NEW YORK – Tensions and allegations over Benghazi came to a fevered boil as FOX News may have reported something true. No one in the vast liberal mainstream media of PBS, Sesame Street or half an MSNBC was prepared, while most independent and inconsequential news agencies were shocked. “I don’t understand,” said a shaken Amy [...]
WASHINGTON, DC – Last week, Congress came together to pass something, overcoming partisan politics in a unanimous vote to “help struggling congress members.” Provisions in the Stop Trading on Congressional Knowledge (STOCK) Act that would have helped prevent lawmakers and government officials from insider trading on stocks was repealed in 10 seconds in the Senate, [...]
WASHINGTON D.C. – As 2013 ramps up to continued “stay the course” sameness for a supermajority of citizens while a damaged planet turns and the fiscal cliff looms below, the U.S. population is advised to embrace the edge. To help, in a historic move the U.S. Congress came together to finally pass something: a handy [...]
NATIONAL HARBOR, MD – This year’s Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC) was a who’s who of right-leaning Republican leaders who exemplify the GOP’s best and brightest. Among the intellectual giants were Sarah Palin, Michele Bachmann, Ann Coulter, Donald Trump, Rick Perry, Newt Gingrich and Mitt Romney. Snubbed from attending the event was Chris Christie, [...]
Threat Level: 11 Though many remain skeptical that meteors and other scientific phenomena exist, meteors are now starting to make their impact felt. In Russia, their recent display of wanton force and destruction injured more than 1,000 communists, destroying government property. Though Pentagon sources claim to be “thrilled” that this time the meteoric destruction rained [...]
By Cy Guevara WASHINGTON D.C. – As 2012 draws to a close and another apocalypse is narrowly averted, people’s thoughts once again turn to the possibility of a future. Nationwide, pollsters uncovered the most commonly expressed wishes and desires of the American people for this coming new year. Remarkably, wishes one through nine were similar [...]
-By GOD I know y’all like to get creative interpreting what I meant when I said all that stuff that went in the Bible. Some of you wise-hats still get a kick quoting that whole bloopers reel in Leviticus… Ha. But nights here last an eternity and I’ve had a few cocktails, so I think [...]
By Cy Guevara WASHINGTON — Senators from both sides of the aisle finally joined today over a warm bonfire, making s’mores and telling ghost stories over the antiquated parchments and laws that made up the blaze. To conserve space in government libraries and across bookshelves everywhere, lawmakers collected all the laws they had deemed illegal [...]
By Cy Guevara SOUTH CAROLINA – Polls nationwide confirm that presidential debates have risen in the ranking of several indices to win “No.1 Waste of Time and Money” and “Lamest Show on Earth,” narrowly squeezing out Circus Elephant Droppings for top honors. Polling data also suggests ‘Debates’ may have just beaten out ‘Sarah Palin for [...]
By Cy Guevara WASHINGTON – HASBRO released their Romney-Ryan 2012 action figures and stores can’t keep them on the shelves. Nationwide, shoppers want to buy the remarkably lifelike duo, created by what HASBRO calls “the best minds in robotic science.” The two dolls can wave, walk, and even pretend to write. They’re programmed to repeat [...]
By Cy Guevara WASHINGTON D.C. – Congress has again put aside partisan differences to come together and further damage the US economy. House and Senate vowed to deal with mass unemployment by manufacturing more crises than ever before, marking the first return of US-based manufacturing in decades. Congress is confident this will work, as their [...]
By C. Guevara NATIONWIDE – The escalating controversy over female reproduction that men have been trying hard to resolve has inspired a group of conscientious women to action. Their solution—the Machete Method—is a surprisingly innovative and low-tech solution to contraception that promises “no pill-related side-effects, at little to no cost for the US taxpayer, and [...]
“Here you go, buddy – just take one of these, five times a day, every day, and you should be fine for Arts & Crafts.” By Cy Guevara WASHINGTON – As the number of panic attacks, car accidents, and slow service in drive-thru lanes at fast-food restaurants seems to be driving America to the point of [...]
