In early 1960 our country was jockeying for position among the other world powers. The issue was Communism and the battleground was space. Russia drew first blood with Sputnik and Kennedy’s passions were aroused. It is in this tumultuous landscape that author Allen Hernandez claims an unholy relationship began. In his book, The Shame Of Kennedy, [...]
TOKYO—Secretary of State John Kerry finished his first official trip to Asia with a visit to Japan, where he and Japanese Foreign Minister Fumio Kishida discussed the possible threat of a nuclear North Korea. Not until after a sushi luncheon in his honor, though, did Kerry realize his mistreatment of the escalating situation. “As [...]
WASHINGTON – The United States Postal Service announced Thursday that it would no longer deliver mail on Saturdays, ending an historic prohibition on Jewish mailcarriers. Members of the Jewish faith are prohibited from working on Saturdays, as per the customs of the Sabbath. Postmaster General Patrick Donahoe announced yesterday plans to end weekend delivery, as [...]
WASHINGTON – The Department of Health Services reported Monday that Immigration reforms proposed last week would cause a massive spike in the average American’s ability to run and work for prolonged amounts of time. The legal recognition of America’s 11 million undocumented and able-bodied immigrants could almost double the AAC (Average Aerobic Capacity) of the [...]
By Max Silver PALMDALE – Citing financial difficulties and a failed career in pornography Octomom Nadia Suleman applied for and was granted public assistance by the Los Angeles County Department of Human Services. A jubilent Sulemen was over heard telling a patron of the strip club at which she occasional performs about plans to use [...]
Dear Sirs, Is this an advice column because nobody seems to know who the hell you are? In any event I could use some pointers on how to keep a House full of unruly, screaming children in order. I can’t even control my own kids. Any advice? John Boehner Washington, DC Dear Sirs, Can [...]
Dear Sirs, I can’t believe you guys don’t pay your writers anything. This publication contains some of the most insightful, hilarious writing I have ever seen. J.S. Garner Writer for the Washington Fancy Dear Sirs, Can you spare a little plutonium? Mahmoud A. Tehran, Iran Dear Washington Fancy, I came upon your publication [...]
The Washington Fancy has obtained a copy of The Senate and The House of Representatives joint bipartisan New Years Resolution. We have attached it below.
Students and exam participants often turn to a certification program in an attempt to gain new knowledge, verify their skills and better their career. With Adobe, however, the training does not have to end as a student. Adobe offers anyone possessing an Adobe certification the chance to become a certified instructor (ACI). The ACI certification [...]
Editor’s Note: Following the controversial outburst of ESPN’s Rob Parker on First Take, one of our writers has decided to apply for the job. Dear ESPN Recruiter: I am a recent MBA graduate from Indiana University with practically zero experience covering sports or analyzing teams. I have a rather pedestrian knowledge of the names of [...]
By: Theodore Lost Following Iranian reports that the Revolutionary Guard captured an American spy drone, a press release from the Obama Administration on Wednesday confirms that the U.S. government has acquired President Ahmadinejad’s Walkman and mix tape dubbed “Mahmoud’s Road Jams Vol. 4.” Ahmadinejad, who visited New York last month to that deny [...]
We would like to thank everyone who voted and contributed to our Presidential Meme Contest. It was a huge success and we would like to congratulate the winners! First place by John_s2 Second place by Jeswa
By: Dr. Alex J. Foot Online dictionary website “Dictionary.com” crashed on Friday after 250 million Americans rushed to look up the definition of the word “Optimal.” This came after President Barack Obama appeared on the Daily Show to describe the situation after the Benghazi attacks in Libya. “If four Americans get killed, it’s not optimal,” [...]
Eastwood is mystery guest speaker and starts by telling Obama to get off his lawn… More to come
By S.G. Lawrence FT. LAUDERDALE– After The Washington Fancy reported last year that President Obama had converted to Judaism, and that DNC Chair Debbie Wasserman Schultz had launched “Operation NO EXODUS From the Democratic Party in 2012” to retain skeptical Jewish voters, our newsroom received several leads indicating that the Democratic Party’s efforts at recruiting [...]
By S.G. Lawrence BOSTON -While continuing its undercover investigation of the Cherokee roots of Massachusetts Senate Hopeful Candidate Elizabeth Warren, The Washington Fancy received a hot tip from a Boston Red Sox fan Friday evening, sending reporters disguised as Harvard alumni scurrying to the Cambridge Chapter of AAAA–Affirmative Action Abusers Anonymous–a newly formed nationwide support [...]
