Apple Releases New “Gag-Me” Ap for iPhone 5, Allows Shut-Ins to Experience Sex for the First Time
By Brandon J. Weichert and Steven J. Tobiasz
CUPERTINO—The anticipation has been building for some years now.
Ever since the first computer was created, man has dreamed of uniting himself with machine. Now, with the unveiling of the Global Gag-Me Ap (GGMA, pronounced “Gooma”) for the iPhone 5, humankind is one step closer to the complete and total conjugation of man and machine.
“This is really a coup for us!” said Joshua Slater, the Marketing head of Apple in Cupertino. “This was Steve Jobs’ parting gift to Mankind.”
The idea, according Joshua Slater, came some years back when Steve Jobs told business partner Steve Wozniak, “You’ve got some Gooma in your beard!” after Wozniak was caught simulating sex acts with the “male” and “female” ends of his computer monitor cords for three hours. When Jobs demanded to know what the hell Wozniak was doing, he replied, “What? I’ve never had it before!”
“This was Steve Jobs’ biggest task,” explained Sarah Warner, the Jobs’ family spokeswoman. ”We had to make Siri not just sound human, but also be able to act human. The cause of the shut-ins was Mr. Jobs’ biggest crusade.”
MIT professor of Robosexuality Dr. Simian Spanks expounded further on the matter; “There is a trendline that we in the Robosexuality Community follow: it’s the Laughed-At Curve. That is, the cooler and more engrossing our machines and gadgets become, the more isolated and alone we become. What we here in the Robosex Department have been trying to figure out is how do we have our digital cake and screw it too? Mr. Jobs found the solution with his new Gooma Ap.”
The lines at one local Apple store in Chicago grew so voluminous that police swarmed the store, as it was reported that many registered sex offenders were gathered there, thereby violating their parole (which included not consorting with other ex-convicts).
Dr. Spanks of MIT also believes that on top of helping men who live surrounded by toys in their parents’ basement, this new application may also help reduce in sex-based crime. “Think about it: the world’s sex offenders can finally have a positive venue to channel their urges.”
Many civil rights activists worry that Apple will discriminate based on sexuality, but Apple spokespeople assure us at The Washington Fancy that the Siri model on the new iPhones is “totally customizable.”
“There is a selection of 32 different voice models that can be used, and over 100 different safe words—with overrides preprogrammed—and preprogrammed explicit language that can arouse even the most disturbed user,” declared a beaming, unnamed, 17-year-old Apple employee at the company’s flagship Manhattan store. “The program a as your selection of favorite erotic music can be programmed to play, then the phone begins to vibrate in a crescendo that would make even the most repressed individual “giddy as a schoolgirl… or boy…whatever you fancy.”
CNBC’s Maria Bartriomo explained that the new ap has allowed for a “explosion of product” that will facilitate the largest stock market rebound in the history of the US Stock Exchange. Evidently, “Americans would rather have fulfilling sexual encounters than save their money in a dying economy.”
No one really knows what the future will hold for Apple, especially as competitors move in with gender and racial-specific apps designed to compete with the new GOOMA application. Samsung, for instance, is launching a rival product geared toward Middle Eastern audiences called the “Burka,” while HTC has engineered the “Flappy” application for those attracted to uncircumcised individuals.
“This holds huge potential for the market,” proffered Bloomberg financial analyst Kevin Perry. “The more these companies compete, the more they can tailor specific applications to cater to the most depraved and indifferent sections of our market.”
Photo courtesy of telegraph.co.uk