American News Corps Wins International Tasteless Award, Again
By Shaun P. Kunz
SANDUSKY, OH—After much deliberation, News Audit’s Tasteless Reporting Award for International News, better known as the TRAIN’s, goes to the entire American news media. Their tireless work outlining and describing sexual misconduct by athletic coaches, and introducing “fondling in the shower” as the new dinnertime vernacular, caused a landslide.
Given only once every three years, the TRAIN was last awarded to the U.S. Market during the 90’s. The Kenneth Starr investigation into President Clinton’s alleged perjury, brought up from the depths a scandal that introduced a generation of children to the term “cumstain,” a la Monica Lewinsky’s Blue Dress. Ironically it also spurred on Cigar Sales and a My Little Humidor Teddy Bear gift basket for the holidays.
At the awards ceremony at the Greater Sandusky Fraternal Order of Vultures Lodge, News Audit Board Chairman Adam Baum thanked the citizens of the city, whose name will always be associated with “…locker room perversion and booster club cover-ups.” The Golden Groper statue was received on behalf of the entire American news media by Anderson Cooper who, rather than give an award speech, simply spritzed his hair, squinted his eyes a little and gave the camera a long, bedroom eyes portrait.
The continuous coverage of the Penn State sexual abuse scandal was only beaten by the detailed coverage and description of the alleged murder of a young girl by her own mother, during the month of July, and the attempted killing of Sen. Giffords in January. In the media’s defense, Mr. Baum explained, “Since we all thought it was a conservative who pulled that trigger, it was okay to overdue the coverage until we realized he was just crazy. That’s why we have pretty much skimmed over the recent White House shooting, we can’t pin ‘TEA PARTY’ on the shooter so it’s a non-story.”
According to representatives from the American Online Satirists Union, the TRAIN is an essential award for the “normies”; it is a tongue-in-cheek name given to mainstream news sources, especially the Big 6 (NBC, CBS, ABC, FOX, CNN, POTUS’s Press Secretary). AOSU Under-Boss, John “Johnny-Nose” Knowles, spoke at the awards show. “We know how much we love the freedom of the press clause, and how much we defend one another’s right to free speech, especially if it has a profit margin or can destroy someone’s career. I want to say how proud I am to be affiliated with such depth of character and breadth of compassion. The repetition of sexual abuse terminology and constant reminders of filth on a daily basis stand in stark contrast to the otherwise featureless horizon of journalism.” There were no dry eyes in the room.
Other markets’ news cycles which were runner ups for the award include: France’s public urination as national pride coverage, Russia’s online wife auction tax rate debate, China’s auspicious lack of any publicly embarrassing or government scandals, and the deluge of new satire sires worldwide.
The News Audit nomination committee, comprised of editors-in–chief from around the world and web, will be hot on the trail for more tasteless coverage beginning in the New Year. The 2012 Presidential race always provides enough fodder to elicit a nod – until then, we will be content with spreading the coverage of other people’s misery so thin it becomes barely detectable as news and we can hardly distinguish between the stories. Congratulations, America.