By Constable Perkins WASHINGTON — As the race against Mitt Romney solidifies, President Barack Obama is rolling out an ambitious plan to reclaim many of the so-called Reagan Democrats that were influential to his success in 2008 and that will be a key target of his opponent’s efforts this fall. According to campaign advisors, Obama [...]
By Constable Perkins HOLLYWOOD — In a bizarre continuation of a story line that graced the silver screen and courtrooms across Silicon Valley, Cameron and Tyler Winklevoss—known to millions as the “Winklevii”—have come out in support of the re-election of President Barack Obama. Apparently, the impetus for this endorsement is the President’s now infamous statement [...]
By Constable Perkins NEW YORK — Goldman Sachs CEO Lloyd Blankfein attracted notice Monday when the Human Rights Campaign posted a 30-second video on the web that features his endorsement of same-sex marriage. While many on Wall Street applauded Blankfein’s decision to appear in the popular videos, some on Capitol Hill are less enthusiastic. In [...]
By Constable Perkins WASHINGTON — In the 2013 Defense Department $480 million budget unveiled by Secretary Leon Panetta, one of the most critical and potentially controversial changes to Pentagon operations will be the institution of a new program called B.Y.O.G, or “Bring Your Own Guns” to war. Panetta’s budget paints a picture of a military centered around [...]
By Constable Perkins WASHINGTON — President Obama’s insistence that those making over $250,000 shoulder an increased share of the tax burden as a means of reducing the federal deficit has drawn harsh criticism from America’s wealthy elite. While some are content just calling their Congressman as the President asked them to do, others are looking [...]
By Constable Perkins LOS ANGELES — U.S. Secretary of Education Arne Duncan is visiting schools across the country to advocate for education reforms backed by President Obama. This Tuesday, instead of the message, it was Duncan himself who dominated discussion amongst Malibu housewives as they dropped off their youngsters at Westinghouse Elementary. “He stepped his strong [...]
By Constable Perkins SPRINGFIELD, IL — In a drastic move to solve Illinois’ budget crisis, Governor Pat Quinn announced his plan to sell a kidney on Craigslist next month. “People across this state, particularly from disadvantaged backgrounds, are already being asked to make huge sacrifices to help us solve this budget crisis. When I took the [...]
By Constable Perkins WASHINGTON—Responding to claims that the United States must “cure its addiction to debt”, President Barack Obama took drastic measures yesterday and staged an intervention for House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi. According to Obama, Pelosi will be provided a 30-day, all-expenses-paid treatment plan at a clinic outside of Scottsdale, Arizona run by Dr. [...]
ROME – As global uncertainty about a double-dip recession and worries about the American credit rating sent investors flocking toward gold, large institutional holders of the precious metal looked to take advantage of favorable prices and cash in. And there is no investor more excited to do so than the Vatican. Just in time for [...]
By Constable Perkins WASHINGTON – As Senator Dick Durbin (R-IL) took to the floor on Sunday to counter the arguments of Senator John McCain, he remarked, “It is almost a debate in the United States Senate, and that rarely happens.” As infrequent as such an event may be, it is nonetheless a boom for C-SPAN’s [...]
By Constable Perkins HEAVEN — The man who once took on the powers of the Almighty in the tome entitled God is not Great has been extradited and now faces over 400 million counts of charges of blaspheme in the Highest of High Courts. The unwavingly acerbic yet newly dead Christopher Hitchens appeared before Judge St. [...]
WASHINGTON — Following his uncontrollable sobbing causing the breaking up of a February 2009 meeting on health care reform legislation, Vice President Joe Biden has come to an agreement with President Barack Obama: During the colder winter months, the Vice President will be sent on diplomatic missions throughout the Pacific Rim, the Caribbean, and Central [...]
INDIANAPOLIS, IN—Two days after his Indianapolis Colts lost 27-19 to the equally beleaguered Carolina Panthers, dropping their record to 0-11, Peyton Manning announced his intention to retire at the end of this season. Tossing his horseshoed helmet into the ring of the upcoming 2012 race, Manning has made clear his intention to win the gubernatorial [...]
NEW YORK—Thanksgiving becoming overly politicized is the biggest fear of the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade organizers, as word is spreading of the Occupy Wall Street protesters’ plan to disrupt the traditional holiday parade by marching along the parade route with a giant inflatable dollar bill. “The world’s inflated debt balloon keeps expanding, so at the [...]
ST. PAUL—With former Minnesota Governor Tim Pawlenty has bowed out of the 2012 presidential race, children living in African refugee camps will soon be able to add the former governor to their list of great American heroes. Pawlenty has promised to deliver several thousand pieces of his campaign and weekend-casual clothing to impoverished nations. “l [...]
