Stories written by BVerschoor
By Doug Limey ATLANTA—Following evidence of the complicit role of teachers in helping students cheat on nationally mandated standardized tests, on Monday, the Atlanta school board announced a new curriculum that will encourage and cultivate cheating on exams. The move comes after an investigation showed widespread student cheating, aided and encouraged by teachers in dozens [...]
Feb 6 2012 | Posted in
Off The Hill |
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A.R. Bud: Golden Retrier (not a typo) By Doug Limey SAN FRANCISCO — The fate of a Californian gay marriage ballot initiative will be decided upon by a dog, the Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals ruled Tuesday. Judge A.R. Bud, a 56 dog-year-old purebred golden retriever known for his athleticism and sharp legal acumen, has [...]
Jan 18 2012 | Posted in
Off The Hill |
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WASHINGTON—The nerves of law enforcement officers in the nation’s capitol have been stretched to the breaking point by an influx of groups of Segway riders. Originally seen as a harmless novelty, District use of Segways has increased in number in recent years with devastating results. Entire traffic lanes are filled with the riders and some [...]
Dec 6 2011 | Posted in
Off The Hill |
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WASHINGTON—Negotiations to raise the debt ceiling turned dramatic today when House Republicans declared that any attempt to raise taxes would be answered with the shooting of a dog. Leaders of both parties were meeting to end the impasse and had just opened the meeting when Speaker of the House John Boehner (R-OH) gave a whistle. [...]
Nov 30 2011 | Posted in
Congress |
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ANNAPOLIS, MD— President Barack Obama abruptly left a Department of Education picnic on Monday, and in the process deserted some of the country’s most cherished principals. The event, held at Annapolis High School, was organized as a means of celebrating American learning and wisdom and the people who help to cultivate it. After meeting with [...]
Oct 11 2011 | Posted in
Administration |
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NASHUA, NH—Texas Governor Rick Perry apologized Wednesday for comments that implicitly threatened Federal Reserve chairman Ben Bernanke, saying they were not violent enough. At a Tuesday campaign stop in Iowa, Perry described the possibility of the Fed printing more money before the 2012 presidential election as “treason” and that, “I dunno what y’all would do [...]
Aug 18 2011 | Posted in
Election 2012 |
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NEW YORK—This week’s edition of TIME Magazine has supporters of George Washington up in arms over what they say is an unflattering portrayal of the nation’s first President. The cover, with the headline, “The Great American Downgrade” features an extreme close-up portrait of Washington by Gilbert Stuart, showing the founding father with a black eye [...]
Aug 13 2011 | Posted in
Off The Hill |
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WASHINGTON—Republicans were unanimous in blaming President Barack Obama this past weekend for their tactics in the debt ceiling standoff that led to a downgrading of the United States’ credit score. Recriminations began shortly after ratings agency Standard & Poor’s announced on Friday that they had lowered the U.S.’ score from a risk-free AAA to AA+. S&P [...]
Aug 11 2011 | Posted in
Congress |
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NEW YORK—After several days of wild fluctuations in the stock market, economists warned on Wednesday that Wall Street, threatening to go over a cliff, is “in one of its moods.” The resolution of Congress’ debt ceiling negotiations was expected to stabilize markets. Instead, the Dow plunged over 500 points last Thursday, its largest drop since [...]
Aug 10 2011 | Posted in
Off The Hill |
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WASHINGTON—President Barack Obama stunned members of his party Wednesday with the revelation of his fetishization of hardcore centrism. Rumors of the President’s extreme bipartisanship were confirmed as the standoff over deficit reduction and raising the debt ceiling was winding down. Throughout negotiations with Republicans, Democrats had received messages from Obama such as “Oh yeah,” and [...]
Aug 4 2011 | Posted in
Headlines |
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LOS ANGELES—Americans’ anxiety has reached a fever pitch as they finds themselves only a day away from horror film director Wes Craven’s next birthday. Craven, born on August 2, 1939, will be turning 72. Having directed numerous horror films including the Scream series, the original A Nightmare on Elm Street, and Music of the Heart, [...]
Aug 1 2011 | Posted in
Off The Hill |
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WASHINGTON—The debate over raising the debt ceiling claimed dozens of lives Sunday as the ongoing discussion robbed news bureaus, think tanks, and Congressional offices of oxygen to breathe. As the nation moves closer to the August 2 deadline to raise the debt ceiling, the number of analyses and long-winded arguments over Democrat and Republican proposals [...]
Aug 1 2011 | Posted in
Off The Hill |
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OSLO — Details have begun to emerge about the suspected perpetrator of Friday’s back-to-back terror attacks in Norway’s capitol city that left at least 92 dead. The suspect, Anders Behring Breivik*, who turned himself in to authorities, is a white** Christian*** fundamentalist****. His political beliefs are described as far right*****, with suspected ties to right [...]
Jul 27 2011 | Posted in
International |
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WASHINGTON—A new Gallup poll shows a majority of Americans would not mind the chaos and disorder that would result from national default. The poll, released Thursday, included a preface that explained a national default, set to take effect August 2 should Congress fail to raise the debt ceiling, would leave the government without the ability [...]
