By: Theodore Lost 7:48 AM – Reports out of Silver Spring, Maryland, just seven miles north of Washington D.C., indicate that two leading athletes used performance-enhancing substances during the filming of Puppy Bowl IX. Puppy Bowl, which was played on Sunday, is officially over but it seems that the production unit has been spending three and [...]
By Garrett Baldwin Following the public speculation that Vogue magazine editor Anna Wintour could become the U.S. ambassador to France, the European nation has officially and preemptively declared war on the United States. “I can’t believe that President Obama would consider sending Anna Wintour to our nation,” said French President François Gérard Georges Nicolas Hollande . [...]
NEW YORK — The Dow Jones Industrial Average rose 240 points yesterday on reports that Vice President Joe Biden had accidentally locked himself in a closet for six hours while retrieving a tennis racket. In an otherwise slow news day, investors’ returns spiked when it was revealed that Biden could not be located, and that there [...]
By: Garrett Baldwin HOFSTRA UNIVERSITY — Former President George W. Bush made a brief appearance at the Second Presidential Debate on Tuesday, throwing out the first pitch and striking a debate questioner in the face with a fastball. “Nailed it!” said Bush as he pumped his fist in delight. But, quickly realizing that he celebrated [...]
By Garrett Baldwin RALEIGH — The North Carolina State Legislature passed a law on Tuesday that bars corporations from marrying other corporations, citing the umbrella law passed last year that barred homosexual marriage in the state as justification. The Supreme Court Citizens United decision in 201- ruled that “corporations are people” and have the same [...]
By Garrett Baldwin The toxic talk spewing from political punditry these days has reached dark, distant depths. Today’s putrid political dialogue has even surpassed our last round of vile, degenerate, vulgar discourtesies. It was only last fall that commentators were calling anyone who disagreed with their ideologies “racist” because those individuals simply held competing principles [...]
By: Garrett Baldwin Esteemed Harvard professor of Middle Age History, Boromir, has spoken out against Harvard Law School for its decision to teach law students how to “understand” President Obama. According to Harvard Law School’s course catalog, the new course will provide a collection of readings and meetings to understand “the way in which race, [...]
By Garrett Baldwin LONDON — Speaker of the House John Boehner is recovering after sustaining injuries at Heathrow International Airport after British Customs agents thought he was an illegal produce import that had mutated on the plane and taken on human characteristics. “Holy [expletive]!” screamed Nigel Austin, 23, upon seeing Boehner in the Customs line. [...]
By Garrett Baldwin WASHINGTON — This Wednesday’s Republican Debate has been cancelled, the Republican National Committee announced yesterday. The event has been replaced with a spelling and geography contest to test the candidates’ basic understanding of the world and the English language. “We should have done this months ago,” said Republican National Committee member Hugh [...]
By Garrett Baldwin BIRMINGHAM — A controversial new law has passed the Alabama legislature that will force all citizens to carry guns into work environments that the state government considers “dangerous.” “David’s Law” would require that all citizens purchase, secure, and train with a gun in order to reduce workplace violence. The proposed law is [...]
WASHINGTON- Former Speaker of the House and current Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi did not report to work on Friday, citing personal reasons. Sources close to the former speaker said she called in sick after recently discovering that her rating on HotorNot.com had fallen by a full point and a half overnight. It was a stunning development, [...]
By: Garrett Baldwin Target Corporation’s renegade gamble on introducing children to partisan politics has officially tanked. Target reported on Tuesday that sales of its limited edition “Little Debbie Democrat” Cabbage Patch doll only sold 14 of the 5,000 manufactured this past holiday shopping season. The talking doll, which features ten partisan attacks against Republicans and [...]
By Garrett Baldwin NEW YORK — A shocking development in TV news commentary surfaced today as MSNBC traded Ed Schultz to the Food Network for an intern to be named later. Terms and conditions will be finalized by the weekend, and Schultz is expected to report to FN headquarters in New York City by midnight. The [...]
