Legislators Burn Constitution, Geneva Conventions, Other Useless Laws on Senate Floor
By Cy Guevara
WASHINGTON — Senators from both sides of the aisle finally joined today over a warm bonfire, making s’mores and telling ghost stories over the antiquated parchments and laws that made up the blaze.
To conserve space in government libraries and across bookshelves everywhere, lawmakers collected all the laws they had deemed illegal over the past 30 years, threw them in the center of the Senate floor and set fire to them. The overall effect created quite a pyre for roasting marshmallows and singing.
As Republicans and Democrats set their partisan loyalties aside to come together, the only senator unwilling to take part in the general kumbaya was Independent Bernie Sanders, who hid himself in an upper deck of the senate floor to better lob spitballs at his fellow senators below.
The Constitution was burned with holes throughout, looking very much like a charred pasta colander. Everything in the Bill of Rights that had already been repealed was set on fire, leaving only the right to bear arms and the right to turn down a soldier who needed to sleep in your home legible and uncharred. The Geneva Conventions and the U.N.’s Universal Rights of Man and of Children were also set on fire and destroyed. Soon, every regulation by federal agencies were added to the flames, as was any regulation of derivatives, the Glass Steagall Act, and all case law that works against the health or voice of monopolies.
During a spiritual moment on the senate floor, as the flames rose and the drums played, senators appeared to be channeling the spirits of our forefathers and the ghost of Ronald Reagan. There were shouts of “Read my lips!” and “I hope you swine wolves rot in hell!”
At one point, Senatorial interns claimed that they smelled burning cannabis – likely from the liberal side of the aisle – while scents of sulfur, a byproduct of campaign, wafted on the right side.
Remarkably, once the smoke began to clear, a stone tablet with a new set of commandments appeared on the Senate floor, either left by Reagan’s ghost or by God. At the bottom, the Tablet bears the footnote: “To supersede the Ten Commandments, the whole New Testament, and our Country’s every Law.” Strangely, there are only two commandments on the tablet, while the back of the tablet says simply Made in China. The Two Commandments are as follows:
- Man must follow all laws of God and Country.
- Not applicable to the Senate and self-interests.
Instantaneously, a new Committee, The Tablet Insight Commandment Translation Oversight Committee (TICTOC) formed to examine this artifact. They unanimously agreed that the commandments meant the following: 1) Thou the people must and shall follow every law on the books, every book, from the Bible to county laws to the PTA, including some laws we’ll make up as we go, which we do for your own good, and you will like it; and 2) Legislators, Senators, the Managerial Aristocracy and all our children shall be allowed a type of diplomatic immunity, which will render us blameless and pure, happy and wealthy, under all possible circumstances. Amen.
Common people everywhere are expressing gratitude for finally understanding how the system was meant to work. Even legislators remained overawed by the brilliance of the Two Commandments. “Of course!” House Speaker and Town Crier John Boehner exclaimed. “It’s so simple, yet so masterful! It’s like the unifying theory of politics! Only God or Reagan, or maybe both, could think up something as inspired as all that.” Then he cried.