Social Security Administration Begins Arms Buildup After Fully Grasping Effects of Old Age

Eastwood's speech was enough to prompt the SSA to action after the world look on with horror at his speech.

By Spencer Frenchman

WASHINGTON — After witnessing how the Republican National Convention gripped the hearts of retirees with fear, the Social Security Administration now plans to solve the baby boomer retirement and unemployment issues in one fell swoop.

As old age and dementia manifested themselves in one of our country’s greatest citizens – Clint Eastwood – the agency came upon the realization of one undeniable truth: paying the health care and social security costs for all these baby boomers is going to cost a pretty penny. If the mental deterioration and cynicism of old age could bind their icy grip around even the cool, masculine, gravel-voiced legend Mr. Eastwood and drive him to carry on extended conversation with an empty chair, then what could the inevitable decrepit existence mean for others?

What is the Social Security Administration’s solution? Purchase hundreds of thousands of rounds of ammunition. Knocking out a few hundred thousand baby boomers would not only create a few thousand jobs to fill, it would also ensure that the Social Security and Medicare could remain solvent with fewer recipients demanding payout.

SSA Commissioner Michael Astrue said that “after seeing Mr. Eastwood’s speech, we began to appreciate the full extent of the problem. These guys just aren’t going to roll over and die very easily; it’s going to cost a fortune to deal with severe mental and physical deterioration associated with old age.”

Eastwood was asked about the SSA arms buildup but was distracted by the group of radical socialist Muslims on the black leather couch in his living room. “Go ahead, make my day!” he repeated over and over again to no avail, as the radical socialist Muslims seemed hell-bent on occupying the couch, although no reporter could actually confirm their existence.

When asked whether he deemed it wrong that baby boomers had essentially paid their entire lives for what would lead to their own demise, Eastwood replied it was only fair since, they also
paid for others’ lives with their years of driving gas guzzling cars and buying Chinese manufactured goods. He seemed ready to comment further, however, he quickly exited the press conference after he was reminded that he himself is of the baby boomer generation.