Treasury Implements New Recovery Plan to Invest in Beanie Babies
By Chris Todd
WASHINGTON—As the United States’ economy continues to struggle, the Treasury Department has finally come up with a plan it believes will put the country on the right track to recovery. Timothy Geithner has announced that the U.S. government will be investing most of its assets into Beanie Babies.
“The U.S. economy has been struggling to recover from the 2008 recession, the only stable market right now is in collectible stuffed animals,” said Geithner in a public address. The plan is to pull all cash assets into one fund that will be used to purchase Beanie Babies from retail stores as well as flea markets and garage sales. The plan will put money directly into Americans’ pockets, all while investing cash in an asset that will continue to appreciate in value, Ty Beanie Babies.
Geithner addressed opponents of the plan by confirming that the United States will only be purchasing Beanie Babies with original tags intact. The U.S. Beanie Babies portfolio will be diversified to hedge risk. 80% of the investments will be in rare, retired plush dolls. Only 20% will be invested in high growth but risky, speculative Beanie Baby models.
Timothy Geithner will be publishing a list of Beanie Babies the United States will be authorized to buy, and their listed prices. It is noted that all prices are negotiable. Anonymous sources within the Treasury Department are reporting that as much as $220 may be authorized for each Brownie the Bear.
The reactions from Americans have been mostly positive. “I cannot wait to get these things out of my garage. I haven’t been able to park in there since 2001,” notes Susie Canton, a mother from New York.
The Treasury Department is confident that the stuffed animal market is on the verge of a boom. “Gold, Apple stock, and oil have been some of the best investments in past years. In the future, you will have to add Beanie Babies to that list.”