Romney Unveils New Immigration Plan, Launches “Send Them Back!” Southwestern Tour
By Brandon J. Weichert
BOSTON—In order to capitalize on its fortuitous debate bounce, the Romney Campaign has announced a new, daring immigration initiative called the “Non-Citizen 13660” plan, which calls for “Liberating all non-Caucasian pseudo-Americans to whence they came.”
Nevertheless, pundits are more appropriately calling it the “Send Them Back” plan.
In a speech to the media, Governor Romney proclaimed, “We Republicans are hopelessly outmatched in the arena of racial politics. So, rather than trying to pit rich white guys up against our Brown Brothers and Sisters, we Republicans will never again have to worry about the minority vote… because we will simply kick them all out!”
With the shocking selection of 12-year-old Congressman Paul Ryan as his running mate over the more likely choice of Senator Marco Rubio, Mitt Romney has had to compensate for inadequate Hispanic votes by vowing to “totally and utterly ignore them.” As one campaign representative told us at The Washington Fancy, “If we don’t acknowledge that they exist, how can they possibly harm our reelection efforts? After all, they’re not real Americans, right?” he added gleefully.
The new tour calls for the former Massachusetts governor to ride in an open-air El Camino, wearing a low-riding pair of cargo shorts and a Dickie-brand Wife-Beater whilst blasting the Gypsy Kings Spanish rendition of “Hotel California.” The controversial plan itself calls for a selective lotto system that would allow only the “most vigorous and fit non-Caucasians to remain in the country,” while the women, children, and elderly would be forced to return home.
At each campaign stop in the American Southwest, Mitt Romney will hand the winners of the lotto system a weed-whacker ,and the rest will be rounded up and placed tightly into paddy-wagons and driven for hours across the border.
The plan — designed in part by Conservative luminaries like Newt Gingrich and David Duke — is being lauded by FOX News as a “progressive step toward equality!”
The tour is set to begin the Monday after the Vice-Presidential debate, as there are some worries that Governor Romney will not be well-versed enough in the Art of Shanking.