By William Celloutte NORTH POLE – In news that shocked the world only days before Christmas, longtime job and toy creator Santa Claus announced that due to the uncertainty caused by the ongoing “Fiscal Cliff” negotiations, he will be forced to drastically cut toy production for this year’s holiday season. “The Corporate Accounting Elf in [...]
By William Celloutte WASHINGTON –In a press statement released today, the Office of the Senate Sergeant at Arms made public a report it had conducted on the Senate Suggestion Box Program. This report outlined the contents of the suggestion and box and made several controversial recommendations for the future of the program. According to the [...]
By William Celloutte MINNEAPOLIS — Former Governor Tim Pawlenty has been awake since 3 AM this morning and hasn’t moved from the chair next to his phone. Unavailable for comment citing his desire to not miss Mitt Romney’s telephone call asking him to be Vice President, Pawlenty’s communication director Chip McJeffers released the following statement; [...]
By William Celloutte LONDON – A surprise victory for the first ever North Korean Olympic Team. In a historic sweep, the North Korean Men’s and Women’s Hunger Games teams swept the event’s Olympic debut. North Korea beat out other competing nations such as Somalia, Haiti, Tajikistan and the Central African Republic. Patterned after the popular [...]
By William Celloutte Athens – While many in Europe were celebrating a rousing start to the Euro of 2012, many Greek politicians were cheering the success of its new gambling based fiscal policy. The country of has officially announced that it is placing approximately 67%, or roughly $201 Billion USD, of its GDP on bets [...]
By William Celloutte WASHINGTON—In a press statement released today, White House Chief of Staff Bill Daley announced that months after Rahm Emanuel resigned from the position of Chief of Staff, the office is still receiving mail intended for the new Mayor of Chicago. The statement read, “Day in and day out, the Office of the [...]
WASHINGTON—Former Speaker of the House and Presidential Candidate Newt Gingrich released a statement seeking to clarify early comments he made that people didn’t like. The statement from Gingrich read: “I am completely opposed to the stuff that I said earlier that you didn’t like.” Said Gingrich “I don’t like it either, in fact I support [...]
ROCHESTER—In a collective sigh of relief heard from Detroit to Pennsylvania State University, the entire Perry Campaign staff thanked God that Joe Paterno was fired on the same night as Perry’s debate gaffe. Early in the evening, Governor Perry was on his way to becoming tomorrow’s YouTube clip du’jour. Perry was initially unable to correctly [...]
SAN FRANCISCO—Apple announced today that sales for the iPhone 4S, its latest model, dropped 45% last month due to the product’s use in Mitt Romney’s most recent speech. Governor Romney criticized president Obama for “using a payphone strategy in a smart phone world” while holding up his iPhone. The fact Mitt Romney has an iPhone [...]
WASHINGTON – In a press release this morning, Joe Biden announced that he will be paying his half of the White House’s rent late. This marks the first time the Vice President has been late on the rent for the nation’s most iconic house. Though being late with the White House’s rent is the largest [...]
TRENTON – As of 4:40am this morning, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie will try to resolve the state deficit by eating either practically indigestible or disgusting amounts in competitive eating contests. Over the last several weeks, national discontent with the current Republican frontrunners for the 2012 election have fueled rumors have surfaced that Christie would decide [...]
DES MOINES – In a shocking departure from tradition, Republican Presidential nominee Michele Bachmann announced today that she has chosen not one, but two running mates. The Minnesotan Congresswoman announced she will be running with Representatives Steve Turner and Richard Overdrive. The ”B.T.O.” ticket (Bachmann–Turner-Overdrive) is expected to bring a sound to the political debate [...]
WASHINGTON – The White House Press Conference with Jay Carney took on an unexpected turn this week, as the entire White Hoise was completely unsure whether the Press Secretary was wearing pants behind the pulpit. On the blistering summer day in Washington, Carney seemed unusually calm, cool, and composed as the rest of the Press [...]
WASHINGTON — Congressman Peter King, the chairman of the House Committee on Homeland Security, held his second round of the hearings investigating the extent of “radicalization” in the Muslim community. The committee had before it multiple witnesses speaking on many issues; there were detailed accounts from parents of how their children became radical, personal testimony [...]