blatant sexism.
“This place is off the hook!” Bill Clinton said excitedly. “We added a massage parlor at my Presidential Library that was very successful… until the local PD shut us down. This is the natural progression of that. And who better to do something like this with than Herman Cain?” But his tone took on an air of exasperation when asked him whether Hillary would be coming to the restaurant at all; “Hillary wouldn’t come in a million years! “I keep telling her to explore and engage in a little diplomacy of her own, but she’s stuck in her ways.”
The menu is a throwback to some of the best moments of politics. There’s “The Lewinsky,” described as a totally kosher Weiner on a bun made of Jewish-Rye and a complementary cigar. Then there’s the “6-9-9-9 Plan,” six sausages for only $9.99.
“It’s economical,” explained Clinton. “When I was president, I not only knew how to blow off […] some steam, but I also knew how to manage an economy,” he added proudly.
When asked about the name of the restaurant, Cain said, “It’s all about excess for cheap – just like the Stimulus Bill. You desire Weiner and come in, get that, but get so much more,” he said, adding a sensual, “Yeah!”
“This isn’t a restaurant, it’s a brothel!” opined the Atlanta Police Chief, when informed that the basement of the building will have VIP ”Weiner Rooms,” where only cigars and liquor will be permitted and patrons will have the opportunity for intimate connections with the waitresses. “Are we really supposed to believe that this is some hot dog joint? We will shut this place down in twenty-four hours!” he guaranteed.
Porkulus is expected to open later this fall. On opening night, Cain and Clinton will sing a duet called “Porkulus Paradise,” set to the tune of Coolio’s classic rap song, “Gangsta’s Paradise.” “You can add it to my greatest hits list,” said Cain, referring to his earlier rendition of “Imagine [There’s No Pizza]” that went viral during the Republican primaries.
It should be noted that disgraced New York Representative, Anthony Weiner, has also bought a share of the company as a silent partner.