A Senile Joe Biden Endorses Ryan in Surprise Appearance at Republican Convention; Ryan Throws “Grandpa Joe” Off Stage
Brandon J. Weichert
TAMPA—Joe Biden seems to be quite confused as to where he’s at most of the time. In fact, many speculate that old Uncle Joe is senile. But yesterday’s most recent events in Tampa Bay, Florida really threw a proverbial wrench in President Obama’s reelection plans.
“We were filing into the convention and the last thing we expected to see was [Vice-President] Biden standing on stage, readying to give a speech,” said Janet Ramos, head of the moderate group Kick the Kenyan Out! Told The Washington Fancy.
Indeed, according to reports, the Vice-President (who had rescheduled his trip to Tampa to a later date this week) had entered the Convention Center early in the morning with an extremely confused look on his face, babbling incoherently.
“He’s very spry,” RNC Chairman Reince Priebus said, when asked why no one stopped Biden from taking stage. “He seemed genuinely confused as to where he was and insisted that he had an urgent speech to give.”
And what an urgent speech it ended up being: once everyone filed in and the Convention opened, Joe Biden came strutting out on to the stage. The reaction from the crowd was mixed, but Biden seemed to not understand that he was at the wrong convention. At one point, he apparently confused the excessive “Boos” in the audience with joyous “woos” and started chanting along with them, only serving to further antagonize the audience, as they believed he was mocking them.
To make matters worse, Biden’s speech was laced with expletives and punctuated with racial diatribes. At one point, he apologized to the Republican audience for his inappropriate comments in Danville, VA (in which he claimed to a predominantly black audience that Republicans wanted to “keep them in chains”) by stating that he was “acting like a real Jew” when he made those comments.
After making those remarks, he went on to claim that he missed seeing Sarah Palin because she had a “smokin’ bod” and proceeded to make the dubious claim that he’d “like to liberate that woman.”
“We were in shock,” said Andrea Tantaros of the FOX News network. “No one could believe that we were actually witnessing this—and no one was stopping him!” she added.
When asked why this travesty was allowed to continue, one RNC spokesman claimed, “Not only was this golden television, but this probably just won the election for us!”
But not so fast, according to sources; the major news outlets are planning on running a special on how the Republican Party is waging a “War on Wrinkles” and the actions at the Convention prove not how the Democrats are placing inept, racist leaders in office, but how Republicans hate old people.
That point of Biden’s senility was further made clear when Joe Biden began claiming that he longed to return to the Senate, that his heart was not in the Vice-Presidency, and that he was merely an unworthy placeholder. In a moment of clear confusion, he channeled remarks he made previously about Hillary Clinton and turned them to reflect on Republican Vice Presidential candidate, Paul Ryan’ “I believe Poindexter [Ryan] is infinitely more qualified than I to be Vice-President.”
The speech, which lasted an incredible six hours—amidst horrified pleas to stop from the audience—only ended when Biden’s opponent, Paul Ryan (a man accused of hating old people because of his fervent commitment to repealing Social Security) used the strength garnered from his cultish use of the workout program P90X, and pushed Biden off of the stage, into the crowd below, yelling “Calculate that, Grandpa!” Someone in the crowd yelled, “Old Guy Mosh Pit!” and proceeded to throw Joe Biden about like a beach ball.
“As you can see, Paul Ryan really wants to throw grandpa off of a cliff,” noted Richard Gibbs, an Obama Campaign spokesman, said.
“Normally the Vice-President is heavily medicated, ” Jay Carney, the White House Press Secretary informed the press. “The Vice-President means well—and he really is intelligent—but, over the years, so much plaque has built around his brain that it has become a shriveled husk,” Carney explained with a degree of sadness. “This recent flap just proves the point that Barack Obama is even more qualified to be President. By performing this noble act of senility, Joe Biden hasn’t confirmed America’s worst fears about this administration, they’ve just proved that the Republican Party hates old people.”
In a related story, Tom Brokaw is hosting an NBC Special about how the Republican Party is planning an “Octogenarian Holocaust” and how Paul Ryan is its leader. This most recent kerfuffle with the poor, senile Biden will not help the case.