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Stories written by DTimothy

Obama Plans “Drone Flyover” for Inaugural Festivities

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By Douglas Timothy WASHINGTON — Many of President Obama’s supporters are upset that the Presidential Inaugural Committee will be accepting corporate donations for the 2013 inaugural festivities, and have accused the Commander-in-Chief of throwing away his principles. Now, rest assured, their grievances will be heard on January 21, because President Obama has personally requested a [...]

Senator Reid to be Granted ‘Honorary Birther’ Status by Trump

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By Douglas Timothy ATLANTIC CITY, NJ — Reuters is reporting that Donald Trump will present Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid with “The Birther Award” at the Taj Mahal Hotel and Casino this Friday. Speaking on behalf of a coalition of birthers that have gathered for the past three years, the business titan will pin a [...]

‘The Big Lewinsky,’ Rielle Hunter Reality Shows Enrage Democrats

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By Douglas Timothy Sex sells. Just ask Rielle Hunter and Monica Lewinsky, whose reality shows are set to launch in time for the fall election. The CW Television Network now confirms that On the Hunt and The Big Lewinsky will start airing weekly this fall, and will ultimately serve as the lead-ins to Arrow. (Who knew comic book fans could [...]

Feds Attack Amateur Porn, Leave “Mature” and “College Co-ed” Films Unharmed

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By Douglas Timothy WASHINGTON — With $17 trillion in debt and counting, the federal government is in a pinch. Fittingly, those with successful amateur “pinch fetish” films might not know it, but Congressional oversight of their site clicks is one of the more secretive priorities of the Obama administration. Users of YouTube-inspired pornography websites, which [...]

Elizabeth Warren: “I Was a Beastie Boy”

MC Warren on the Mike

By Douglas Timothy BOSTON — Elizabeth Warren’s Senate campaign hit a serious snag over the past week with revelations that her Native American roots consist of a great-great-great-grandmother who was Cherokee. What would normally be considered a forgivable gaffe was compounded when it turned out that her 1/32 Cherokee status may have played a role in [...]

Ted Nugent, Kid Rock, Tupac Hologram Side with Romney over Obama

Tupac against Obama?

By Douglas Timothy LOS ANGELES — Rocker and conservative gun rights activist Ted Nugent is locked and loaded to meet with the Secret Service after telling a NRA-friendly crowd that he would “either be dead or in jail by this time next year” if President Barack Obama was reelected. After referencing the movie Braveheart, Nugent [...]

Geraldo: “Hoodie got Trayvon Martin into trouble, bras are just as dangerous for women”

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By Douglas Timothy NEW YORK — Fox News Channel broadcaster Geraldo Rivera has found himself caught up in controversy after commenting on the death of Trayvon Martin, the teenager who died during an altercation with neighborhood watch member Andrew Zimmerman in Sanford, Florida. Speaking about the shooting on Fox and Friends, Geraldo placed much of the [...]

Act of Valor Sequel Planned: Matt Damon to Star Opposite Real Terrorists

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By Douglas Timothy HOLLYWOOD — Act of Valor, the Pentagon-approved war movie featuring active duty Navy SEALs, has made over $56 million at the box office since its opening. Given that the budget was only $12 million , it was only a matter of time before a sequel was scheduled. The Hollywood Reporter is confirming that Universal [...]

NATO Apologizes for Koran Burning, Tells Afghans to Resume Oppressing Women and Minorities

Rioting for justice

By Douglas Timothy BAGRAM — Riots broke out at Bagram Air Base yesterday after Afghan civilians witnessed NATO personnel burning copies of the Koran and other sacred documents. Thousands of Afghans threw rocks, fired rifles into the air, and chanted “Death to America” after the incident. Although the book burning was blamed on a “mix-up”, [...]

Gingrich Cites Love for Whitney Houston in African-American Outreach Efforts

Whitney's timeless smile

By Douglas Timothy PRINCE GEORGE’S COUNTY, MD — The world is still mourning the loss of singer Whitney Houston today, after the former superstar with a voice of gold passed away in her hotel room this past weekend. With a string of hit singles, tens of millions of records sold, and fans all over the [...]

