Vladimir Putin Embarks on Shirtless Tour of US
By Pat Chillé
WASHINGTON — Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin arrived in Washington D.C. today to launch a diplomatic shirtless tour of the United States. The always camera-ready former Russian president will tour major cities across the U.S. – bare-chested, no less – in an effort to establish stronger ties between the two countries.
“We welcome the opportunity to former a stronger bond with Russia,” President Obama said at a White House press conference with Putin. “I have to admit though, I’m a little uncomfortable seeing his nipples out like this… Now he’s flexing… Okay, this press conference is over.”
Putin, who will travel across the U.S. in a rented tour bus, said he looked forward to meeting American citizens. ”I will challenge any of you puny Americans to a bench press contest – starting at 500,” Putin said. “I have bench pressed a grizzly bear before. Bring it on, America.”
Putin’s critics in the states, however, were quick to condemn the tour. ”Now we can see him from all our houses,” said Former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin, “and his nipples, too. Ya betcha he won’t bench press this mama grizzly.”
“I’ll take him up on that bench press contest,” Representative Ron Paul (R-TX) said. “I take 500-pound dumps every morning.”
“Look at that communist torso,” taunted Representative Michele Bachmann (R-MN), holding up a photo of the half-naked prime minister. “Look at those socialist, beefy, perfect man-breasts and glistening, meaty biceps.”
Despite the criticism, Putin remained jubilant about his trip across the country. ”I cannot wait to show American women what a real politician looks like,” the prime minister said before flexing one more time for cameras and departing on his bus.