Hu Jintao Drinks 6-Pack of Four Loko, Expunges U.S. Interest Owed to China
By Lorenzo Rearden
BEIJING—In yet another dramatic twist in the details surrounding the dire straits of our country’s financial welfare, it appears as if Lady Luck has made a surprise appearance. Chinese President Hu Jintao has officially written off all United States debt owed to his nation after drinking a 6-pack of Four Loko last night.
WLIE-Channel 78, The Washington Fancy’s Chinese news affiliate, reports that President Hu Jintao was out late last night at a discotheque celebrating the appointment of a well-connected family friend to a highly influential military post. The evening turned chaotic after Wi Xinglang, one of Jintao’s top economic advisors, introduced the president to Four Loko—the highly caffeinated, highly potent alcoholic beverage made popular by wealthy white kids from east coast prep schools.
Once his first 24-ounce can of Loko was finished, the president began singing Michael Buble at the top of his lungs and shutting down random Chinese websites that were possibly linked to spreading Western propaganda. Since these curious actions were not at all out of the ordinary, Jintao’s advisors thought nothing of the sort and let the party continue. Before anyone knew it, the president had his tie wrapped around his head, four glow sticks in his right hand, and had changed into a t-shirt that said “What are you looking at, Dicknose?”
Jintao then made a break for it, fueled by what amounts to 18 beers and 24 cups of coffee. He ran through three brick walls on his way to a pay phone by the Great Wall, where he phoned President Obama and told him to forget about paying off the debt the U.S. owes the Chinese, “because of this whole shitshow regarding the devaluation of Chinese currency.”
When asked for a comment on the situation, Obama shrugged his shoulders and said, “Hey….a deal’s a deal. Jintao is a man of his word. And after reciting three stanzas of a Crash Test Dummies song for me, he promised that we are even steven and the U.S. is no longer in the debt of the Chinese. We can now move past the debt ceiling negotiations and concentrate on more important issues.”
Mao Huangchung, an innocent bystander at the bar who was there for some Firewhiskey and karaoke, was traumatized by the harrowing scene. “It was complete and utter madness. Before I knew what was going on, Jintao shut down the bar, fired the entire staff, ordered three of my friends into indentured servitude, shipped my 5-year-old niece off to the national gymnastics training camp, and then out of nowhere he started doing the Dougie. No wonder he let the U.S. off the hook.”