By Cy Guevara WASHINGTON – For some time, academics have tried to define the elusive elements of ‘trickle-down’ economics, a theory in which those at the top are given such generous discounts that eventually they trickle things down to all the rest. Financial theorists were led to believe that it was ‘wealth’ that trickled down, [...]
By Cy Guevara HOMS, SYRIA – The protests of ‘People Against Dictatorships’ known as the Arab Spring that began on Saturday, December 18, 2010 when a young fruit vendor set himself on fire have yielded fruitful results in all but Syria. Syria got a late start in joining the global revolt, starting their protests this [...]
WASHINGTON — As the presidential race kicks into high gear, nine Republican contenders are now in the field. With so many challengers facing off in one race, scenes of overcrowding and mayhem abound. No stage can hold all of the contenders at once; debates now resemble chumming exercises as candidates fight over red meat issues, [...]
HEAVEN – Hi, this is Jesus. The Washington Fancy has allowed me to say a few words directly to you, Michele Bachmann. I’ve been trying to get through for some time now, but your campaign manager Ed Rollins keeps hanging up on me. Anyways, since you’ve always said how much you really love Dad and [...]
By Cy Guevara PLANET EARTH — This week, Bank of America (BofA) casually moved $75 trillion in derivatives from its “investment banking unit to its depository arm” with the help of the Federal Reserve Board. JP Morgan is about to follow suit, moving $79 trillion from its “unit” to its “arm.” This shift means that the [...]
BATON ROUGE – David Duke, former Grand Wizard of the Ku Klux Klan, has announced his Presidential bid in order to lead this great nation, or at least the white half. Duke took out full-page ads in the “Personals” section of The Happy Klansman and Hater Times, which read: “White Wizard, seeking friendship and presidency, especially [...]
By Cy Guevara FORT MEADE, MD – Justice got off to a warm and thoroughly just start this weekend with the long-awaited trial of political dissenter, Private Bradley Manning. Though none of the documents he leaked were classified as ‘Top Secret,’ the dire consequences of Manning’s revelations caused irreparable harm to fine dictators everywhere, provoking [...]
WASHINGTON—Vermont’s Bernie Sanders, the longest sitting Independent Senator in U.S. history, once again hijacked the microphone on the senate floor this week to filibuster and beg his colleagues to go to Oz. “You have to see the wizard, the wonderful Wizard of Oz!” he pleaded for hours. His plan calls for all sitting legislators to [...]
WASHINGTON – The Project on Government Oversight (POGO) this week released the DoD Inspector General report that details how defense contractors overcharge the Pentagon on spare parts, and shows Boeing overcharging the DoD by 177,000%. The spare parts they refer to are such things as nuts and bolts – priced at $381.78 for a set [...]
NEW YORK – From Athens to Madrid, Rome to London, even in Chile, the global protests of solidarity across the globe on November 17th marked the two-month anniversary of the Occupy Wall Street protests. It was also the day on which Batman broadcast his intent to back the Occupy movement to the world. Shining the bat-signal [...]
WASHINGTON – Herman Cain is recovering at Children’s Hospital tonight after surviving a hi-tech lynching. He was found hanging from a highly technical web of blonde hair until eventually a staffmember cut him down. Sources confirm that his injuries – bruising and chaffing along the neck and poll numbers – were sustained by a rope [...]
WALL STREET — The market responded very favorably today to emerging reports from the World Health Organization (WHO) regarding still another use for the common cellphone. It turns out that they’re not just good for calling or emailing or finding your way or playing games or stalking people or taking pictures of your crotch – [...]
OAKLAND – This week, police from 17 jurisdictions in California descended on the Occupy Oakland protesters and began a riot that left many people injured and one in critical condition. This unruly mob of officers, whose identities were concealed beneath layers of riot gear, gas masks and weapons, set off an arsenal of chemical agents [...]
NEW YORK – The Occupy Wall Street movement is spreading like a wildfire in any state Rick Perry prays for. Despite every attempt by brave NYPD officers to quench the protesters’ desires to assemble peacefully, people in 900 cities across the nation are now revolting en masse, being contained by the use of mace, batons, roadblocks, [...]