By Garrett Baldwin WASHINGTON — Congressman Dennis Kucinich was released from the nurse’s office on Friday after his mother picked him up from Congress. Kucinich got into the backseat of her Toyota Camry with a cut knee and an elbow bruise after a bully took his lunch money in the Congressional cafeteria. “He’s had a [...]
By Garrett Baldwin WASHINGTON—In an effort to stem rising unemployment figures, President Barack Obama has given his teleprompter the boot and will hire cue card holders for all planned speeches in the near future. “This is a perfect opportunity for people with outstanding handwriting and the ability to stand idle for long periods of time,” [...]
By Garrett Baldwin OAK BROOK, IL—Kentucky Senator Rand Paul broke his silence in a tell-all autobiography admitting once and for all that he is the spokesman for McDonald’s restaurant – the famous clown Ronald McDonald. Paul released a tragic personal statement in the introduction of his book, Sad-Faced Clown: My Story. Wrote Paul: “This closes [...]
By Theodore Lost WASHINGTON—The U.S. Justice Department is looking into a complaint filed by Amnesty International after a suspected al-Qaeda operative killed himself while being detained on suspicion of money laundering. Abdul Hassiz-Shariff cut his wrists on a table edge after CIA operatives allegedly forced him to listen to two straight hours of the song “Tik [...]
WASHINGTON — Police arrested a Bethesda man today in the killing of his grandmother for inheritance money. Police charged David Squabblemirer, a 34-year-old truck driver, in the murder of his 78-year-old grandmother and the falsification of crime scene evidence. Squabblemirer had attempted to frame Congressman Paul Ryan of Wisconsin by leaving behind a bottle of [...]
WASHINGTON — Retiring Congressman Barney Frank and near-ousted Republican presidential candidate Herman Cain announced plans to go into business together on a new election-themed venture today. The business is slated to be a pizza parlor that centers around their unusual backgrounds of constantly being minorities. Cain and Frank will open ‘Minority Slice’ across 15 markets, [...]
WASHINGTON—In light of recent allegations against him and the subsequent “assessment” of his campaign, Republican Presidential Candidate Herman Cain has promised to balance the U.S. Federal Budget in 30 minutes or less, or else everyone in America gets a free order of cheese sticks. This was according to a statement made last night by Cain [...]
WASHINGTON—Umpires canceled a Congressional softball game yesterday after Barney Frank threw a temper tantrum and stole two bats and an ESPN Magazine that had been used as second base. The massive fit started when the team captains declined to pick Frank for their teams. After a young intern in a wheelchair was selected as catcher [...]
NEW YORK—Publisher HarperCollins has reached a deal with an insider involved in the “Weinergate” scandal to write an unauthorized biography of former New York Congressman Anthony Weiner. Tentatively titled Cockshots and Leprechauns, the unnamed author aims to celebrate the fact that “good things do, in fact, come in small packages.” “Cockshots and Leprechauns is a [...]
FAIRFAX, VA—Newt Gingrich spoke for 45 minutes on Wednesday night at George Mason University about the future of the American economy, the social degradation of America, and how he was looking forward to meeting his fourth wife out on the campaign trail this fall. Gingrich, who is already on his third marriage, said that he [...]
WASHINGTON — The Republican field just grew one candidate slimmer after Barack Obama dropped out of the race and decided not to seek the Republican nomination for 2012. “This is a huge blow,” said Republican operative Karl Rove. “We needed a candidate with a strong history of bombing the s*** out of foreign countries… Now, [...]
WASHINGTON – President Obama announced a new round of stimulus on Wednesday morning aimed at employing boxcar hobos and cashing in on society’s reluctance to engage in adult conversation when it comes to bad news. Speaking at the U.S. Department of Commerce headquarters, The President said that his administration, with the leadership of Commerce Secretary [...]
WASHINGTON – It appears that page 1,425 of the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act, otherwise known as the “Obamacare” Bill, features a little financial gambit known as the “U.S. Federal Revenue Transaction Multiplier.” This “Transaction Multiplier” is a new tax that will raise all other taxes by 11% starting in 2013. “This is actually [...]
