By Chris McKerracher BOCA RATON — In an appearance at a Boca Raton women’s club prior to her speech at the Republican National Convention, Ann Romney revealed that her husband has recently been having nightmares. “The one last night was the worst,” confided the presumptive nominee’s biggest supporter. “Mitt dreamt he was visited by three [...]
By Chris McKerracher ALEPPO — Forget wagering on soccer matches and executions; the latest fad in the Arab world is creating office and coffee house pools based on Syrian President Bashar al-Assad’s eventual removal from office. Some of these pools are centered on the date of his departure and some by how his removal will [...]
By Chris McKerracher WASHINGTON — Senate Majority Leader Harry N. Reid has launched an attack on Republican presidential hopeful Mitt Romney, for his failure to release his tax records. By using a sophisticated iPad “app” called “Speculation Generator” (Zynga Games, $0.99 through iTunes) the Democratic stalwart shared the results. “It says here that the Republican candidate for the [...]
By Chris McKerracher WASILLA — One-time vice-presidential nominee Sarah Palin has responded to British media jabs at visiting would-be President Mitt Romney as being “Worse than Sarah Palin”. “I am really ticked,” claimed the former Alaskan governor. “I’ve been developing my image, my public persona for years. Then I turn my back for a second and [...]
By Chris McKerracher NEW YORK — The New York Yankees, due to a clerical error, have signed internationally renowned geneticist and environmental activist, Dr. David Suzuki to a long term contract. The Yankee management had been trying to gain the services of Japanese-born pitcher Ichiro Suzuki from the Seattle Mariners when the paperwork glitch [...]
By Chris McKerracher WASHINGTON — In response to presidential competitor and former Massachusetts governor Mitt Romney’s courage in addressing the openly hostile NAACP membership, President Barack Obama has incredulously lined a “meet-and -greet” campaign stop with the membership of a Texas-based chapter of the Ku Klux Klan. “If the people of America thought my opponent [...]
By Chris McKerracher HEAVEN ON EARTH — In an exclusive interview with The Washington Fancy, God has announced the discovery of “The Human Particle”. The Deity sat in on a recent editorial board meeting at the palatial WF Headquarters in the nation’s capital to discuss his discovery. TWF: Is the discovery of Your so-called “Human [...]
By Chris McKerracher STOCKTON, CA — Immediately after announcing that the thirteen governmental agencies and municipalities that comprise Stockton, California were filing for bankruptcy protection, the financially-threatened area went collecting cast-off beverage containers to cash in for smokes and beer. “It’s a sad sight to see the once-great and glorious Stockton reduced to scrabbling around [...]
By Chris McKerracher WASHINGTON — In a surprise move, President Barack Obama has named Mitt Romney as his running mate for the November election. Romney responded by selecting Obama as his. “The election will still decide who will be the boss,” explained John Kerry’s brother, Harry, an administration insider. “They are just finally admitting that [...]
By Chris McKerracher ATHENS — The producer for the wildly popular television show (by A&E standards) “Storage Wars” is planning a special episode in Greece. Thom Beers, the creator of the program says this special edition would be the most exciting yet, although given the show’s history, that may not be saying much. In an [...]
By Chris McKerracher OTTAWA — The Conservative Party of Canada’s headquarters were buzzing with talk regarding a severed human foot that was sent to their offices yesterday. Hazardous materials teams from the Royal Canadian Mounted Police were called in to investigate the suspicious shipment. Hours later, a human hand was also intercepted, mid-shipment, by the [...]
By Chris McKerracher WASHINGTON — Doctors who performed a colonoscopy procedure on reality TV show host Donald Trump were surprised to find that a sizeable blockage in the patient’s colon was none other than presidential hopeful Mitt Romney. “We knew Mr. Trump exerted considerable influence on Mr. Romney, but we had no idea it was [...]
By Chris McKerracher PHILADELPHIA — When Republican Presidential hopeful Mitt Romney went to campaign in a predominantly black school in East Philadelphia, he was attacked by students and staff alike for his perceived elitism and lack of concern for minorities and the poor. In response to the situation, Romney immediately bought the school, sold off [...]
By Chris McKerracher WASHINGTON — Presidential question mark Mitt Romney expressed outrage yesterday over President Barack Obama suggesting there should be more cooperation between the Republicans and Democrats in the corridors of power across the nation. “That’s just silly,” snorted Romney going on the attack. “We don’t cooperate. We obfuscate, decimate and liquidate, and no [...]
