By Brandon J. Weichert WASHINGTON, D.C.—Washington has had a spending problem for the last twenty years or so, according to many political pundits. To critics of the large federal bureaucracy, they find it to be wasteful. At one time or another, it has been claimed that organizations like the Pentagon have spent “$400 on a [...]
By Brandon J. Weichert ATLANTA—Former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich is a man known for his controversial political stances, and for having a morally questionable personal history. After waging a brutal—and expensive—failed presidential bid in 2012, Speaker Gingrich has determined that he will never win a future presidential election. Thus, he has opted to [...]
By Brandon J. Weichert NEW YORK—In a shocking twist, the United Nations has been authorized to deploy election monitors to observe the United States’ presidential election. The members of this august commission have been culled from a veritable who’s-who of what Vladmir Putin calls “totalitarian democracies,” such as North Korea, Syria, Iran, and Venezuela. The group, [...]
By Brandon J. Weichert & Steven Tobiasz CHICAGO—For six months, the Democratic Party has claimed that their Republican counterparts have been at war with not only women, but ethnic minorities as well; such intellectual titans like Eva Longoria and Ben Affleck have affirmed as much in speeches at the Democratic Convention. To further this belief, the [...]
By Brandon J. Weichert & Steve Tobiasz BOSTON—Shockwaves are reverberating through the Romney Campaign after a heated exchange between Mitt Romney and his oldest son, Tagg, ended with the suspension of Tagg Romney from the campaign. Allegedly, MSNBC revealed a bounty scheme orchestrated by Tagg Romney, in which he would pay Romney staffers “oodles of Mitt [...]
By Brandon J. Weichert BOSTON—In order to capitalize on its fortuitous debate bounce, the Romney Campaign has announced a new, daring immigration initiative called the “Non-Citizen 13660” plan, which calls for “Liberating all non-Caucasian pseudo-Americans to whence they came.” Nevertheless, pundits are more appropriately calling it the “Send Them Back” plan. In a speech to the [...]
By Brandon J. Weichert CHICAGO—As the Obama Campaign readies for the one and only Vice-Presidential Debate between Democratic Vice-President Joe Biden and Republican Congressman Paul Ryan, many pundits and pollsters on both sides are worried that Joe Biden is going to embarrass himself—and his campaign—when up against the “Whiz Kid,” as one pundit described Paul [...]
By Brandon J. Weichert and Steven J. Tobiasz CUPERTINO—The anticipation has been building for some years now. Ever since the first computer was created, man has dreamed of uniting himself with machine. Now, with the unveiling of the Global Gag-Me Ap (GGMA, pronounced “Gooma”) for the iPhone 5, humankind is one step closer to the complete and [...]
By Brandon J. Weichert BOSTON—A struggling Romney Campaign has been desperately trying to avoid stereotypes that the former Massachusetts Governor is the prototypical Republican: wealthy, indifferent, and interested only in maintaining profits. Consequently, Romney Campaign spokeswoman Andrea Saul has released the updated Romneycare Plan, otherwise known as the “What Dreams May Come” Policy. Such a proposal [...]
By Brandon J. Weichert WASHINGTON, D.C.—President Barack Obama is a historical president—love him-or-hate him—no one has generated as much controversy and brought so much attention to the White House since Willie Nelson shared a doobie on the White House roof with Billy Carter [then-President Jimmy Carter’s brother]. Under Barack Obama’s watch, the economy has slowed [...]
Brandon J. Weichert TAMPA—Joe Biden seems to be quite confused as to where he’s at most of the time. In fact, many speculate that old Uncle Joe is senile. But yesterday’s most recent events in Tampa Bay, Florida really threw a proverbial wrench in President Obama’s reelection plans. “We were filing into the convention and [...]
By Brandon J. Weichert TAMPA— Tropical Storm Isaac is bearing down on Southwest Florida; planners of the 2012 Republican National Convention have had to cancel the opening events on Monday, and there is still talk that the Convention will have to be canceled once more on Tuesday. “The fear right now is that we won’t be able [...]
By Brandon J. Weichert TAMPA—With just 73 days left in one of the most contentious presidential elections in American history, the biggest acts of political theater are set to take place: the political conventions. Up first is the GOP Convention in Tampa Bay, FL. Though unimportant to the actual electoral process, the Conventions are a [...]
By Brandon J. Weichert ATLANTA—The Primary Season has long been over and America has settled on two presidential candidates, but many are wondering where some of politics’ biggest stars have been? Well, The Washington Fancy is pleased to report that two of the biggest stars, former President Bill Clinton and former 2012 Republican Presidential Candidate Herman [...]
By Brandon J. Weichert WASHINGTON — New sources have revealed that Vice President Joe Biden’s warning to a predominantly African-American audience in Danville, Virginia that Republican hopeful Mitt Romney would “keep y’all in chains” was in fact a gaffe, but not in the sense that most understood. Apparently, Biden fumbled his words, and truly meant [...]
By Brandon J. Weichert WASHINGTON, D.C.— For some time now, CNN has been losing a brutal ratings war with competitors FOX News and MSNBC. One show in particular, Wolf Blitzer’s The Situation Room, is known for reporting the most mundane news articles in the most jarring and exciting ways. This has led to many to unofficially dub Wolf [...]
By Brandon J. Weichert LOS ANGELES—Oliver Stone is making another political film, or so say Hollywood insiders. The film—with the working title of “Romneyhood”—is based primarily off of the inscrutably factual musings of Democratic Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid and described as portraying a “schizophrenic and paranoid Romney, divorced from reality, obsessed with standing on [...]
By Brandon J. Weichert CHICAGO—After many months of searching for anything in Mitt Romney’s background to attack him with and coming up with nothing (save for questions of tax impropriety), Democrats are coming up with a new controversial talking point: Governor Romney is simply “too good” to be President. “We’ve known for some time that Romney [...]
By Brandon J. Weichert WAZIRISTAN—Taliban leader Mullah Omar announced from his cave today that with American and NATO forces drawing down in Afghanistan, his organization can finally begin to grow again. After meeting with several of his own advisers and some al Qaeda advisers, it was decided that on top of expanding their branch offices in [...]
By Brandon J. Weichert LOS ANGELES—As the nation waits for several provisions of the highly controversial Affordable Care Act to go into effect, there is one that Hollywood plans to exploit immediately. Mark Burnett, producer of such hits as Survivor and Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader? has been given a green light by FOX Television [...]
By Brandon J. Weichert ALEPPO/ WASHINGTON – In recent weeks, Syrian President Bashar al-Assad confessed that the Syrian regime did possess Weapons of Mass Destruction, but reassured the international community that he would reserve those “Tools of Liberation only for Godless Foreigners like the Christian Crusaders and Zionist Pigs.” White House Press Secretary Jay Carney [...]