By S.G. Lawrence PALM BEACH— The Washington Fancy snagged the first exclusive interview with America’s “Harmless Loveable Little Fuzzball” since the Sandra Fluke controversy erupted only a week ago. But what started out as a conversation about contraceptive chaos turned rapidly into a lecture by America’s “Doctor of Democracy” about the failings of Liberalism, the Left, [...]
By John Twarog WASHINGTON — In a surprising effort to connect with Ron Paul supporters, while throwing one below the Mormon belt of Romney, President Obama has announced that the next focus of his presidency will be subsidizing rum for all citizens of the United States. Last week, during an appearance at a St. Patrick’s [...]
By Elle Zee DRUID HILLS, GA – The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) released a study last month indicating a 50% decrease in HIV rates among intravenous drug users since 1990. This decline is directly linked to the increase in needle exchange programs emerging throughout the country. Due to the success of these [...]
By Stephen Brady WASHINGTON — Postmaster General Patrick Donahoe revealed on Monday that the United States Postal Service may be forced to shut down by next July if the government refuses to offer it a bailout. The shutdown would result in up to 200,000 layoffs by the end of February, but Donahoe assured reporters that [...]
By David Epstein WASHINGTON – In a newly released study by the nonpartisan American Center For America, the average IQ of the Senate rose by five points immediately following the departure of Connecticut Senator Chris Dodd. Senator Dodd decided to leave the Senate after running for president, where he raised over $13 million and then received 0% of the [...]
More info to come
By Bel Atowsky An unnamed aid inside the Gingrich campaign claims Newt has contracted with the prestigious DC architectural firm Bells Karlson to draw up plans to construct a bookstore on White House grounds. The source says he was responsible for delivering a $200,000 retainer to the firm, drawn on campaign funds, immediately after Gingrich’s [...]
By Douglas Timothy WASHINGTON — First there was Herman Cain’s parade of accusers. Then there was Newt’s ex-wife stewing over open-marriage proposals. Now, Iowa’s darling, Rick Santorum, has found himself in the awkward position of defending himself against allegations of sexual impropriety. Anonymous sources within the GOP allege that Santorum and a man by the name [...]
More info to come.
More details to come.
Presidential Candidate Michelle Bachmann has announced she will be suspending her campaign after realization that she cannot win based on her 28 children’s votes. Mainly because none of them are over the age of 18. She has confirmed that she will run in 2028 when all of her children are of age. More details [...]
WASHINGTON — Beginning in February, voters in Oklahoma can influence the outcome of statewide elections by supersizing their happy meals. State lawmakers yesterday passed “Vote By the Pound,” the first law in the nation to use a person’s body weight to determine the weight his or her vote will carry at the polls. Oklahoma Governor [...]
By Max Silver CHICAGO –In a questionable strategic move, online satire publication The Onion has chosen to completely ignore the circus in Iowa and continue to beat the dead horse that is the presidency of George W. Bush. While the wire services and other political outlets have picked up on the fact that Denver Broncos [...]
By Chester S. McFisticuffs HAVANA—Infamous former Cuban president Fidel Castro released a video yesterday aimed at the American “Occupy Wall Street” movement and its subsidiaries nation-wide. In the video, Castro extols the virtues of communism and extends a formal invitation to the protesters to move to Cuba. “I would love to play host to our [...]
I met with a low-ranking Al Qaeda runner (for security purposes, I will call him “Faisal”) in a suburb of Lahore who told me that we were going to be making a bus trip. Our destination: the now-infamous town of Abbottabad. He was eager to point out the compound where his slain leader had lived [...]
By Isaac Ben-Shlomo WASHINGTON—In a stunning move that caught the entire White House by surprise, President Barack (Baruch) Obama announced today he will be converting to Judaism. Inside sources indicate that Obama has been contemplating this shift for some time, since confidence in the President among Jews has eroded greatly in recent months. With an [...]
WASHINGTON–President Obama plans to address the nation today in light of recent reports that a large tear has been found at the inseam of the United States’ moral fabric. A source close to the matter has narrowed down the causes of such a tear to wrath, greed, sloth, pride, lust, envy, gluttony, or the passage of a [...]
More details to come.
NEW YORK—Two young financial pioneers, James Stuart and Stephan Arthur Coburn III, announced today that they were planning a new financial exchange market for media speculation trading. Citing the constant and large swings in media attention on a weekly, if not daily basis, the two finance graduates believe there is a niche here waiting to [...]
