Tagg Romney Suspended from Next Four Campaign Rallies For Running Illegal Bounty System Targeting Obama Campaigners
BOSTON—Shockwaves are reverberating through the Romney Campaign after a heated exchange between Mitt Romney and his oldest son, Tagg, ended with the suspension of Tagg Romney from the campaign.
Allegedly, MSNBC revealed a bounty scheme orchestrated by Tagg Romney, in which he would pay Romney staffers “oodles of Mitt Bucks” if they seriously debilitated Obama Campaign staffers. Federal Election Commission (FEC) officials describe the scheme as “pervasive and widespread.”
“This has been an ongoing problem since the primaries,” explained one FEC official who has been investigating the Romney Campaign for continual election violations involving “heinous physical attacks” on opposition members. After it was revealed that Governor Romney once bullied a homosexual classmate in grade school, Romney staffers began chasing Gingrich staffers with hair trimmers in the parking lots of debate sites. “Clearly, the apple has not fallen far from the tree,” said the official when describing Tagg’s behavior.
According to reports on top of being inspired by his father’s antics as an adolescent, Tagg Romney got the idea for a Bounty System from the NFL team, the New Orleans Saints. Although not naturally a Saints fan, Tagg Romney began following the Saints after he and his father purchased the lower ninth ward of New Orleans shortly after Hurricane Katrina hit the city in 2005.
“We had to do something big,” said Josh Romney, another of Mitt’s sons who is believed to have collaborated in the Bounty Scheme. “Ever since we stopped injecting steroids because of the Meningitis outbreak, we had to do something to mix it up!”
Apparently just last week, Romney spokesman Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked David Axelrod and sent him to the hospital for two weeks shortly after the DNC. Norris was awarded 10,000 Mitt Bucks and got to spend one night as a guest of the Romney’s at their family compound, sleeping in the stall beside their horse, Alfalca.
Things came to a head when Tagg Romney apparently placed a bounty on young Sasha and Malia Obama, telling his staffers to “go for the legs!” Many on the Campaign claim that Tagg Romney went into a “’Roid Rage” after he thought Sasha and Malia gave him a “funny look” when they met each other on stage at the last debate.
Romney campaign lawyers argue that nothing untoward has been occurring, since no real money has changed hands. “They were tricky with how they went about this = paying their staffers in Mitt Bucks, as opposed to actual money.”
Mitt Bucks are one of the great innovations of the campaign, according to several staff members. The conversion rate is especially confusing for the Mitt Bucks; every Mitt Buck y converts to 40 cents in real money, and instead of a $10 bill, one receives a pink slip with a stamp stating, “You’ve Just Been Outsourced!” When asked to explain this bizarre form of payment, Governor Romney simply said, “It’s similar to the Mormon Church’s conversion of unicorns to leprechauns!”
Many Democrats have taken to comparing the Mitt Bucks System to the Bain Capital Pay Scale, in which one performs tireless physical work and is paid very little, and once a salary is due to arrive, one’s job is conveniently outsourced to China.