Romney Unveils New Healthcare Plan Based on Robin Williams’ “What Dreams May Come,” Promises “We’ll All Meet Cuba Gooding Jr. In the End!”
By Brandon J. Weichert
BOSTON—A struggling Romney Campaign has been desperately trying to avoid stereotypes that the former Massachusetts Governor is the prototypical Republican: wealthy, indifferent, and interested only in maintaining profits.
Consequently, Romney Campaign spokeswoman Andrea Saul has released the updated Romneycare Plan, otherwise known as the “What Dreams May Come” Policy. Such a proposal calls for cost-saving healthcare by forcing medical professionals to acknowledge the existence of an afterlife, thereby removing the need for costly life-saving measures for the terminally ill and mortally wounded.
“It’s a win-win,” explained Governor Romney in his early morning press conference. “The religious Right gets to maintain their belief in state-sanctioned religion, while I ppear caring by saving families boatloads of money by banning all life-saving techniques. Besides, I have it on good authority that if one makes it to Heaven, they will be in the resplendent presence of a mustachioed-Cuba Gooding, Jr.!”
“We think this is a magnificent chance to jumpstart Mr. Gooding’s career once more, “said Ishmael Herrero, Mr. Gooding Jr.’s publicist. “Who wouldn’t want to have national health policy predicated on allowing droves of citizens to die painfully, in order to be rewarded with the presence of an Academy Award winner in a fictitious afterlife? That’s pure Hollywood.”
This new campaign tactic is a heated curveball directed straight at the Obama reelection campaign, having been funded primarily by contributions from Beverly Hills, NAMBLA, and the People’s Socialist Fund of America (otherwise known as the United States Government Employees’ Union).
With the Romney Campaign now engaging in meaningful talks with Hollywood bigwigs, Obama insiders worry that the Romney Team has figured out the “key to winning Hollywood is baseless, perverted, and unwarranted flattery.” Apparently, writers and directors have been using this technique for years.
Of course, according to one Romney policy advisor, “If you are poor or unable to take care of yourself, you’ll have to reenact Robin Williams’ journey to Hell to prove yourself worthy of a positive eternal afterlife!” Such a comment sparked subsequent cries that the Romney Campaign has little or no concern for 47% of the souls of impoverished Americans.