BRUSSELS – Last week, the European Union issued new regulations banning bottled water distributors from advertising that their products could help prevent dehydration. Citing a study conducted by 21 scientists in Italy showing that reduced water content in the body is a symptom of dehydration, the edict goes into effect over the next few months. [...]
NEW YORK—Below is an exclusive transcript from an interview between Michael Rose from the The Washington Fancy and Republican presidential nominee Herman Cain: Cain: I started the Occupy movement! People wanted change and innovation – I was the first person to stand up for the 99% and say ‘No! We’re not going to take it any [...]
NEW YORK—Early this morning, NYPD officers arrested Herman Cain, a leading GOP presidential candidate, after he allegedly assaulted Governor Rick Perry outside a Manhattan massage parlor. Perry, although suffering some minor bruising and scratches, is in good condition and expects to return to the campaign trail tomorrow, especially since the Iowa Caucus is only two weeks [...]
WASHINGTON — An intern working in the Hart Senate building stormed out of the office on Tuesday, screaming that she was sick and tired of not having the opportunity to give any “important people” a blow job. Samantha Colston, 22, quit her position as a filing intern, citing a “lack of oral sex demand” and [...]
Mitt Romney, currently running well in the GOP primaries, announced today that he will also seek the Democratic nomination for President. He told this reporter, who had been suspiciously hanging out at his Massachusetts HQ, ”I sense an opportunity. The President’s falling in popularity, even in Democratic strongholds. In the business world, you jump or you [...]
Team Bachmann has lost its New Hampshire staff. This was confirmed with the following denial by team owner Michele Bachmann herself during an interview with Radio Iowa: I don’t know where that came from. We have called staff in New Hampshire to find out where that came from and the staff have said that isn’t true, so [...]
JERUSALEM- On Monday, the Israeli Supreme Court approved what has become a high-profile prisoner exchange between the country and the Palestinian group Hamas. The trade featured Sgt. Gilad Shalit, who was captured by the militant group in 2006, and over 1,000 Palestinian prisoners of various offenses currently being held in Israeli prisons. Details surrounding the [...]
LEBANON, N.H. — New Jersey Governor Chris Christie – who spurned repeated calls to run for president himself – endorsed Mitt Romney for President on Tuesday, sending a signal to the GOP that he is ready to convert to Mormonism, get some new special slimming underwear, and change his name to Chris Christi-Romney. The prenuptial [...]
NEW YORK — Facing heavy criticism and scrutiny from the media, Joe Randazzo, editor-in-chief of The Onion, announced his resignation today. “I would like to extend my sincerest apologies to the Capitol Hill Police Department and anyone else we may have scared into believing there was an actual hostage situation in the Capitol building,” said [...]
NEW YORK — Fox News launched an online poll to gauge readers’ opinions on the last Republican debate and asked their audience, “Which GOP presidential candidate do you think won the Fox News/Google debate?” Early web trends gave Congressman Ron Paul a significant lead over the second place Mormon candidate, Governor Mitt Romney. However, FOX [...]
BRISTOL, CT — Hank Williams Jr. and his theme song, “Are You Ready For Some Football,” were pulled from Monday Night Football after he compared House Speaker John Boehner to the Israeli President. During an interview on Fox and Friends, Williams criticized the Speaker’s recent “golf summit” with President Obama, saying it “would be like [...]
WASHINGTON — President Obama climbed to the top of “Brokeback Mountain” to ridicule Republicans for not defending a gay soldier who was booed by an audience member during a recent Republican Debate. The President accused Republicans candidates of wanting “smallness” of government. “We gays like bigness, not smallness. It is not OK for a stage [...]
WASHINGTON — In an unprecedented show of support for 2nd Amendment rights, President Obama is taking his family and a few friends from NASA, DHS, FEMA, Congress, and the corporate world to visit what is believed to be the 58th State, and he is going with a “Cocked Pistol.” That 58th state resides somewhere under Denver, and is [...]
WASHINGTON — Union Station was briefly evacuated today after the Metropolitan Police Department Bomb Squad was alerted to a potentially dangerous incident that occurred near the Metro station entrance. Witnesses reported seeing a man being swiftly carried away in handcuffs after a brief exchange with a police officer. A press conference was held following the [...]
