Senate “Suggestion Box” Vandalized, Stuffed with Gum, Used Condoms
By William Celloutte
WASHINGTON –In a press statement released today, the Office of the Senate Sergeant at Arms made public a report it had conducted on the Senate Suggestion Box Program. This report outlined the contents of the suggestion and box and made several controversial recommendations for the future of the program.
According to the report, the most common items found in the box are in fact gum, used tissues, spare change, candy wrappers, and used condoms. “I never put my hand into the suggestion box,” comments program director Beth Bergman. “That thing truly belongs to Pandora. We find all sorts of trash in there – cigarette butts, lots of them — I don’t know how they get in there this is a non smoking facility. Also for some reason there are still a lot of notes calling Sen. Daschle a jerk.”
The Senate Suggestion Box is one of the upper chamber’s oldest institutions, eclipsed in age only by the Senatorial Page Program and the bylaw for obligatory spittoon use. Since 1904, the suggestion box was a way for members to tell the Office of the Sergeant at Arms how to make the Chamber more conducive for legislation. Suggestions from the program led to creation of the paper ballot and allowing CSPAN cameras in the chamber.
“The single worst thing I found was a severed human finger,” said Andrew Lee, the program’s administrative assistant. “I think it was Senator Vitter’s; don’t ask me how I know that.”
An anonymous security guard for the Senate commented on the hazardous materials that are often brought to his attention. “The most annoying things I find are the used needles. I mean, is one of the Senator’s using? Or, does some meth head sneak past security on a regular basis? I don’t know why anyone would think a 100-year-old teakwood box with gold inlay is a needle exchange drop-off. We still find a lot of notes calling Sen. Daschle a jerk.”
In regard to actual comments and suggestions, Senators routinely leave notes suggesting what part of a horse’s body Harry Reid is, announcing which members are hooking up with who, and making lewd suggestions as to what Scott Brown does on weekends. “We’ve found an increased amount of comments suggesting where other Senators can “stick it” or “cram it,” as well as nicknames for Senator Gillibrand,” states Beth Bergman.
Until an audit of the program can be completed, the Senate Suggestion box has been removed from the chamber. Beth Bergman for one is thankful the program is on hold. “Honestly, you can trust these people to act half their age, or for that matter, to responsibly use a suggestion box. It’s really too much power in their hands, and I think the contents of this box prove that.”