By Chris Todd - @IamChrisTodd WASHINGTON – In the midst of a fiscal crisis in the federal government, one government agency is making things worse. Creating instant controversy, an extensive and costly investigation found that the Farm Service Agency actually spent its taxpayer funds appropriately and in accordance to federal regulations. A representative from the Congressional [...]
Dec 28 2012 | Posted in
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By Chris Todd WASHINGTON – This week marked a pivotal moment in the long-lasting feud between Israel and Palestine when Barack Obama finally took a firm stance against the brutal violence. While on a ride to the beach, the U.S. President finally got fed up with the bickering and told the two to stop or [...]
Dec 2 2012 | Posted in
International |
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By Chris Todd WASHINGTON—President Obama held his first press conference in three months this morning, inviting many of the hardest hitters in the news media. Most analysts speculated that the event would center on important issues such as the conflict in Syria and unemployment. However, the President used this opportunity to take questions on his [...]
Oct 22 2012 | Posted in
Administration |
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By Chris Todd WASHINGTON—As the United States’ economy continues to struggle, the Treasury Department has finally come up with a plan it believes will put the country on the right track to recovery. Timothy Geithner has announced that the U.S. government will be investing most of its assets into Beanie Babies. “The U.S. economy has [...]
Sep 20 2012 | Posted in
Administration |
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By Chris Todd WASHINGTON – With President Obama having spoken out in favor of sending all American students to college, many Americans are concerned with how and if his proposals will affect them. For young voters, there is a growing backlash not only to Obama’s plan, but to jobs in general. “I think, at face value, [...]
Sep 20 2012 | Posted in
Election 2012 |
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By Chris Todd NEW YORK – In a recent public announcement made to all Syrians, President Bashar Assad apologized for the violence in his recent crackdown against political dissidents, claiming he thought the actions were just part of a really cool Xbox game. “I can’t begin to tell you how sorry I am for what [...]
Jul 18 2012 | Posted in
International |
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By Chris Todd @IamChrisTodd LONDON – Last week, all of England celebrated Queen Elizabeth’s 60th anniversary as their queen with a Diamond Jubilee. After the festivities ended, Queen Elizabeth had some downtime to reflect on her 60 years; she came to the conclusion that her reign has been mostly figurative and unproductive. “I have been on [...]
Jun 11 2012 | Posted in
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By Chris Todd @IamChrisTodd WASHINGTON – This past week, there has been much national talk about a Miami man who, under the influence of drugs, attacked a homeless man and ate parts of his face. After hearing the news, Americans began worrying that a zombie outbreak had finally happened. President Obama wasted no time in [...]
Jun 4 2012 | Posted in
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By Chris Todd MONTREAL – On Thursday night, thousands of students marched through the streets of Montreal in protest of rising tuition costs at Canadian universities. The march started as a peaceful event with students singing and reading poetry, yet as the night continued, some protestors turned violent with actions as extreme as frowning and [...]
May 25 2012 | Posted in
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“I couldn’t even control myself. A 50% salary increase made me want to give Mitch McConnell a huge hug. And I think I even let him pinch my bottom, too.” – Harry Reid By Chris Todd WASHINGTON—Democrats and Republicans have been deadlocked recently on many issues ranging from debt limits to healthcare reform. However, just [...]
Mar 12 2012 | Posted in
Congress |
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ARLINGTON – As the new Secretary of Defense, Former CIA director Leon Panetta is wasting no time in announcing some of the changes he will implement at the Pentagon. Panetta has already confirmed that, using his covert experience at the CIA, he plans to turn the Defense Department invisible. “The Pentagon is currently one of [...]
Mar 7 2012 | Posted in
Administration |
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By Chris Todd WASHINGTON — The United States Postal Service announced today that it is planning to close over three thousand post offices. The announcement to downsize any organization is rarely applauded, but Americans are reacting to this news with a very pleasant indifference. Mary Erskine, a New York resident, reacted to the news by [...]
Feb 27 2012 | Posted in
Off The Hill |
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By Chris Todd NEW YORK – A resolution was recently put in front of the United Nations Security Council to officially rebuke the Syrian regime for its violent crackdown on protestors and to promise future sanctions. It was expected to pass easily, since violence against peaceful protestors is typically frowned upon, but Russia teamed up [...]
Feb 9 2012 | Posted in
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By Chris Todd NEW YORK – After months of debate on the floor, the UN General Assembly passed a unanimous resolution to delete Syria’s Twitter account in response to the country’s handling of protestors. Such a measure is predicted to cripple Syrian morale, weaken the legitimacy of Syrian President Bashar Assad, and cause Syria to lose [...]
Feb 6 2012 | Posted in
International |
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By Chris Todd WASHINGTON — Leon Panetta’s proposed 2013 US Department of Defense budget contains billions of dollars in cuts compared to previous years. The deep cuts will focus on reducing the number of soldiers overseas and an increase in unmanned drones. This move by the Defense Department is sure to save the country billions [...]
