Presidential Debates Voted “Lamest Show on Earth”

By Cy Guevara

SOUTH CAROLINA – Polls nationwide confirm that presidential debates have risen in the ranking of several indices to win “No.1 Waste of Time and Money” and “Lamest Show on Earth,” narrowly squeezing out Circus Elephant Droppings for top honors. Polling data also suggests ‘Debates’ may have just beaten out ‘Sarah Palin for President’ for the title of “Worst Political Joke Ever.”

Across midwestern and eastern states, parents who took their children to see the Presidential Circus that came to town left either unimpressed or simply were not allowed to enter. Many of the tents, debate halls and luncheons were blocked off for all but a handpicked audience—mostly flown in to represent the Roman gladiator contingent.

One man who was allowed inside the second presidential debate at Hofstra University was seen leaving early, dragging his son behind him while covering the boy’s ears. He was quoted as saying to the press, “I just can’t have grown adults booing the Golden Rule, my son’s at an impressionable age.”

In the lead, polling higher than even Obama or Mitt Romney is comedian Stephen Colbert, despite the fact Colbert is only running to be president of the United States of South Carolina, while frontrunner Mitt Romney vies with himself to retain the coveted “Least Embarrassing Candidate” award.

One Republican runner still not allowed into the tent: ghost-candidate Buddy Roemer. Roemer still awaits his ‘golden ticket’ to enter his own party’s circus, most likely because of his fiscally responsible values that defy vulture capitalism and reject Super PAC contributions. At present, Roemer has only been allowed to make appearances around his neighborhood and on what is known as “the liberal media,” made up of comedians, blogs and tee-shirts.

Much like Obama’s convictions, the past debates have failed in all but underwhelming most people. Nationwide polls confirm that people would prefer steaming piles of manure – even that of circus elephants – than sit through another election cycle. “It’s not all that different,” said Jane Churchville, who lives next to a polling station, “but yes, I’d rather have a fairly large pile of elephant droppings in my front yard than see another lawn sign, PAC ad, or idiot child debating.”

Circus elephant droppings are an especially low denominator in indices of what Americans “like and/or will tolerate.” The odorous byproduct of these “real circuses” is known in technical circles as “the turds left behind from beating and intimidating wild elephants to stand on tiny ottomans for the sake of the children.” Experts believe that the byproduct of backing and electing ineligible candidates is more like “pure solid waste resulting from beating and intimidating a supermajority of people, laws and planet for the sake of the country.”

Any candidate left standing is expected to spend at least $1 billion per candidacy; pollsters are still working to uncover why. A growing supermajority of people wonder why they can’t escape to Haiti or at least “select” the candidates they wish to run instead of having “Tweedledumb and Tweedledick” continuously thrust upon them; thus they have turned to Reality TV, drinking more, and ranking the “biggest wastes of all time.”

Behind elections and circus droppings, the “No. 3 Waste” is currently tied between the Gulf Oil Spill, Glenn Beck, and the War in Afghanistan. However, several predicaments are steadily moving up on the charts to reach the No. 4 position: the American Revolution, the Constitution, and any other sacrifice made once upon a time for a real Democracy.

As of now, the main voting interests this season are best summed up by these images: