President Obama and Bill Clinton to Stage Joint Bar Mitzvah During Jewish New Year as Part of Operation “NO EXODUS”
By S.G. Lawrence
CHARLOTTE, N.C.— After Democrats reinstated God and Jerusalem back into the Democratic convention platform Wednesday amidst three rounds of boisterous “No” votes and raucous Boos from over half of the Convention’s seated attendees, top Democrat officials decided to take matters by the proverbial “Rahm’s” horns in an effort to restore some semblance of dignity to their party.
DNC Chair Debbie Wasserman Schultz announced that as part of Operation NO EXODUS, the DNC will celebrate a joint Bar Mitzvah service for President Obama and former President Bill Clinton during the Jewish New Year holiday later in September.
Unfazed by being labeled an “Alternate Reality” Occupier by CNN’s Anderson Cooper, Wasserman Schultz set up a televised press conference under sunny skies in front of Charlotte’s Bank of America Stadium Thursday morning. The scene was one of pandemonium, as 20,000 students brought to the city to attend President Obama’s acceptance speech were now being turned away over weather concerns.
Wasserman Schultz admitted to reporters that many Jewish voters were concerned about the DNC’s anti-Israel platform and President Obama’s record on Israel. The DNC Chair explained that she, David Axelrod and Anthony Weiner of Twitterectomy fame had conducted an impromptu focus group to assess the self-inflicted damage. “We know that many Jews are now schlepping for Mitt and that Third Reicher Paul Ryan, but we’re going to earn back the disaffected Jewish vote with this joint Bar Mitzvah. We received so much money from wedding and Bar Mitzvah celebrants when we advertised our Obama Event Registry over the summer that we know we’re on to something really big. Jerusalem may not be President Obama’s first venue choice, but he’s committed to having a Bar Mitzvah and he wants to share it with President Clinton.”
Wasserman Schultz’s “Jewish Outreach” Director, Dani Gilbert, who was instrumental in securing President Obama a volunteer position at an Israeli Kibbutz over the summer, told reporters that she would be releasing a press release with more Bar Mitzvah details at the conclusion of the convention. Gilbert was tight-lipped about the DNC’s plans, but TWF learned that she had hinted to her Facebook friends that the Clinton Foundation was busy sending out invitations to important Democratic donors in Riyadh and Dearborn, Michigan.
Gilbert also promised one of her Burkah’d Facebook Friends that none of the food or wine for the Obama/Clinton Bar Mitzvah party would be imported from any Israeli company employing Palestinians.
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on Sep 6 2012. Filed under Election 2012.
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