INSIDER REPORT: Strategists Encourage Biden to Commit Gaffes During Debate, Evoke National Sympathy
By Brandon J. Weichert
CHICAGO—As the Obama Campaign readies for the one and only Vice-Presidential Debate between Democratic Vice-President Joe Biden and Republican Congressman Paul Ryan, many pundits and pollsters on both sides are worried that Joe Biden is going to embarrass himself—and his campaign—when up against the “Whiz Kid,” as one pundit described Paul Ryan.
“He’s just so dumb,” one Obama Campaign spokesperson confided in confidence. “I mean, right now, we’re just trying to keep him from totally going on a rant about how Congressman Ryan is being real ‘Jewy’ with his Entitlement Reform policies,” the spokesperson complained.
Experts have taken to guessing not which zinger either candidate will have, but what “bat-s*** crazy” thing Vice-President Biden will say during the debate.
“In 2008, we could have put a masturbating chimp in its final death agonies up on stage next to Sarah Palin and we still would have won,” said Maggie Carlyle, Obama2012 Southern Region Director, “but now we are facing a Republican with at least a room temperature IQ.”
Insiders claim that they have had to start and stop debate prep no less than 150 times, mostly because Mr. Biden would “start out answering the questions on point, but then would drop into a sordid, barely cogent, racial-epithet-filled riff.” Apparently, at one point, Mr. Biden totally forgot what he was saying and turned to confess his feeling of being highly unqualified for the VPOTUS position.
According to Ben Rhoades, an Obama Campaign insider, he’s had to unload countless DePaul University interns in their Chicago offices for taking “wagers on how quickly VPOTUS will make a fool out of himself.”
Indeed, the chief counsel for the Obama Campaign is threatening to sue the Chicago Tribune for somehow obtaining a private recording of the most recent debate prep with the Vice-President, in which he sits in an empty chair and repeatedly claims that thanks to President Obama’s policies, “The Taliban are not our enemies and the Israelis are on notice not to challenge us!”
“It’s totally unbelievable,” said one anonymous Tribune reporter. “There are several times that the Vice-President seems completely delusional; he even refers to his ‘recent late-night negotiation sessions with Tip O’Neill and President Reagan’ to enter into a ‘negotiated settlement with Soviet Premier Brezhnev’ to ‘end the Cold War forever!’”
Such outbursts and gaffes are going to prove to be devastating to a campaign already on the defensive after a poor debate performance by President Obama. A complete meltdown of “Grandpa Joe” in the Vice-Presidential debate would simply devastate the Obama reelection effort. This is especially true with Obama trying to maintain the youth vote, for many are worried that Biden, up against the young and suave Ryan, will only come off looking like a “fuddy-duddy.”
“Normally, a good campaigner tries to seriously downplay the candidate’s abilities in order to lower expectations for a debate,” David Axelrod explained on this past FOX News Sunday with Chris Wallace. “In the case of Vice-President Biden, we’re serious when we say we are just happy when he manages to string together a cogent sentence without resorting to nonsensical clichés and racial pejoratives. I mean, we thought President [George W.] Bush was a godsend for mockery, but Biden takes the cake.”
MSNBC producers have apparently bolted Chris Matthews chair to the studio floor, as they expect him to have a “complete and total break” from reality on air the moment the debate ends.
However, President Obama himself is apparently very much looking forward to the Vice-Presidential debate, having relayed to The Washington Fancy that “Joe is going to sound so absurd and ridiculous that it will totally throw Congressman Ryan off of his game, and make him look really dumb as well as insensitive.”
Indeed, Vice President Biden commented on these stories, claiming, “Paul Ryan is planning an Octogenarian Holocaust, and him beating good ole ‘Grandpa Joe’ will only reinforce that perception!”
There are even some reports that the Obama Campaign has completely shifted their debate tactics by encouraging Biden to appear as dumb as possible, thereby appealing to “roughly 47% of the electorate,” as one Obama insider phrased it.
All is not lost among the youth, however. “Stupid is sexy,” noted Sandra Fluke, a super- senior at Georgetown Law School, reaffirming a Politico story from last week that claimed a majority of people found the Vice-President “sexier” than the other three men running for high office.
Speaking on Ryan’s behalf as his Chief aide, Dan Senor stated, “The Congressman is a super-dork and expects everyone to care as much as he does about budgetary issues. Really, all people care about is what underwear Kanye West was wearing at the VMAs. Stupid sells!” He added that “Although crazy also sells and I think I might be able to coax Congressman Ryan over to that side of the spectrum…!”
It remains to be seen just how silly and ridiculous Vice President Biden will come off during the debate, but pundits are waiting with “breathless anticipation” for the “hilarity” that will ensue. Comedians have created a new word for the debate, “Biden-ing,” a rueful pejorative to describe someone being silly, absurd, idiotic, or just plain offensive in public venues.
Some local Chicago vendors have even taken to creating talking Biden dolls that “go on and on and on” with some of the most “offensive rants” imaginable – even when you don’t pull the doll’s string.
Photo courtesy of thetimes.co.uk