Obama Admits “I never wanted to be President; Michelle forced me to”
By Brandon J. Weichert
WASHINGTON, D.C.—President Barack Obama is a historical president—love him-or-hate him—no one has generated as much controversy and brought so much attention to the White House since Willie Nelson shared a doobie on the White House roof with Billy Carter [then-President Jimmy Carter’s brother]. Under Barack Obama’s watch, the economy has slowed and unemployment numbers have exploded, but we also managed to end the Iraq War and kill Osama Bin Laden. Nonetheless, in a shocking twist, President Obama conceded that he has no real desire to be President.
“Just look at what I’ve done these last four years!” Obama told The Washington Fancy. “How much easier do I have to make it for these clowns in the GOP? I spent $4 trillion dollars we didn’t have to buy a Chevy Volt! I mean a Volt—it had the body of a Golf Cart and the power of a Pinto!” he said, laughing. “I turn around and insult American small businesses by saying they didn’t build their business! What do I have to do to get out of this job? Lose a war to Canada? Because that can be arranged!”
In truth, said Mr. Obama, “I never wanted to be President. Michelle wanted me to be President. I just went along with her demands,” he admitted. When asked why he followed his wife’s desires he replied bluntly, “Because she was going to hit me—hard—if I didn’t comply. My wife has been beating me for years. Do you see those arms on her? I can’t fight that! She’s been injecting steroids for years! I saw her take down The Rock last year at a rally in one move. She actually made The Rock cry!”
The confession that President Obama was a battered husband was shocking in itself, but that still did not satisfy my curiosity. And when I asked why all of the sudden he was choosing to talk about this, he stated, “I can’t keep quiet any longer. When we were in Chicago, it was bad enough. But now—goodness gracious—her mother moved in to the White House!” Obama exclaimed. “I don’t get any sleep. If Michelle isn’t hounding me to do this, or do that, her mother is passive aggressively criticizing my life choices! And I’m like, ‘B*tch, I’m the President of these United States!’ But that doesn’t matter to them!” [EDITOR’S NOTE: When pressed as to whether he really talks to his Mother-in-Law as he described in the interview, Obama sheepishly admitted that he does not, for fear of invoking Michelle’s wrath.]
When we got to the President’s perceived platform—higher taxes, greater government spending, and reductions in defense—I had to ask how much of that he was hoping to accomplish. “I know full well what I’m doing. Look, if the GOP isn’t going to do what it takes to beat me, Michelle’s mother will stay with us and I can’t have that. The two of them get together… it’s like putting gasoline on fire. If I have to be president again, I’ll have to destroy the economy so that I lose all of my money, get kicked out of office, and then will have to settle for being poor and be incapable of having Michelle’s mother live with us.”
“This has been a wild ride,” he conceded. “Taxpayer funded vacations, getting credit for killing Bin Laden, getting a big enough house where I can at least hide from my mother-in-law and wife. But, I’m thinking long term. You’ve got to remember I used to spend my time in the back of windowless vans, dropping acid with Bill Ayers and Bernadine Dorn—whilst tripping to the sweet sounds of Jeremiah Wright! Trust me, I don’t need much to be happy.”
President Obama then lamented that, “I look at these Republican women—Ann Romney, Laura Bush, they all know their place. They keep their mouths shut. It’s very orderly. These Republican men have figured out a way to wage war on women and keep their women at their side—and they don’t get hit for questioning their ladies! And, in the case of Paul Ryan, his wife is so compliant that no one even knows if she exists, because no one has ever seen her! What a glorious life. When I talk about Mitt Romney’s ‘War on Women,’ I’m not attacking him; I’m envious of him!”
Apparently, the night Michelle and Barack Obama got married, Michelle Obama physically subdued Barack and forced him to marry her. “I didn’t believe in marriage,” President Obama said. “I just wanted to chase tail and have some fun, like any young Marxist would, y’know? Butvafter our third date, she wanted to know where we were going, and when I started to equivocate…she got me into a chokehold and refused to let go until I put a ring on her finger!”
He firmly added, “My policy is de-linkage. If I can get the GOP to kick me out, I can get away from my mother-in-law…and maybe even Michelle. But I can manage Michelle by herself.”
News of Barack Obama’s battered lifestyle has been kept quiet, but it is certainly not unknown. “Michelle was very angry and jealous,” one of President Obama’s former colleagues at the Community Organizing Gamaliel Group, told The Washington Fancy. “Barack was never a real believer in what we were trying to do here; he just hung around because this was the one group his wife did not try and dominate—something about our smell offended her higher sensibilities.”
When I asked President Obama why he didn’t just get a divorce, he simply looked at me with a haunted look upon his face. “Because she promised that if I ever left her, she’d bring down ‘The Hammer.’” He refused to elaborate further, but the look in his eyes said it all.
“My goals in this life now are quite simple,” reflected Obama. “I just want to be able to enjoy a cheeseburger and a coke without having to worry about being put in Michelle’s Box. I can’t handle another helping of arugula!” [EDITOR’S NOTE: It was later revealed that Michelle Obama has constructed a small, windowless holding cell in the Rose Garden of the White House where she forces her staff and husband to stay, if they eat any food she deems inappropriate.]
Indeed, many White House interns grew familiar with this boiler room, according to former White House Chief of Staff and current Chicago Mayor Rahm Emmanuel. “It’s like Gladiator down there, with Mrs. Obama playing Joaquin Phoenix’s role,” reflected Emmanuel, who found himself in the room several times toward the end of his White House career.
It remains to be seen how this new information about the Obama’s personal lives will influence — If at all — the course of the election. Although Obama Campaign spokeswoman Sandra Fluke giddily claims that this only proves that, “The Age of Aquarius is upon us and the Democratic Party—and Barack Obama—are the ones who will usher in this new era of Feminism!”
Posted by 