Jul 23 2011 | Posted in
Administration |
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LONDON — The English government declared comedian Jonathan May-Bowles a national hero for his attempt to plaster News Corp. owner Rupert Murdoch with a pie during his Parliamentary hearing yesterday. After over two hours of testimony before the House of Commons, a disturbance near Murdoch brought the proceedings to a halt. May-Bowles, who goes by [...]
Jul 20 2011 | Posted in
Headlines |
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[Marcus Bachmann, husband of Republican presidential candidate Michele Bachmann, has faced controversy over the past two for his clinic’s “reparation therapy” for gay people, as well as his own seemingly gay mannerisms. Marcus Bachmann plans to put the rumors to rest with a show-stopping musical number, the lyrics of which The Washington Fancy has obtained and [...]
Jul 18 2011 | Posted in
Off The Hill |
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[On Wednesday, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton made the following statement, characterizing the assassination of Afghani president Hamid Karzai’s half-brother as a sign of progress over the previous decade.] It was with great sadness that I learned of the death of Ahmed Wali Karzai yesterday. My interactions with him were few, but I have friends [...]
Jul 14 2011 | Posted in
International |
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WASHINGTON—After the public outcry following yesterday’s acquittal of Casey Anthony, President Barack Obama gave the orders for a CIA strike on Anthony with unmanned drones, traditionally used in fighting Islamic terrorists abroad. In Orlando, the Florida jury’s verdict acquitting Anthony of murdering her daughter Caylee, brought multitudes of affluent tabloid television viewers onto news and [...]
WASHINGTON – Politicians and pundits on Thursday reacted with shock and disgust at news analyst’s derisive referral to President Obama as a male reproductive organ. MSNBC contributor Mark Halperin appeared on MSNBC’s Morning Joe program with Joe Scarborough to discuss President Obama’s press conference the previous day. When the subject turned to Obama’s criticism of Republicans [...]
Jul 1 2011 | Posted in
Off The Hill |
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WASILLA – Sarah Palin threw the national press corps into frenzy with her announcement of a tour, cancelled in advance, of American cities she will not visit. In the wake of her stalled bus tour of America and a cancelled trip to Sudan with Reverend Franklin Graham, there was much speculation that the former Alaskan governor [...]
Jul 1 2011 | Posted in
Election 2012 |
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[President Obama, in a speech on Saturday, sought to ease the nerves of a nation frayed by the drama unfolding in the trial of Casey Anthony. The trial of Anthony, accused of murdering her daughter Caylee, has been under way since late May and has drawn rapt audiences, as evidenced by wall-to-wall CNN coverage. Understanding [...]
Jul 1 2011 | Posted in
Administration |
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WATERLOO – In an interview this morning, Republican presidential candidate, Rep. Michele Bachmann, clarified remarks she made on Monday likening herself to the infamous serial killer John Wayne Gacy and praising him for “his strong civic spirit.” Bachmann made headlines Monday when she gave a speech in Waterloo, Iowa claiming, “John Wayne was from Waterloo, [...]
Jun 28 2011 | Posted in
Election 2012 |
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NEW YORK—As retribution for the New York state legislature’s legalization of same-sex marriage, New York City Friday night experienced cataclysm and biblical tribulation that left almost no survivors. A tense vote on a contested gay marriage bill resulted in a 33-29 victory for same-sex marriage proponents. Upon the bill’s passage New York City—whose destruction many [...]
Jun 28 2011 | Posted in
Off The Hill |
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TALLAHASSEE, FL— Jon Huntsman, Jr., already at odds with Republicans over their questioning of President Barack Obama’s legitimacy, now faces criticism in the key area of trivial details. In one of his first campaign stops since announcing his run for the presidency, Huntsman, former governor of Utah, elaborated on his theme of civility before a [...]
Jun 22 2011 | Posted in
Election 2012 |
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DES MOINES—Presidential aspirant Mitt Romney’s campaign took a turn for the worse on Saturday when he suddenly began melting mid-speech. The former Massachusetts governor, speaking at an outdoor campaign rally in his bid for the Republican nomination, apologized for his previous support for gay rights and his Massachusetts health care plan, and then delivered a [...]
Jun 18 2011 | Posted in
Election 2012 |
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ST. ANSELM COLLEGE—Michele Bachmann’s presentation of her candidacy at the New Hampshire Republican Presidential debate surprised literally everyone that had been following her, sometimes to the point of injury. In recent months, Representative Bachmann had made no indication whatsoever that she was planning on running for the presidency. Her announcement, therefore, was greeted with surprise, [...]
Jun 18 2011 | Posted in
Election 2012 |
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NEW YORK—At a press conference Wednesday evening, beleaguered Congressman Anthony Weiner announced he has had his first name legally changed. Weiner, the twelve-year representative of New York’s 9th District, looked to be choking back tears as he delivered the news. “I will now be known to my family, my friends, and my constituents, as Ned [...]
Jun 14 2011 | Posted in
Congress |
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