As Mexico Drug Violence Subsides, Atty. Gen. Holder in Running for 2012 Nobel Peace Prize
By Chester McFisticuffs
WASHINGTON – In a hastily-called press conference today, Attorney General Eric Holder responded to circulating rumors that he is in the early running for the 2012 Nobel Peace Prize.
According to inside sources from the Nobel Foundation, Holder’s consideration is based on a number of factors.
“We really believe that his actions as the Attorney General of the United States have made the world a safer place,” said an anonymous representative of the foundation. Holder apparently stands to benefit from a slight ease in violence on the American side of the southern border, although the violence in Mexico intensifies almost daily.
“Thanks to Operation Fast and Furious, the violence in Mexico has peaked and the cartels are stronger than ever. That means that it can only go down from this point. We applaud Holder and the Department of Justice for pushing the conflict to its highest point in an effort to ultimately end it.”
In addition to the border situation, the Nobel Foundation indicated that Holder’s status as an Obama administration official will definitely influence the award decision. “It is one of our goals to award the prize to every important official in the Obama administration, so Holder’s position certainly does not hurt his chances,” the representative said. “Additionally, Holder has made great strides in terms of race awareness… rightly pointing out that all criticism of him or the president is based purely on race rather than any policy differences.”
“I am very honored to be considered for this award,” Holder said in his prepared statement to the assembled media. “Although I knew nothing about the major gun-running operation across an international border, I’m very glad to see that something good has come of it. I would like to personally thank the Zeta Cartel for growing strong enough to completely eliminate opposition and hopefully bring lasting peace to northern Mexico.”
After the press conference, a DOJ employee told The Fancy that the feeling inside the department had been that Fast and Furious was a lost cause. “When all of the guns went missing and ended up in the hands of the cartels, we all thought it was a hopelessly botched operation. I guess we were wrong!”
The press briefing was also graced by a surprise visit from President Obama. The president took the opportunity to make a very short campaign speech. “I want to congratulate Eric on his consideration for this prestigious award,” the president said. “I also want to make a promise to the American people. I understand the feeling that I, myself, did absolutely nothing to merit this award when it was bestowed upon me three years ago. Let me be clear: although I have expanded American involvement in conflicts abroad, I promise that in my second term, I will work to actually earn this award. The moment I’m elected for a second time will be the moment we will be able to say that we finally began to achieve world peace.”
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