By Chris McKerracher CAIRO — Citing the overpowering, evil influence of American pop culture around the world, the head of the Egyptian Election Board, Abu Sphinxter, gave a press conference today explaining how US President Barack Obama ended up as the most popular candidate in the country’s first real democratic vote in their history. “I’m [...]
by Chris McKerracher Presidential hopeful, Mitt Romney, under fire recently for having a bullying incident from his youth brought to light, is now being inundated with reports of other victims who are coming forward with their tortured memories. “I remember in Kindergarten, Mr. Romney… we called him “Idiot Mitts” back then, used to poke me [...]
By Chris McKerracher WASHINGTON — Barack and Joe are a fairly normal couple in Washington. Being good partners they support one another, care deeply about one another and rarely argue, especially in public. Now, however, as Joe tries to establish his own identity after being subsumed over the last four years by his significant “brother”, [...]
By Chris McKerracher WASHINGTON – The two opposing sides in the coming November presidential election have ramped up the rhetoric regarding who best represents the “fairest gender.” “The President is betraying his Godless heathen, Obamasaurus Rex roots to every dame in the country,” Mitt Romney charged in a recent statement. “Everyone knows God wants the womenfolk [...]
By Chris McKerracher The following is a transcript of a conversation hacked by Wikileaks and put on the Internet because they can. It is between US Secretary of State Hillary Clinton and blind Chinese dissident Chen Guangchen. Chen: Mrs. Clinton! Thank you so much for supporting my efforts of freedom. I am calling to give [...]
By Chris McKerracher MOSCOW — Two long-time rivals are close to coming to terms with trying to maintain peace over the Internet. The United States and Russia are close to signing off on a system to ensure secure communications in the public sector. This measure will prevent hackers from launching acts of intended aggression on [...]
By Chris McKerracher CAPE CANAVERAL, FL — Joe Furly, the grizzled old head mechanic at Joe’s Shuttle Repair looked at the Discovery space vessel before him and shook his head. “As usual, those NASA guys waited way too long before coming to see me,” he said shaking his head. “The plastic sticker on the windshield [...]
By Chris McKerracher WASHINGTON — Specialists were called in yesterday by the Newt Gingrich nomination team to rule whether the presidential hopeful’s primary campaign is still alive or gone the way of the dodo (the bird, not the candidate). “It doesn’t look good,” Dr. Alfred Spin intoned shaking his head sadly. “I hate it when [...]
By Chris McKerracher NEW YORK — In an effort to reach out to younger, cooler voters than those who watch C-SPAN, the President of the United States, was featured a guest on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon. The Commander-in-Chief was featured reading news headlines with a funky backbeat, supplied by the studio band and attempted [...]
By Chris McKerracher CALIFORNIA/ MEXICO BORDER — Juan Carlos Miguel Olafson-Lopez, an illegal Mexican immigrant living in No Fixed Address, California, has declared he is filing the papers to “self-deport” himself back to his country of origin. He will be the first such person to voluntarily embrace Mitt Romney’s plan to deal with the illegal [...]
By Chris McKerracher WASHINGTON — Republican nomination shoe-in Mitt Romney is starting to size up who he may want in the office down the hallway should his presidential aspirations become a reality . “Selecting a running-mate is critical. You have to be careful who you put in a position to take over if you die,” [...]
By Chris McKerracher MEXICO CITY – A highly placed lieutenant in the government of Felipe Calderón is furious over charges that Wal-Mart de Mexico paid over $24 million in bribes to various government officials. Miguel Knute Garcia, a long-time advisor to the Mexican President explained their concerns. “Twenty-four million?” addressed a sputtering Garcia before the crowd [...]
By Chris McKerracher WASHINGTON — “Of course it’s a big honor just to be discussed for the position,” Secretary of State Hillary Clinton said confidentially to an anonymous friend on Monday over lunch, unaware an un-named British media tycoon had authorized hacking into her phone to record the conversation. “Still, I love the work I [...]
By Chris McKerracher LONDON — England’s regal matriarch, Queen Elizabeth II, announced on Saturday that to celebrate her 86th birthday on Saturday, she is” rebooting the whole empire thing.” In her quaint, measured, firm tones, Her Majesty described her plan for world domination. “Look at what we have become as a nation,” she began. “We cannot even [...]
By Chris McKerracher WASHINGTON — Highly placed officials in the Secret Service have forced “early retirement” on operative David Randall Chaney for his gross display of poor judgment. “He was checking out Palin, for crying out loud,” snorted the disgusted SS spokesman. His identity is being kept secret due to threats of water-boarding for non-compliant [...]
