Iran, Syria, North Korea, and Venezuela to Monitor US Elections
By Brandon J. Weichert
NEW YORK—In a shocking twist, the United Nations has been authorized to deploy election monitors to observe the United States’ presidential election. The members of this august commission have been culled from a veritable who’s-who of what Vladmir Putin calls “totalitarian democracies,” such as North Korea, Syria, Iran, and Venezuela.
The group, which will be transported by the Somali Navy’s single rowboat, will be arriving once they finish “liberating” their political opposition from the “surly bonds of their lives.
“These Americans cannot be trusted,” Mohammad Ali Jafari, head of the Iranian Revolutionary Guards Corps and official UN election monitor said.
In an effort to head off criticism from what the Obama campaign is calling the “xenophobic” and “backward” protests from the Romney campaign, former President Jimmy Carter has been nominated to lead this gallant expedition into the strange, foreign land known as the American Midwest.
“Former President Carter is a great election monitor,” Stephanie Cutter, official Obama Campaign spokeswoman, commented. “He rightly certified Hugo Chavez’s election and refused to condone George W. Bush’s election in 2000—in our minds, his analytical abilities are above reproach.”
Though the Romney campaign is offended by the thought of having UN election monitors actively deployed in the United States, they have not officially commented on the situation. Many speculate that these countries will be unable to perform their tasks, as they cannot leave their country in the midst of the “overjoyed, supportive crowds” of citizens coming out and “praising” their governments. This is particularly true of the egalitarian Syrian government, who is sending elements of their black ski-mask-clad Republican Guard to the United States.
Apparently, the FBI has been put on standby alert, as several members of the Iranian and Syrian delegation have requested time to “tour all of America’s most famous landmarks—especially skyscrapers and the Statue of Liberty.”
North Korean leader Kim Jong-Un has sent a pair of his late-father’s gold-plated platform shoes to the White House, to show the power and the glory that the “collected peoples of the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea” can yield when “properly led.”
Even still, former President Carter has issued assurances that should the “unbiased democrats” of Syria, North Korea, Venezuela, and Iran fail to show up to monitor the US elections, he has former members of the Mubarak, Gaddafi, and Hussein regimes standing by to serve as stand-ins.