Prince William’s Seamen to Join Great Britain’s Olympic Swimming Team

By Steven Tobiasz

LONDON – On Monday, sources in England confirmed the rumors and announced Duchess Kate Middleton was pregnant. Middleton, who is currently being treated for hyperemesis gravidarum, a form of morning sickness that can cause dehydration, has not yet spoken with the media about the announcement.

No formal statement from Prince William was released either, however Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II issued a royal proclamation styesterday at a press conference at London’s Kind Edward the VII Private hospital. The Queen’s remarks tell of the pregnancy, but also the Queen’s new plans for a full “Royal” treatment for the country that involves rebuilding the country’s Olympic Team.

“I was very pleased to learn of the pregnancy of Duchess Middleton,” Queen Elizabeth II stated. “This is not only great news for her and [Prince] William, but for our country overall. It is not new knowledge that our country hosted the Olympics this past summer, and while we did well overall, there were several areas in which improvements could be made.”
“Swimming,” continued Her Majesty, “which was once a proud tradition of our country, has become our Achilles’ heel, and I simply don’t want that anymore. At this time, the team is going to be dismembered and reestablished using only Prince William’s seamen. It is my belief that, with the news of this pregnancy, these boys can actually swim and will do great representing our country in the next Olympics.”
Sources close to the Queen have stated that early tests of the swimmers’ endurance have resulted in new team members awkwardly floating and eventually sinking to the bottom of the pool. However, officials were not worried at this time because of the unlimited supply and the fact new team members could be produced every twenty minutes on the hour.
A full copy of the Queen’s statements is expected to be released this afternoon.

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