Congress Diagnosed with Clinical Depression
By James Shea
WASHINGTON– Congress formally announced this morning that it had been diagnosed with clinical depression sometime last week.
While the legislature was visibly distressed, they were “finally relieved” to have an answer to explain frequent mood swings, social withdrawal, decreased enjoyment in arguing, and severe weight gain.
“It’s hard for us to pinpoint exactly when these symptoms first began,” explains Dr. Judith Downer, Congress’ physician who first raised concerns about the governing body’s mental wellbeing. “As far as I can remember, they’ve always been in and out of my office complaining about lethargic episodes and difficulty concentrating on political issues for longer than an election cycle. It was only just recently that I began to suspect it could be due to a mood disorder.”
Downer told The Fancy that she recommended the 535-member legislature for psychiatric evaluation following an episode in which she reported “Congress was practically divided against itself, calling itself names, and generally blaming itself for the national debt.”
While patient confidentiality prevents psychiatric personnel from divulging further details, Capitol Hill rumors are that Congress is a likely candidate for major depressive disorder, or “a full blown case of the dogsick blues.” Furthermore, those who have worked with the 222-year-old have spoken out that they feel the mental health issues are much worse than publicized.
“Personally, I think they’ve got something more complicated, like bipolar disorder,” says former Speaker of the House Newt Gringrich. “Their periods of out-of-control spending are awfully characteristic of a manic episode.”
This makes Congress the second governmental institution to come forward with mental health issues, after the Internal Revenue Service formally came out in 2002 as having compulsive kleptomania.