PETA Calls for Animal Abortion Rights; Planned Parenthood Reaches Out to New Species

Should all mammals be permitted to have abortions?

By Douglas Timothy ORLANDO — Last week a federal judge threw out PETA’s charges that captive whales in SeaWorld water parks should be granted 13th Amendment rights spelled out in the Constitution. The notion that the trained orcas are slaves didn’t pass muster with the court, and was dismissed amid heavy media attention. Some might [...]

Obama Offers Catholics Compromise: Plan B Rosary Beads

Obama preaches the Gospel

By Douglas Timothy WASHINGTON — President Obama’s health care mandate, which dictates that religious-affiliated organizations provide contraceptives to female employees, has touched a new nerve (or soul?). Catholic priests, nuns, Speaker John Boehner, and even prominent Senate Democrats like John Kerry have called on the president to backtrack – and he has. In a marathon [...]

Ron Paul Favors National “Green Standard,” Pot Smokers Celebrate

Paul's fighting fervor for marijuana

By Douglas Timothy WASHINGTON — As part of Ron Paul’s “long ball” approach to the GOP nomination, his campaign has consistently kept its base motivated. With time running out to secure the GOP’s 2012 presidential nod, Paul kicked off the month of February with a barnburner of a speech that left his most ardent fans [...]

Romney Under Fire for Back-to-Back Verbal Gaffes

Romney backtracks in the Sunshine State

By Douglas Timothy FLORIDA — Mitt Romney was in full damage control yesterday after a verbal slip up regarding America’s poor. In a CNN interview, the frontrunner for the GOP nomination said he wasn’t “concerned about the very poor.” Rivals sought to pounce on the miscue, splicing together Bane Capital footage with the insensitive sound [...]

Gingrich Robocall: Mitt Romney Eats Holocaust Survivors

Romney's bizzare diet

By Douglas Timothy TAMPA — In the final hours of the Florida Republican primary, Newt Gingrich was taken to task by the Romney campaign for an incendiary robocall. In it, the Gingrich campaign accused Romney of once vetoing a bill that, in effect, denied kosher meals to Holocaust victims. While the pundits spent most of [...]

Gingrich: American Moon Base Meant for Illegal Immigrants

Romney and Gingrich on the final frontier

By Douglas Timothy TAMPA — The sparring match between Newt Gingrich and Mitt Romney over the immigration debate has been intense, but the tit-for-tat between the two GOP contenders over the future of NASA has been just as fierce. In the recent CNN Florida debate, Romney blasted Gingrich for pandering to local crowds with space [...]

Romney to Florida Voters: “I Slept with Ronald Reagan”

Romney confesses a deep secret

By Douglas Timothy FLORIDA — Mitt Romney attempted to up the ante in the battle to prove just who is the most conservative among the four remaining nominees. In the final hours of campaigning across Florida, the former Massachusetts governor shocked the room by announcing, “I slept with Ronald Reagan.” After a few moments of [...]

Log Cabin Republicans Coin Phrase: “The Newt Chute”

Newt Gingrich embraces Gay America

By Douglas Timothy WASHINGTON — It’s been one sexual maelstrom after another for GOP front runner Newt Gingrich. His ex-wife accused him of wanting an “open marriage,” and Nancy Pelosi keeps promising television audiences that she “knows something” that would prevent him from ever becoming president.And, although Gingrich found nothing oddly sexual in his request [...]

“The Future Is Now:” Gingrich Would Turn Nuclear Waste Dump into Homeless Shelter

Tunneling inside Yucca Mountain

By Douglas Timothy NEAR LAS VEGAS — Former Speaker of the House and Republican presidential candidate Newt Gingrich expressed his support today for turning Yucca Mountain, a repository for toxic nuclear waste, into a repository for the nation’s homeless population. The Yucca Mountain Nuclear Waste Repository has been a contentious issue for years, pitting Republicans [...]

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