“Sesame Street” Big Bird Takes Up Personal Vendetta Against Romney
WASHINGTON — The Bird is scared. Mitt Romney wants to kill him and he knows it. The last time a presidential candidate said they wanted to kill someone in a national debate, it did not end well for one Mr. bin Laden.
In the backwoods of the Pocono Mountains, the fog of the morning is clearing. You can hear gunshots in the distance. This is a training facility for the para-military – a militia. Gazing into a clearing, a familiar silhouette stands outlined; it is a big bird. He is holding a .50 caliber Barrett sniper rifle.
The familiar voice carries through the trees, “Did I do that right? Did I hit the target?” A reassuring grown-up voice re-assured, “Yes, you did Big Bird. That was a Bull’s eye.”
As the outline comes into sight he has changed. His feathers are now dyed camo-green and olive. He sits down next to me. “I have been taking wing-to-hand combat lessons. It is tough, but I am learning. I have my talons sharpened now, and I am serrating my beak for the first time. Want to see my tattoo?”
This whole thing with Mitt Romney has everyone scared. Over the next hill, Elmo is learning how to use a grenade launcher.
The Bird started speaking again. “I don’t know what I did to Mitt Romney. Someone must have treated him pretty mean for him to act the way he does. I remember reading where his school days included a time when he actually held down another boy against his will and cut his hair. Maybe he just doesn’t like people with yellow hair or feathers.” Looking at his green feathers, “I am not taking any chances, just in case.”
I asked about the debate.
“I know Mr. Lehrer. He is a very kind and gentle man. I feel bad about the way he was treated. It was almost like Mr. Romney was out to get him. He was mean to him and would not let him speak.”
“I saw Mr. Lehrer like one of the kids on Sesame Street would see a teacher. We have to respect people like teachers. They do things for us. If one of the children in the classroom acted the way Mr. Romney acted to a teacher, we would call his mommy and daddy and tell them he was behaving badly and could not come back to school until he apologized to the teacher and all his classmates. I am sure his daddy would not be happy with him.”
“If I was Mr. Lehrer and Mr. Romney treated me like that I would probably cry. I would have to get up and walk away until Mr. Romney started acting like a nice person.”
The Yellow Bird looked down at the gun and shifted to speaking in a quieter tone; “Mr. Romney has changed me. I don’t know what to do. I don’t like these things, but I feel like I have to defend myself. I have to get back to learning. The very nice people here are showing me what a Second Amendment Solution is.”
He got up and walked away. He turned and said, “Why do these people have to be so mean?”