George Bush Throws Out First Pitch at Second Presidential Debate
By: Garrett Baldwin
HOFSTRA UNIVERSITY — Former President George W. Bush made a brief appearance at the Second Presidential Debate on Tuesday, throwing out the first pitch and striking a debate questioner in the face with a fastball.
“Nailed it!” said Bush as he pumped his fist in delight.
But, quickly realizing that he celebrated too early – like many other missions he’d accomplished – Bush then ran past debate moderator Candy Crowley, who fumbled more than pitches the entire night, and apologized to the victim. The former president consoled Ms. Lisa Stumpgather, a 24-year-old undecided voter whom he struck with the fastball. Stumpgather required three stitches in her chin and was forced out of the debate lineup early.
It was a heartbreaking evening for America, not just because both candidates failed hopelessly to outline their plans for the next four years in detail, but because Ms. Stumpgather was originally scheduled to ask the fourth question of the town hall debate. That question – “How big is your ego to think that you singlehandedly can lead a nation that is the most divided since the outset of the Civil War?” – was a question that many people not in the fawning right or left media were dying to know all across the country.
“In a lot of ways, George Bush did Barack Obama another huge favor tonight,” said MSNBC anchor Chris Mathews after the debate. “Not only did he leave behind an economy so bad that this president can still run on Bush’s failures four years later, but he also helped him avoid a question that probably would have caused Obama to pass out from all the blood rushing to his head.”
Romney, on the other hand, seized on the opportunity. During the debate, one questioner asked how Mr. Romney, a Republican, was different than the former President, Mr. Bush; “I thought a lot about that answer, but I’d already made that completely ridiculous statement about all the binders full of women that I had when I was governor,” said Romney after the debate. “So, I took a more subtle approach [when talking about how I’m different than Bush.] You’ll notice that I point in the direction of where Ms. Stumpgather was sitting… that was a subtle nod to what everyone was thinking… ‘I might not have the first clue about women’s rights, but at least I don’t hit women in the face with balls.’”
The third debate is scheduled for next Monday night, when the two presidential opponents will discuss foreign policy. It has not been announced who will throw the first pitch, but it is clear that the moderator won’t miss the ball or the entire point of the moderator’s job like Candy Crowley did.
The first pitch will be tossed to Bob Schieffer, a man who looks like a cross between Gus Triandos and Bob Barker.