NEW YORK –The siege began on Saturday, the 224th anniversary of the signing of the U.S. Constitution. Mobs of Americans began moving in on Wall Street and the legendary Bull that resides there. In addition to other unprintable expletives, authorities say the crowds began taunting the animal mercilessly on its own street with chants of [...]
PLANET EARTH – Besides hurricanes, tornados, tsunamis and earthquakes, the world is now dealing with a flood of biblical proportions. This flood of Truth, long suppressed by tectonic plates of State Secrecy, burst through this past month like warm lava through butter. Wikileaks has now released all of its 251,287 cables documenting 45 years of [...]
SUFFOLK, UK – Notorious ladies’ man and truth-pusher Julian Assange remains on mansion-arrest, stemming from allegations of consensual sex. Reporters are camped outside the Ellingham Hall estate he’s been confined to, hoping to catch a glimpse of what a real journalist looks like. Some female reporters – although a few males as well – have [...]
NEW YORK – Now that Anthony Weiner’s seat has gone to a Republican, the rest of Weiner can finally get on with its life. Ever since that first tweet, which showed an endowed and alert member lashing out against gray daily briefs, American citizens everywhere began secretly desiring one thing: to see that package. No [...]
WASHINGTON – Former Co-President Dick Cheney’s new memoir is causing human heads to explode into messy pulp throughout the U. S. and across the globe. Crime-scene tape surrounds the reading sections at Wal-Mart where Cheney’s memoir, In My Time, is on display. Humans have been cautioned from reading the book in public areas, as cleaning [...]
WASHINGTON – For those who have always wanted to own a politician, the bidding wars have begun. This year’s most-eligible legislators are six Republicans and six Democrats known as the Super Committee – a group able to leap tall institutions in a single bound, who will be tasked with all the decision-making, budget-cutting, laser-vision superpowers [...]
Some felt the quakes were Mother Nature’s attempts at rousing people off the couch and forcing them outside. Others blamed Dominique Strauss-Kahn, as the D.C. quake took place during the press conference which announced that all sexual assault charges against him had been miraculously dropped. Still, others thought that Chris Christie had just experienced a [...]
SAN FRANCISCO – Last Monday, San Francisco revelers were finally allowed to congregate in celebration of the 6th civilian-commuter or homeless person shot by the Bay Area Rapid Transit (BART) Police. Crowds had wanted to honor these brave officers the week before when, citing “modesty,” BART prevented their demonstration of affection from occurring by shutting [...]
LEXINGTON – It was strangely quiet on the streets of Lexington, Massachusetts and throughout the US, as the common people chose not to gather in large numbers to welcome their congressional leaders back to their home states. Most assumed their representantives wouldn’t even make it onto planes for departure after Congress grounded 74,000 aviation and [...]
BOSTON – Philosopher, scientist and scholar Noam Chomsky had to be apprehended and sedated this week after authorities discovered him “going postal.” Witnesses claim Chomsky was standing atop his roof, ripping page after page of his manuscripts and life’s work, setting fire to some. Neighbors soon gathered and tried to talk him off the roof, [...]
AUSTIN, TX – For thousands of years, humanity has pondered the mystery of why the Mayan calendar – accurate for 5,126 years – would end abruptly on December 21, 2012. Another Texas governor has decided to run for the highest public office, and he is more Christian, more cowboy, and more corporate-coddled than George W. [...]
WASHINGTON – At first, it appeared that congressional and state leaders wanted to “turn back the clocks” to somewhere after the Gilded Age, but before the Great Depression; back when the sick and elderly died quietly, the markets enjoyed unbridled experimentation, and labor protections were passé. But as the dust begins to settle on this [...]
WISCONSIN – While the global economy continues melting at a faster rate than the polar ice caps, another faction also seems to be overheating: People. The Arab Spring uprisings appear to have given way to Angry Summer. In a stellar week for protests across the world, The Washington Fancy rates the riots, from “stop [...]
WASHINGTON – The body count is astronomical. Roughly 98% of all Americans are now the “collateral damage” President Obama warned of; the result of a budget crashing down on top of them this week, with more casualties expected in the months and years to come. The only group to escape the wreckage unharmed is the [...]