Feb 1 2012 | Posted in
Administration |
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Ethiopian life has largely continued as usual; no respondents have reported any incidents of credit card fraud, identity theft, or late insurance payments. By Chris Todd ADDIS ABABA, ETHIOPIA – As the financial markets continue to struggle in the United States and Europe tries to work out a deal to save entire countries from going [...]
Jan 30 2012 | Posted in
International |
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“We never really had a capital city… we just used pictures from Latvia and other European countries that no one cares about.” – P.M. Ansip By Chris Todd TALLINN, ESTONIA – Estonian Prime Minister Andrus Ansip made a surprise announcement yesterday morning to the international community. During a televised press briefing, Ansip admitted that Estonia [...]
Jan 18 2012 | Posted in
International |
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DAMASCUS—Social and political unrest in Syria continues to escalate, and casualities rise each day as President Assad cracks down on protestors with violence. As the world watches the situation move closer to a full-blown civil war, it has reacted by condemning Assad’s actions both very quietly and politely. “We will not stand for ANY kind [...]
Jan 17 2012 | Posted in
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By Chris Todd WASHINGTON – Ron Paul recently co-authored a bill that would legalize marijuana in the United States. He announced this bill as part of an overall effort to change his image into somebody who can have fun, be hip, and still take down the Federal Reserve. “Ron Paul was the presidential candidate who [...]
Jan 17 2012 | Posted in
Congress |
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By Chris Todd @ComedyInitials NEW YORK – The United Nations declared the nation of Somalia to be in a state of famine this week. The official announcement came after the percentage of chronically hungry children in the country rose to above 35%. This news came as a relief to the people of Somalia who, up [...]
Dec 22 2011 | Posted in
International |
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ATHENS – After months of research and investigations, Greek Prime Minister George Papandreou released findings indicating that Greece’s economic problems can be blamed entirely on the gods. “Our banks are failing and government intervention has not produced any results,” said Papandreou, “and it is the direct result of the poor governing by the mythological gods [...]
Dec 13 2011 | Posted in
International |
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ARLINGTON (VA) – As the presidential race heats up between GOP candidates, US citizens find themselves caught in the middle of political jockeying, hostile TV debates, and getting stuck at the dinner table pretending to know Newt Gingrich’s stance on government regulation. “Brenda throws really great dinner parties but is constantly bringing up politics,” said [...]
Dec 9 2011 | Posted in
Election 2012 |
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PARIS – While the Eurozone has seen many hardships over the past couple of years, most outside observers believed it would get past them and return to prosperity. However, after 18 years of a generally happy relationship, the European Union has announced it is planning to break up. Nicolas Sarkozy commented that “we had some [...]
Nov 18 2011 | Posted in
International |
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SCRANTON—Former judge Mark Ciavarella Jr. was sentenced to 28 years in jail today after being convicted of accepting bribes to put juveniles behind bars. Now that he is going to jail, he will be looking for different ways to profit, which include selling kids to other inmates in exchange for cigarettes. “I’m a business man [...]
Nov 17 2011 | Posted in
Off The Hill |
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WASHINGTON—Although Mitt Romney trails some of his fellow running mates in the early polls for the 2012 presidential election, he has raised millions more than they have in his fundraising efforts, proving to his donors that he is not above wasting their money to lose in style. “Romney has raised a significant amount of money [...]
Nov 7 2011 | Posted in
Election 2012 |
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WASHINGTON – News recently surfaced that the US was able to stop a terrorist plot aimed at assassinating the Saudi Arabian ambassador on American soil. If a potential terrorist attack were not shocking enough, the evidence points to the attack being orchestrated by the Iranian government. The American reaction to the news has been varied, [...]
Oct 13 2011 | Posted in
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WASHINGTON – Blogs and other internet forums erupted last week when an audit of the Department of Justice revealed that muffins provided for a morning conference cost the government $16 each. The DoJ immediately refuted the findings to quell any outrage over the apparent overspending. Further research into the books showed that it was a [...]
Sep 29 2011 | Posted in
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WASHINGTON – Despite an ailing economy, partisan politics, and numerous natural disasters, Americans seem to be happy. During an NFL lockout which lasted several months, Americans were forced to pay attention to very upsetting politics. However, with the return of the NFL, Americans have an excuse to be happy again and ignore their problems. “Just [...]
Sep 24 2011 | Posted in
Congress |
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WASHINGTON – President Obama has announced that, in coordination with the Treasury Department and Timothy Geithner, the United States has found a way to cover all liabilities for at least a week past the current debt-ceiling deadline. After weeks of searching for a solution to the debt crisis, Geithner placed his hand in his suit [...]
Sep 22 2011 | Posted in
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NEW YORK – This week, The Washington Fancy released the results of a 5-year study on the behavior of politicians. The study, which delved deeply into the habits and voting behaviors of members of Congress, attempted to evaluate their effectiveness in solving the complex issues of the United States. As per the conclusion of the [...]