CHICAGO—The Obama Campaign announced today that it has signed free agent singer and songwriter Bruce Springsteen to serve as official songwriter for the Obama 2012 re-election campaign. Springsteen, the 61-year old native of Freehold, New Jersey, was inaugurated into the Obama camp at the Chicago headquarters last week, having signed his name on a $4 [...]
NEWTON, IOWA—Looking to make waves in the Iowa polls, presidential candidate Michele Bachmann introduced a plan to ban any adult-themed bookstores from locating within 5,000 feet of any federally funded road. In light of the allegations brought against Republican contender Herman Cain, Bachmann has redoubled her efforts to protect American children from shameful, degrading, non-Christian [...]
WASHINGTON—President Obama made a surprise stop at a New York City recording studio this past Tuesday as he joined the several aging rock stars and B-list celebrities gathered for a remake of the “Voices that Care” video that was first released in 1991 at the conclusion of the First Gulf War. “Ever since we lost [...]
WASHINGTON – After three years of leading the free world through numerous crises and acquiring a disturbing amount of gray hair, President Obama has decided to partner with hair coloring giant Just for Men to reinvent himself with new “hope” and a youthful “change.” The White House confirmed that the President will appear in several [...]
NEW YORK — An economy already fretting about recovery took another hit early this morning as another 42,000 Americans joined the rank of the unemployed as they finished the bar exam. Early data is showing New York, Illinois, and the D.C. area with by far the greatest surpluses of unemployed entry-level lawyers. The bad news [...]
When industry leaders meet with leading politicians, it is not uncommon for mutually beneficial friendships to blossom. Still, President Obama couldn’t have foreseen that his decision to cut back on government expenditures would ruin his friendship with Steve Jobs, and that the cuts would lead Jobs to renounce Obama and sabotage the president’s 2012 campaign. [...]
WASHINGTON – In a rare moment of bipartisan unity, the House of Representatives voted 434-1 today to censure Illinois Democrat Jan Schakowsky for allegedly cheating while playing ‘Words with Friends’ on her iPhone. The censure vote came after a House Ethics Committee investigation that declared Schakowksy’s actions did not reflect creditably on the House. Adam Kinzinger [...]
!["I thought they [the inflatables] would be a surprise for him! He loves butterflies, he just won't admit it to the American people!" - Michelle Obama](http://thewashingtonfancy.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/09/ent-wh-halloween-90x65.jpg "Halloween Inflatables")
WASHINGTON — In an apparent sign that the stress of running the country is causing strife among the First Couple, President Barack Obama refused to sign an Executive Order which would grant First Lady Michelle Obama’s wish to place inflatable Halloween decorations on the White House lawn. “I told Michelle that I did not want [...]
WASHINGTON- With Hurricane Irene barreling towards the Carolinas and D.C. in a daze after Tuesday’s magnitude 5.9 earthquake, presidential hopeful Rick Perry brought his message of redemption to a rapturous crowd of over 40,000 people from the D.C. metro area on Tuesday night. Although Perry claimed the event was apolitical, the tone of his comments [...]
WASHINGTON — A pro-Gaddafi Islamist group calling itself Rasha’an Salaam claimed responsibility for the magnitude 5.9 earthquake that rumbled through the D.C. area on Tuesday. In a statement released by Admir Al Akbar, the leader of the previously unknown terror group, Rasha’an Salaam urged America to withdraw from Libya, even as rebels closed in on [...]
TORONTO — Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper has asked presidential candidate Tim Pawlenty to refrain from any future references to hockey in his quest to gain the 2012 Republican nomination. “We would prefer that our national game not be associated with the political mess in America. Leave our game out of your problems,” said Harper. [...]
WASILLA — Sarah Palin officially announced her candidacy for President on Friday morning when she mistook a weather map showing red states with unbearably high temperatures for a map of Republican states. “A fever for America is sweeping the nation and I want to announce that I am running for President,” Palin stated in her [...]
WASHINGTON — With the inmates locked up behind him, D.C. Mayor Vincent Gray announced today the arrests of Mark Warner, Dick Durbin, Kent Conrad, Saxby Chambliss, Mike Crapo, and Tom Coburn for violating D.C.’s gang ordinance. “Guns, money, taxes, international acts of violence: these men here are part of a gang conspiracy that resides right [...]
WASHINGTON – In a move designed to increase government revenues in the shadow of a looming debt crisis, President Obama announced that the Department of Justice would start to enforce the 235 year-old copyright on the Declaration of Independence. The auspiciously timed move comes as many Americans are gearing up for today’s 4th of July [...]