Todd Akin Launches Campaign to Eliminate “Storks” That Deliver Illegitimate Babies
By Joe “The Nerd” Ferraro
WASHINGTON – Representative Todd Akin has been taking heat for his comments about what constitutes rape, but in order to keep Missouri’s female voters on his side, he is opening a radical new front on the war on birth control – although some might call it a political deflection.
In a never-before-seen conservative initiative, Akin will search out and destroy the “stork factories” that produce the potential off-spring of victims of sexual assault.
According to a top secret proposal leaked yesterday from the Pentagon, Akin, a prominent voice on the House Science Committee, will dispatch SEAL teams to find the factories that produce the accidental pregnancies. Once the illegitimate factories are located, Akin will issue orders for drone strikes to immediately take place. “Once we get defense contractors a slice of the pie here, we can make anything happen. Creating a specialty drone to kill storks will be great for their bottom line.”
Akin also sees a CIA role here by sending agents disguised as storks into the plants to make sure the proper factories are targeted. “I realize that training some our agents to fly with wings and beaks will be tough, but this proposal will at least get us to November”.
Meanwhile, Vice Presidential candidate Paul Ryan has backed Akin’s strategy and hopes to eliminate the entire stork network. Ryan also plans to track the storks of illegal aliens to ferret them out before the anchor babies take hold. Ryan refused any further comments stating he was busy on the computer visiting his favorite websites, playing poker at partypoker.tv and online role playing games.
In an attempt to slow down the GOP thinking before the meds really kick in, Democratic congressmen are concerned that Akin’s plan will cause the national birth rate to dramatically plumet. Nancy Pelosi’s office issued the following press statement; “The GOP will take down every stork in the sky. I have seen what they did in Iraq. Do you really want these guys to be in charge of things that can kill people?”
Spokesstork Sven Penxilbeak related, “Bring it on clowns. We got 7 kids that we’re planning to deliver to their homes and Congressional Offices. The media will have a field day. Let’s see these idiots deal with that.”