GETTYSBURG, GA — The three men stood there, unblinking. “You mean they use people’s names to anthropomorphize hurricanes nowadays?” said Cletus Jenkins. Cletus’s friends Bo and Jet were equally distraught. “It just hurts to get our hopes up like this, ya know,” commented Bo. The men admitted that they had misconstrued a major news headline [...]
Our hearts go out to the victims of September 11. May you always be with us and may God bless America.
After being questioned by both agencies, Mr. Boyle admitted that “Timmy. G” had given him a prime position within the Department of Justice. Boyle also confessed to giving many of the stolen jobs to other former XXX members who were out of work. After Mr. Boyle’s interrogation, FBI investigators questioned Secretary Geithner, who almost immediately [...]
KABUL – A crowd of jubilant al-Qaeda terrorists were apprehended last night after being erroneously led to believe that Iranian forces had invaded the United States. Having heard reports of “chaos” in Washington D.C. and “destruction across the East coast,” insurgents sang, danced and praised the mighty force which had attacked “The Great Satan.” Nevertheless, [...]
MIDDLE OF NOWHERE, USA – Local law enforcement was called to a scene at an old abandoned farmhouse near Lake Cinnabar late last night, only to find Tea Party darling Michele Bachmann ensnared in what appeared to be a rather elaborate Rube-Goldberg trap. Standing next to Ms. Bachmann were Fredrick “Freddie” Jones, Norville “Shaggy” Rogers, Daphne [...]
WASHINGTON — A disgruntled member of the Obama administration’s economic team says that President Obama was distracted from focusing on the economic crisis last week due to his masturbating addiction. According to an anonymous White House source, the President has always masturbated 10-15 times a day, but now it’s taking him longer to finish the [...]
Rep Barney Frank caught farting on The Rachel Maddow Show on MSNBC.
CAPE CANAVERAL — According to a recent survey by the U.S. Bureau of Statistics, the number one concern regarding NASA’s cutbacks, aside from the termination of the Shuttle program, appears to be defenselessness against an invasion from the transforming alien race known as the Decepticons. Despite assurances of safety from President Barack Obama, as well [...]
JUBA – South Sudan gained its independence last week, but now the real fight begins: the bidding war to name the nation. To raise funds for the impoverished country, President Salva Kiir authorized a radical fundraiser: the chance for the highest bidder to name the world’s newest nation. “This could raise millions of dollars for [...]
Most likely to have hidden sexual misconducts continually surface over the next 10 years: DSK Arnold Schwarzenegger Ben Roethlisberger The Catholic Church
Most men facing an implosion of their campaign staff in the the most important state of the Republican primaries would withdraw from a presidential race, but Herman Cain is not most men: he’s a pizza man. This week Mr. Cain told reporters he lost no momentum with the desertion of some of his top Iowa [...]
Much has been made of the phone hacking scandal resulting in the closing of News of the World, but we at The Washington Fancy do not understand all of the hullabaloo. We’ve have been hacking phones for weeks now - how else could we bring you up-to-the-minute reports on what Congress is discussing while in [...]
- Rupert Murdoch announced the death of the widely popular News of the World this week, adding that such action has prevented him from releasing the nude photos sent by former Representative Anthony Weiner to the Queen of England. __________________________ – Decades of racial inequality ended this week with the acquittal of Casey Anthony. OJ Simpson rebuffed [...]
Most hated person for getting away with murder: OJ Simpson Casey Anthony Colonel Mustard
Most likely to not win the republican nomination for their policy on coffee: Mitt Romney John Huntsman The Starbucks Mermaid
Most likely to cause a government default, to once and for all unequivocally prove they have the largest phallus in Washington: Barak Obama John Boehner Eric Cantor The Washington Monument
President Obama released this new theme song with a music video for his administration. We thought you might like it… httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zQ-hPNrKdZI
DESTIN, FL– Tom, a 34-year-old Transportation Security Administration agent at Northwest Florida Regional Airport, survived the most nerve-wracking experience of his life: arresting a 95-year-old woman after finding dangerous explosives inside her adult-diaper. “We had been getting notices of suspicious activity all day, and I saw this old lady in a wheelchair that matched the descriptions.” Tom, who lives with [...]
FT. LAUDERDALE – Following on the heels of President Obama’s announcement last week that he is converting to Judaism (Click here for read the exclusive WF story), Democratic National Committee Chair Debbie “Doesn’t-Do-Dishes-on-Shabbos” Wasserman Schultz agreed to do an exclusive interview with The Washington Fancy about the DNC’s newly launched “Operation NO EXODUS from the Democratic [...]