By Chris McKerracher AMERICA — With the worldwide celebration of “Four-Twenty”, the cannabis user’s equivalent of Christmas, a number of famous Americans have stepped forward to offer their views on the contentious subject of marijuana decriminalization. Barack Obama, U.S. President : “I personally support the concept (of legalization), but I’m surrounded by stodgy old men that [...]
By Chris McKerracher chrismckerracher@hotmail.com POTALA PALACE, INDIA — Boss Buddhist, Tenzin Gyatso, better known as the 14th Dalai Lama, is forsaking his pacifist teachings and looking to “kick some Chinese butt.” “For too long we have been Beijing’s punching bag,” asserted the 77 year-old spiritual leader. “It’s time we realized going ‘Gandhi’ against these guys works [...]
By Chris McKerracher chrismckerracher@hotmail.com NEW YORK — An acrimonious physical altercation occurred in a washroom at United Nations headquarters Thursday as India, China and Korean scuffled over who had the biggest missile. Apparently, an argument had started when India began bragging to China, who was occupying the next urinal. “Your pitiful pea shooter is nothing [...]
By Chris McKerracher NEW YORK — According to a report contained in the esteemed scientific journal Speculation, the essential difference between people who vote for the more liberal political parties, and those who embrace largely conservative ideals, is that each group was spawned by competing races which seeded the solar system thousands of years ago. Dr. [...]
By Chris McKerracher LANGLEY, VA — CIA officials have requested that they be allowed to begin targeted attacks against threatening forces in the great white north. As verified by emerging CIA intelligence reports, there are both Canadian individuals and groups at work trying to undermine US security. When pressed for details at a hastily assembled news [...]
By Chris McKerracher WASHINGTON — If Barack Obama regains the presidency this November, he will officially be looking for a new Secretary of State. Hillary Clinton has announced she will not seek a seat in the upcoming election in order to pursue her dream of joining the Professional Bowlers Circuit. Clinton admitted, with a slight [...]
By Chris McKerracher WASHINGTON — The United States Supreme Court has finally reached a point where they can legally examine Janet Jackson’s nipple slip to rule on the matter of the FCC vs. CBS and the biggest story to emerge from the 2004 Super Bowl. Reliable sources claim that the Justices take nipple slippages very [...]
By Chris McKerracher AUSTIN — In an ironic twist of fate, part-time Republican candidate Ron Paul has been asked to verify his birth certificate. “It’s not the birth place that the department has concerns with,” assured Elections official Chad Hanger. “There just seems to be some ambiguity with the date of birth.” Official sources had [...]
By Chris McKerracher WASHINGTON — The White House has announced a new “green technology” initiative as part of their strategy to reduce US dependency on foreign oil. Officials from both the Environmental Protection Agency and the Department of Energy were on hand for the announcement. “This new initiative is so simple, I can’t believe it [...]
By Chris McKerracher TWF: Mr. Trump, if you have a moment, I’m with the… Trump: I don’t care who the &%$ you’re with. Get the @!$^ out of my way. TWF: Is it true that you’re contemplating another presidential foray? Trump: Look you, piece of $#!+, if you don’t get out of my way, I’ll [...]
By Chris McKerracher WASHINGTON — Thousands of DC residents who were outside enjoying the sunshine were shocked and disturbed to see two aircraft obviously coupling overhead. “I had to bring my children indoors, they were so upset,” complained Daisy Johnson, horrified mother of four. “It was like being at the zoo when the monkeys go at [...]
By Chris McKerracher WASHINGTON — In order to try and reach out to people beyond his usual demographic, White House Press Secretary Jay Carney has announced President Obama will be driving a car in an upcoming NASCAR event. “The President will be racing in an American-made Chevrolet Aveo to show leadership in the goal of encouraging [...]
By Chris McKerracher PYONGYANG — As yet un-deposed Korean dictator for life, Kim Jong Un has signed a contract to play the role of Cartman in the live action South Park film slated to shoot this summer. Kim was selected from an enormous field who auditioned for the role including Danny Devito, Jon Lovitz and [...]
By Chris McKerracher WASHINGTON — In an exclusive interview, Ann Romney, unemployed wife of her Republican Primary front-runner hubby, Mitt, shared her remembrances of the early days of her marriage. “Mitty insisted I stay at home with the kids instead of going out and getting a job,” Mrs. Romney shared, as a mist touched her [...]
By Chris McKerracher WASHINGTON — To clarify their position on marriage rights for the nation, the White House has laid out a bold, new initiative at a press conference this morning. The ambitious plan involves scrapping the entire institution of marriage, as it is “out of date, out of touch and out of step with [...]