WASHINGTON – After all the debt debates, a strong bipartisan coalition has finally emerged that claims to receive its instructions from “heaven.” Together, 98% of all Republicans, 89% of all Democrats, and 1 Lieberman have just launched an ad campaign titled “What Would Reagan Cut?” The ad is designed to make people stop and think [...]
ITALY – Christians around the world can finally rest more easily knowing that genocidal xenophobes are protecting them. This is especially true in Italy, where political leaders have just come out in defense of Anders Breivik’s Norway massacre. European Parliament Minister Mario Borghezio, who appropriately sits on the committees for Civil Liberties and Justice, publicly [...]
NEW YORK – Inspired by her heroism last week, action figure manufacturer Hero Builders plans to release a new doll based on Wendi Deng, current wife of media mogul Rupert Murdoch. The Wendi doll will come dressed in an off-white and green bridal gown, but beneath those frilly layers, she’ll be wearing her more traditional, [...]
LOS ANGELES — Conservative men with a recent Viagra prescription finally have a reason to celebrate July 4th. The Undefeated stars former vice-presidential candidate Sarah Palin in her most convincing role yet as a politician. The film, financed and directed by conservative auteur Stephen K. Bannon, borrows its title from John Wayne, who could not be [...]
LONDON – Millions of Rupert Murdoch twitter subscribers were shocked today when they received a tweet of what appeared to be the image of a disfigured, petrified snail from the Murdoch account. Most thought his account had again been hacked by Anonymous or Lulz Security, and assumed at first that teen hackers were responsible for sending [...]
DALLAS – If you’re wondering where truth went, and whether it will ever return, there is both good news and bad news. The good news is that truth has been found, a bit scratched over and sore, but alive. The bad news is that Glenn Beck has trapped it inside, and is refusing to let [...]
NEW HAMPSHIRE – With election campaigns fully underway, the political pledge-drives continue. But the most sacred gift by Republicans —publicly pledging their sweet, sweet lovemaking skills to corporate sponsors — officially began with the Duty Pageant hosted by CNN last month. Across the globe, moguls judged the contestants on how far these hopefuls promised to [...]
NEW YORK – From New York to California, 14 teenagers were arrested on Wednesday after the FBI raided their rooms. The teens, working on behalf of the hacking group “Anonymous,” breached News International servers and were prepared to post emails related to Murdoch’s News Corp when the FBI’s sting operation stopped them just in time. The teenagers claim [...]
SILICON VALLEY – In a tale of sweet revenge and poetic justice, Huma Abedin, disgraced wife of former NY Rep. Anthony Weiner, announced today that she has invented a new application for the iPhone. The app, named “Vibrato,” turns the smart phone into a multi-speed vibrator. Speaking to a standing-room only crowd of politicians’ ex-wives that had gathered at [...]
WASHINGTON — House Speaker John Boehner (R-OH) and Majority Leader Eric Cantor (R-VA) have finally agreed to seek professional help to save their failing marriage after debt talks threaten to push them even further apart. Cantor claims that Boehner cheated on him with President Obama, and was furious that the two had gone out golfing [...]
WASHINGTON – In a sweeping decision made just before adjourning for summer, the U.S. Supreme Court voted 5 to 4 to redefine ‘personhood’ as that which applies to 1% of the population. In the case, titled The People vs. Buy and Large, the Roberts Court opined that all the natural rights man is endowed with, [...]
PLANET EARTH — Prophet Harold Camping was right after all. The Rapture in fact occurred, as he predicted, on May 21, 2011. People everywhere are just now learning they have all been left behind. The only groups delighted at this unexpected turn are tiny robots, several dolphin, and most respectable nihilists. It turns out that [...]
WASHINGTON D.C. — Tourists and statues can now rest easier, as D.C. police have begun cracking hard against white people dancing. On Memorial Day weekend at Thomas Jefferson’s Memorial, brave officers had to take down an entire rhythmically-challenged ‘flash-mob,’ some of whom were trying to sway. Though it’s painful to see white people dance, tourists [...]