Dr. Emmitt L. Brown killed Libyan dictator Muammar Gaddafi on Tuesday in response to a botched 1985 assassination attempt on the doctor in a Hill Valley, California parking lot. “This closes a long, dark chapter of my life,” said Brown before administering the final deathblow with the metal fist on the end of Old Biff’s [...]
KANSAS- The new logo released by members of the Romney campaign on Friday has stirred a great deal of controversy. The image, featuring Romney’s face superimposed on a conventional oven mitt, has irritated feminists, Independents, and mascots related to hand or glove wear. “This image is extremely insensitive to hotel maids, airline stewardesses, and secretaries, [...]
WASHINGTON — On Tuesday, the House of Representatives made a series of cuts to lavish spending on Congressional benefits: first up, intramural sports among the office staffs. The House saved $136,600 by eliminating uniforms, rubber balls and other equipment needed for the Hill’s highly competitive intramural sports leagues, which include softball, flag football, and floor [...]
SAGINAW, MI — A senior center in Michigan was shut down for six hours after confused and bewildered senior citizens turned the room upside down over the President’s proposed Warren Buffett tax on the richest Americans. Unfortunately, Sue Clifton, 92, had lost her glasses and read a headline on Foxnews.com about the proposed tax hike. [...]
NASHVILLE INT’L AIRPORT — A Wyoming man walked through a TSA checkpoint with a raging erection on Thursday, daring TSA officers and even fellow passengers to give him an invasive pat down. “I’m next,” Warren Kelvin, 34, screamed as he pushed to the front of the security line. According to TSA officials, Kelvin had ingested [...]
WASHINGTON — In an effort to stave off bad press about the snitch alert website called Attack Watch, President Obama’s strategists have launched a new site designed to report the (very limited) number of compliments that have been following the President since his jobs speech tanked last Thursday. Obama for America launched a new site in [...]
WASHINGTON – United States Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner is undergoing a psychological evaluation after he was discovered staring aimlessly at his Facebook profile on Sunday. Geithner was removed from his New York apartment after it was revealed that he received a one-line taunt on his Facebook wall from none other than investing legend and billionaire Warren [...]
WASHINGTON – Vice President Joe Biden outraged the leaders of several Muslim communities on Friday when he complimented an organization’s leader on her “neat” “scarf hat.” The leader of Free Iran Now, Nareen Ceremba, was wearing a traditional burqa when she entered the meeting with the Vice President to discuss pressing the international community to increase [...]
NEW YORK — A producer of the CBS Evening News with Scott Pelley said the host was the unfortunate winner in a game of Russian Roulette last night that ended the careers of four bureau chiefs and an intern from Houston. Speaking under a condition of anonymity, the producer said that CBS struggled for months [...]
LOS ANGELES — August 30 was the most important day of the year for video game enthusiasts. The annual release of Electronic Arts’ Madden football franchise saw millions of copies sold worldwide, and this year’s version, Madden 12, is better than ever, with an expanded franchise mode that gives players the full experience of being [...]
LOS ANGELES – Mitt Romney pulled off a stunning upset over Republican rivals by winning the debate by three fractions of a point and inching out Michele Bachmann in the swimsuit contest. “That man’s body is my Disneyland,” said Republican delegate Annice Whipplegate, 43, of Omaha. It was a chilling defeat for Bachmann, who had [...]
CHICAGO – Mayor Rahm Emanuel has barred NFL referees from issuing flags for late hits on any Green Bay Packers player during the 2011 and 2012 season. This controversial order is a direct response to the 2010 NFC Championship game that cost Rahm Emanuel’s bookie two kneecaps after he stupidly tried to collect from the [...]
ASTANA — After three months of deliberation and a nationwide vote, Kazakhstan’s 16.4 million citizens have reached a consensus in changing their country’s name to “Boringstan.” The name received 50.1 percent of the vote on Monday. “The new name really captures the social and political fabric of this nation,” said Kardesh Malfi, a 21-year-old university [...]
