Todd Akin Vows to Pray Tropical Storm Isaac Away From the GOP Convention; Accuses Al Gore of “Using Socialist Witchcraft” to Disrupt Convention
By Brandon J. Weichert
TAMPA—With just 73 days left in one of the most contentious presidential elections in American history, the biggest acts of political theater are set to take place: the political conventions. Up first is the GOP Convention in Tampa Bay, FL. Though unimportant to the actual electoral process, the Conventions are a place where partisan warriors can coalesce, talk about how amazing their respective candidates are, drink a little too much, and can go to town on each other. But this year, the GOP Convention is threatened.
Tropical Storm Isaac is bearing down on Southwest Florida and it is predicted that the eastern side of the storm will settle some twenty miles off of Tampa Bay. Already, the Convention planners have had to cancel the opening events on Monday and there is still talk that the Convention will have to be canceled once more on Tuesday.
“The fear right now is that we won’t be able to burn the two-story effigy of B. Hussein Obama.” Said one RNC official. “We’re having to scramble a lot of our events. We’ve already had to release the members of the local Occupy group that we kidnapped and planned on having Governor Palin shoot from the rafters—as part of the opening festivities—because we simply don’t have enough time by losing this day.” He continued. “The upside is that the Sea of Galilee Room will be up-and-running—and only Congressional pages and nude elected representatives will be allowed, just how we like it!” He said proudly, in a reference to the recent nude swimming romp in Israel that several members of the GOP partook in.
Though unimportant to the process, the conventions are doubly important to the media image of this political campaign, as this will be where we see all of the rising stars of the GOP coming together to celebrate the nomination of Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan—a dynamic duo whose economic policies are seen as being responsible for a recent disturbing trend of mass heart attacks among the elderly.
“This is all about timing. We were planning to have Ted Nugent light the fuse under the giant Obama effigy and then have a slow burn, ending with the exploding head after Mitt Romney gives his acceptance speech on Thursday.” Explained the RNC official. “But the weather is going to mess everything up!”
Many Democratic pundits have noted the irony of Mother Nature impeding the progress of the GOP’s steadfast march to reclaim the White House. From his massive, carbon-emitting home (which he claims gives him firsthand knowledge of the dangers of carbon emissions) in the hills of Tennessee, former Vice-President Al Gore—creator of the internet and scion of the Green Movement—took great glee in the prospects that the GOP would not be able to enjoy their convention due to faulty weather.
“The Earth has a fever…” Began Gore, who stood atop a Chinese-lead encased soapbox, raising his hands in the air, holding the Emmy he received for his Global Warming documentary “An Inconvenient Truth.” When asked what the GOP could do about the impending storm, Gore stated, “Renounce Capitalism, disavow God, and give me boatloads of taxpayer’s dollars so I can give you twice as many carbon credits.” Adding further, “And maybe have Bono come out and play a song from his new Coldplay-themed album…”
“This thing is going to take a miracle to get back on schedule.” Said Reince Priebus, RNC Chairman, when informed that they were going to have to cut a performance by the Larry Craig Tap Dancing Troupe.
But the GOP is all about miracles…and that’s where Missouri Congressman and Senatorial candidate, Todd Akin, comes in. Akin is journeying down in a white minister’s bus with a band of albino monks where he will “Beseech the Lord Almighty to forgive America of the sin of tolerating women seeking justice for rape,” in the hopes that the power of his prayer will allow him to “Finger [Tropical Storm] Isaac—with God’s hand—in the direction of the Godless Mexican-American Border,” where the great deluge “Can actually do some good!” Adding further, “Skeptics will question my sound methods, but it worked for [George W.] Bush when he sought to have Hurricane Katrina tear down those levies, thereby liberating hundreds of thousands from poverty!”
In response to what Al Gore had told us at The Washington Fancy, Akin stated that, “The Socialist Witchcraft that Al Gore calls ‘Environmental Science’ will never outmatch the power of the Almighty God-Finger!” At which point, one of the silent albino priests revealed a tinfoil hat and placed it on Congressman Akin’s head.
“The Prophet Glenn Beck gave this to me! It blocks out Mr. Gore’s pagan sorcery and allows me to commune with The Almighty!” He explained, adding further, “It also gives me great tips on when to buy Gold.” At which point, the albino monks began whipping themselves and chanting in Latin. Finally, as smoke filled the room, the Congressman dropped to his knees—his eyes glazing over—and proceeded to rant in a language that I knew had not been spoken in centuries—the language of the Ozark People!
It would seem that Congressman Akin is not the only messenger for The Almighty that the GOP is beseeching to preserve their momentous Convention. Indeed, it is believed that Governor Romney has personally ordered the Church of the Latter Day Saints to release his grandfather—and founder of Mormonism—Joseph Smith, from the carbon freezing chamber that he and Walt Disney have been kept in all of these years. From what we at The Washington Fancy can gather, the goal of releasing Joseph Smith from his stasis pod is so that he can perform the “Spiritual Follicle Transference” Ritual—a process that requires the sacrifice of a Mormon woman—to ensure the continued immortality of Mitt Romney’s hair (something that will be under extreme threat if Congressman Akin is not able to steer the Tropical Storm away from the convention in Tampa).
When interviewed by The Washington Fancy and asked about his opinion on Congressman Akin’s attempts to change the weather through prayer, Representative Ron Paul removed his own tinfoil hat and sagely decreed, “It’s not the government’s problem!”
The Republican National Convention is scheduled to begin this Tuesday, with New Jersey Governor Chris Cristie engaging in a hotdog eating contest with Mississippi Governor Haley Barbour.