God Reaches Out to Christian Voters, Recommends Christianity and Heavy Drinking
Accompanying God’s letter was this handwritten message in the sky. Astronomers are still trying to decipher the meaning behind the starcloud following Earth.
-By GOD
I know y’all like to get creative interpreting what I meant when I said all that stuff that went in the Bible. Some of you wise-hats still get a kick quoting that whole bloopers reel in Leviticus… Ha. But nights here last an eternity and I’ve had a few cocktails, so I think it’s high time we had us a God-a-Mano talk.
Let me explain a little about Christianity, it’s pretty simple: Be nice – you can’t call yourselves Christians and miss Jesus—the one nagging people to be nice to each other—and then claim to be Christian. Kinda defeats the whole concept, see.
Actually, I’m the one what said ‘Let’s just ask ‘em please at least not hurt each other,’ and Jesus said ‘Good Lord, we gotta set our sights higher. Seriously, we’re in negotiations here, capiche? If we’d rather they not hurt each other like animals, I gotta go in strong, tell them to love each other, even their own enemies. Let me prove it to you. Just look at their DNA—freaking Neanderthals and monkeys? Were you kidding? There are turtles with more common sense and human decency.’
So he convinced me. Makes some good points, that One. It’s amazing what children teach you.
The whole do unto others thing? That golden rule that South Carolina Republicans booed? Know what I wanted to call it? Please Don’t be a Dick. Really didn’t think it was so much to ask. But my Son said ‘Daaad, you can’t say that. You know, explain they’re not animals. Insist they love each other.’ So we tried that and lo, 2,000 years later, many of yall still miss the point.
You wanna earn the name of Christian, act like one. Go give a crap for Crissake.
Look at that, y’all have made me drink whiskey and swear. But worse than my high blood pressure or liver are your leaders, this election’s about put me in an early grave. Explain to Me why no church is relevant until they deny birth control? How do y’all ignore everything else every Christian group has ever said about human rights or peace? When it comes to helping the poor and not making them poor to begin with, y’all get real deaf. Don’t get me going on climate stuff. I make a perfectly good planet and y’all turn it into a urinal. Let me paint a picture: you piss in a planter long enough, plant dies.
I’ve been watching. This may explain my heavy drinking. It’s gotten downright medieval down there. Again. Of all the mysteries in the universe, only one I still don’t get: Why does the so-called ‘most evolved species’ on the planet insist on acting worse than animals?
Yet still, people ask me, ‘Hey God, did you really have to let your own son get killed to prove your point?’ I keep pointing out it was you people what killed him. That was kinda the point. The only thing worse than rabid animals throughout your longish human history is rabid humans today who think they’re evolved. I’d bet bra-aficionado Rush Limbaugh his four wives and six mansions that if my boy went out today with a sign that read Give a Crap or Help the Poor, instead of finally caring Mt. Rushdi would erupt, call him a hippie-commie-socialist-slut—just before inviting someone to cast a very large stone.
Honestly. Some humans make me wonder why I even bothered. Cherubim, a Stinger stat!
So check your life: if you find that you’re an a-hole, stop calling yourself Christian. Seriously, you give the whole thing a bad name. I do hear your feelings, you know.Calling yourselves Christian is like calling broccoli a tree—ridiculous.
Well, I for One am glad we had this little talk. Don’t be a stranger… or an a-hole.
Love, -GOD
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Posted by CGuevara
on Nov 5 2012. Filed under Election 2012.
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