Sep 15 2011 | Posted in
Congress |
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TRIPOLI – Libyan rebels took control of the capital city and Gaddafi-stronghold Tripoli this week, marking the beginning of the end of their violent struggle for freedom. After assuming authority in the capital, the rebels made it their mission to find their most hated and vilified enemy Gaddafi. It is being reported that the rebels [...]
Aug 31 2011 | Posted in
International |
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WASHINGTON – The news that Warren Buffett’s investment group Berkshire Hathaway agreed to invest $5 billion in Bank of America sent cheers through the financial sector on Thursday. However, while Bank of America got a much-needed boost of morale, the United States of America remains depressed. “It’s really nice that Warren Buffet could help out [...]
Aug 27 2011 | Posted in
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NEW YORK – The economy of the United States is still on shaky ground, and many stocks on the market are reflecting the dire situation with losses. However, one company’s stock which was previously thought to be recession-proof is boggling market analysts. Sara Lee’s stock value has been declining all week in response to news [...]
Aug 18 2011 | Posted in
Off The Hill |
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HOUSTON — Governor and potential Republican presidential candidate Rick Perry recently sponsored a prayer rally in Texas to pray for a crippled US economy and its leaders. The festivities were well-received and drew a crowd of over 30,000 people. The event went off without a hitch, with the exception of the concession stand running short [...]
Aug 9 2011 | Posted in
Election 2012 |
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WASHINGTON — As the country experiences triple-digit temperatures this past week, Harry Reid is leading other representatives in a proposition for a clothing optional debt debate on Capitol Hill. “The heat both outside and inside is unbearable. It’s a distraction to the real issues being discussed on the floor,” said Senate Majority Leader Reid. “In [...]
Jul 29 2011 | Posted in
Congress |
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OSLO – After tragedy struck in Norway this weekend when with targeted explosions and a lethal shooting spree, satirists the world over have decided that the horrible episode is too heavy to attack, and have chosen instead to keep things light by making fun of Michele Bachmann’s political gaffes and adorable kittens. “Satirists pride themselves on [...]
Jul 28 2011 | Posted in
Off The Hill |
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LOS ANGELES – This last weekend marked the opening for the new Sarah Palin documentary The Undefeated in a number of major US cities. The reactions to the film so far have been mostly negative, and indeed even tragic, as one projector, who was forced to play the film for a midnight showing, killed himself. [...]
Jul 22 2011 | Posted in
Election 2012 |
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JUBA — After a long and violent history, South Sudan has peacefully and officially separated from Sudan as its own independent nation. After the announcement, the capital city of Juba was filled with celebration, including cheers in the streets, dancing and singing, and the vivid imagination of having basic resources needed to survive like food. [...]
Jul 15 2011 | Posted in
International |
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LISBON – The European Union’s economy took another hit this week when Moody’s Analytics downgraded Portugal’s debt ratings to ‘junk’ status. In accordance with global regulations, Portugal’s junk status means that the EU will be forced to keep the country in its garage. When Moody’s, a credit rating and international research agency, first got involved [...]
Jul 13 2011 | Posted in
International |
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WASHINGTON – Top officials at the Republican National Commission have announced that Timmy Anderson of Virginia embodies every characteristic of a Republican presidential candidate for 2012, with the exception of his age, as he is only 9 years old. The GOP is confident that Timmy’s political views are impressive enough to transcend his age. “Timmy’s [...]
Jul 7 2011 | Posted in
Election 2012 |
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PARIS – On Friday, France’s Defense Ministry admitted to arming Libyan rebels to help in their attacks against Gaddafi and his regime. Upon delivering assault rifles, handguns, and ammunition to the rebels, French officials took one look at the newly furnished army and surrendered. “The rebellion needed our help to topple a corrupt regime. We [...]
TRIPOLI – In a public declaration to NATO and the United Nations, Muammar Gaddafi stated that he is very disappointed in the number of people who showed up to his monthly game night last Friday. What was supposed to be a wild night ending at “question mark” turned into a quick game of chess with [...]
Jun 24 2011 | Posted in
International |
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KABUL – Afghan President Hamid Karzai is taking a hard stance on NATO-led strikes within his country. In a global declaration, Karzai has asked that NATO discontinue all strikes against homes with air conditioning. He has made it clear that strikes within Afghanistan can continue as long as his people have somewhere to stay cool. [...]
Jun 23 2011 | Posted in
International |
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DES MOINES – As the GOP prepares for Iowa’s straw poll, there will be one prominent candidate absent. The recently declared presidential candidate Jon Huntsman will not participate in the poll in protest of ethanol subsidies. In addition to Iowa, Huntsman has decided to not campaign in several other states that he does not like. [...]
Jun 23 2011 | Posted in
Election 2012 |
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