SAN DIEGO — A gruesome scene unfolded today at the San Diego Zoo as left-of-center comedian Bill Maher beat an Asian elephant to death with his bare hands. Zookeepers say that Maher jumped over an electric fence and began calling the elephants “Racists, bigots, liars, and neoconservatives,” before attacking the largest elephant in the preserve. [...]
CHICAGO — Rahm Emmanuel released a statement on Friday morning calling for new taxes in Chicago to help balance a massive budget gap that has expanded in recent decades. The Mayor is specifically targeting a new base of consumers and residents in the neighborhood of Whoville, which was recently redistricted as part of Chicago after [...]
WASHINGTON — Joe Biden stirred controversy on Tuesday when he stated off-the-record that soccer is “gay.” The Vice President made the statement an hour after the Los Angeles Galaxy tied yet ultimately lost to Manchester City in a penalty shootout. His statement was leaked when a tape recorder inadvertently picked up the comment, and another [...]
WASHINGTON — MSNBC host Chris Matthews was in stable condition today after doctors discovered that the famous “leg thrill” he feels whenever Barack Obama speaks is actually a mild case of gangrene. “Chris is extremely lucky that doctors identified this before the campaign season really kicks off in 2012,” said Dr. Walter Hamsheel of Johns [...]
WASHINGTON – A leaked White House video dated from March 2011 shows the President and several union members agreeing that the United States will begin to transition into a full-fledged communist dictatorship in January 2012. The tape features President Obama, union leader Andy Stern, actor Sean Penn, and three college students dressed in Appaman Revolutionary hats and [...]
WASHINGTON — Speaker of the House John Boehner stormed out of a Dupont Circle tanning salon on Monday after discovering that his tanning fees had been taxed 10 percent by Congress. “What the hell is this all about?” screamed Boehner at the corner of 16th and P St. NW. “I just found out that Obamacare [...]
WASHINGTON — Vice President Joe Biden was caught by his wife trying to hide the U.S. national debt in a glass of milk while at dinner on Friday night. Biden, 68, waited until his wife walked into the kitchen to get another napkin, and slipped the entire U.S. national debt into his drink. Though he’d [...]
WASHINGTON – It is now estimated that as many as 34% of all grade school children are behind on their dollhouse payments. Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke admitted this morning that the outlook for the doll housing market is far bleaker than previously reported, as supply drastically outpaces demand. Millions of American dolls are now homeless. “We [...]
CYBERSPACE — DailyKos founder Markos Moulitsassas and former MSNBC host Keith Olbermann have announced a new online platform, similar to Second Life, for liberal bloggers to expose the glory of liberalism. The initial platform will allow users to create virtual avatars, discuss politics, and purchase non-corporate goods and services from online hemp and coffee shops. [...]
CHICAGO – Former Governor Rod Blagojevich hair of torment was found innocent of all charges against it; after its master was convicted of 17 of 20 corruption charges. Blagojevich’s hair, styled similarly to that of the Bob’s Big Boy character, had been charged with 14 counts of unlawful follicle behavior. Charges ranged from “Unlawful Rapunzeling”, [...]
WASHINGTON - Vice President Joe Biden saw his shadow on Monday, signaling six more weeks of explicative-laced rhetoric about his economic recovery program. “I’m happy to let you all know that the Vice President woke up this morning and saw a shadow of himself on the ground,” said White House Press Secretary Jay Carney. “It scared [...]
NEW HAMPSHIRE- Former Godfather’s Pizza CEO, Herman Cain, blamed his GPS device for his untimely delivery of conservative talking points at the GOP debate on Monday, forcing him to give a refund to everyone in attendance. “It wasn’t my fault,” Cain told Bill O’Reiley during an interview after the debate. “The GPS doesn’t recognize where my [...]
BALTIMORE — A record 53,943 fans packed Oriole Park at Camden Yards on Friday for the baseball team’s first annual “Luke Scott Birther Night”. According to the promotion, the first 10,000 fans that presented a copy of their birth certificate received free tinfoil hats. Other fans who arrived late scored free copies of Jerome Corsi’s [...]
