To Court South Florida Jewish Vote, Romney Releases “Family Haggadah”… 5 Months Too Early
Israeli Holy Leaders show Mitt Romney ancient Jewish texts where Jesus is explicitly called the "traitor of mankind."
By Howard Zaharoff
WEST PALM BEACH, FL — As voters prepare to elect the nation’s next President, they know almost all they need to make an intelligent choice, including Mitt Romney’s incredibly detailed “5 Point Plan” – which is twice as detailed as his Earlier “2.5 Point Plan” and 500% more detailed than the original “1 Point Plan” – to solve every economic, Medicare, deficit, and employment problem in one fell swoop.
Nevertheless, one crucial area has been ignored: how would the each of the candidates’ respective administrations celebrate the freedom-loving spring festival of Passover?
Much is already known about the Obama holiday traditions, especially after this past summer’s imbroglio over the President’s secret recipe for charoset (made public due to the Freedom of Information Act), the mixture of fruit and nuts that symbolizes the mortar used by the enslaved Israelites. Thus the key question remains: how would Mitt, Matt, Mary and the rest of the Romney clan celebrate the Jews’ Exodus from Egyptian slavery if they become First Family?
The Romney Family Seder plate, with none of the items whatsoever prepared by Ann Romney.
The Three Symbols: The Rabbis used to say that whoever does not discuss the following symbols on Passover, it is as if he dined on scallops wrapped in bacon:
1. The Pascal Lamb Vindaloo: This reminds us of the spicy cuisine the Israelites ate in the Land of Egypt (not unlike the foods my grandparents ate in the land of Mexico) and how they put lentils on their lintels to keep away the Angel of Death.
2. Mazda and Matzah: Mazda reminds us that you can kiss the American automotive industry goodbye; matzah, on the other hand, reminds us of the flatness of the US economy under the Democrats.
3. Moror and Moroni: This reminds us that the Angel Moroni had his own recipe for bitter herbs, which he revealed to Joseph Smith. The Sages say he probably shared a recipe for charoset as well.
The Four Questions (to be chanted in sing-song voice):
1) Why is this President different from all other Presidents?
2) All other presidents were Deists or Protestants, except two Quakers and a lone Catholic; only this President is Mormon.
3) Of the last dozen presidents, not one had more than four sons; this President has five -none of whom, incidentally, is a clone of any other.
4) All other Presidents knew they were permitted one wife at a time, even Buchanan; this President, in his heart of hearts, knows that if the US weren’t so fussy he could have several wives.
Romney breaks the middle Matzah, an essential part of the seder, to symbolize how the middle class have been broken.
The Five Sons: The Torah speaks of four children: one is wise, one is wicked, one is simple and one does not know how to ask. Tonight ,we speak of Five Sons: the One Who Attended Harvard Business School, the Other One Who Attended Harvard Business School, Yet Another One Who Attended HBS, the One Who Is a Doctor, And The One Who Didn’t Know How to Write An Admissions Essay. What say you to them?
To the Harvard MBAs say, “Chips off the old block! Though remember, I also have a JD.”
To the Physician say, “Nothing to be ashamed of: Tufts is a good school and medicine is a noble calling. You can get the MBA later.”
To the One of Dubious Essays, repeat: “Get Thee with the program. Had you been enslaved in Egypt, you might have been THE child left behind!”
The Ten Plagues (recited in unison; traditionally Jews spill a drop of wine for each plague, to remind us that by this point in the Seder, the Children of Israel are a bit tipsy. This leader spills a drop of apple cider):
- Blood
- Estate Taxes
- Lice
- Public Television
- Cattle Disease
- Sealed Airplane Windows
- Pestilence
- One Car Garages
- Slaying of the Fifth Born
- Jimmy Carter’s Grandchildren
Yankee Doodle went to town,
Riding on a pony;
He stuck a feather in the cap
Of the Angel called Moroni.
Next year in Salt Lake City!
(Maybe with a pit-stop in Tehran… he, he, he…)
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