By J. Everett Ledeman WASHINGTON – One month post-Presidential election, studies have shown that after a brief period of respite and acceptance of the outcome, fights have resumed again, and this time, impacts are not only being dealt with words. “Well, we had nothing to argue about, so I punched my roommate in the face,” [...]
By J. Everett Ledeman WASHINGTON — Ann Romney and Michelle Obama came to a monumental decision last night after watching their husbands verbally battle in the third round of presidential debates: both candidates ought to share the presidency. “We caught Barack pulling Mitt’s hair, and Mitt biting Barack’s arm, and we decided that we’d just [...]
By J. Everett Ledeman UNKNOWN LOCATION — Mitt Romney purchased a small island today in the South Pacific today, after deciding he needed a break from the fallout of last week’s public relations disasters. “Our family needed to just get away for a little bit, there was too much going on thanks to that loveless [...]
By J. E. Ledeman WASHINGTON — President Obama has decided keep the Jewish holiday of Rosh Hashanah, largely due to a latent obsession with Apples and honey, the thematic sweet duo used to welcome the new year. Between bites of honey-coated granny smiths, Obama declared, “The Jewish people have long been part of our vibrant [...]
By J. Everett Ledeman WASHINGTON — William J. Clinton’s recent speech at the DNC unleashed a massive wave of support for the Democrats, after the former president gave what one spectator, Timothy Hamill, called “The best speech since Ben Hur - and maybe even more awesome than ‘Yes We Can’ and ‘Call Me Maybe’ combined.” Nevertheless, rumors are swirling that [...]
By J. Everett Ledeman MIDDLE AMERICA – A group of angry Republicans announced yesterday that they are getting bored of the race for a Republican presidential candidate in the 2012 election, and that they should “just give it to Romney already.” “We’re just getting really annoyed is all,” said Mary Ann Crowthers, a working mother [...]
By J. Everett Ledeman HONOLULU — In a bid to give “The Aloha State” more legitimacy, Hawaiian governor Neil Abercrombie announced that Hawaii will now host its own political caucus for the Republican candidates in the 2012 election. “As a state we felt that it was important for American citizens to recognize the importance of [...]
By J. Everett Ledeman New York— The United Nations declared today that the upcoming New Year’s Eve will be cancelled and will not usher in the year 2012 as had been previously expected. Instead, this year’s midnight of December 31st will bring about the year 2013, in a bid to try and prevent the Mayan-predicted [...]
SEATTLE — After days of wondering about the potential security implications that might stem from the downed RQ-170 reconnaissance drone in Iran, worries have been abated after Microsoft announced that it was their new console prototype, not a drone, that had been captured. “We were testing the new Xbox 720 over the Iranian skies, when [...]
WASHINGTON — President Barack Obama suffered a national embarrassment this week when his Fantasy Football was determined the worst in the Presidential Fantasy Football League, going so far as to rank behind Former Presidents, Richard Nixon’s and George H.W. Bush. “How can he lead this country if he can’t even make a proper draft pick,” [...]
PARIS—French demonstrators started their own “Occupy”-esque movement this week when they stormed French Prime Minister Nicolas Sarkozy’s residence, demanding that he enter into at least one extramarital affair during his time in office. “It’s embarrassing, for himself and for France. He’s the only politician in the region not to have screwed up on something,” said [...]
WASHINGTON—A group of university students from George Washington University have created their own political party after being frustrated with reading about the same ones in their “Intro to American Politics textbook. “It was just awful – when I actually did my reading it was, like, 50 pages on just these two groups,” said Gabe Sterling, [...]
WASHINGTON — Weekly White House Walking Dead staff viewings came in handy last night after a horde of “Occupy” zombies invaded the White House during the annual White House Halloween Bash. “It was just awful,” said a zombie-guts covered Timothy Geithner. “They ruined my new suit, and ate the cocktail napkin that had the new [...]
UNDISCLOSED LOCATION, LIBYA -Last night, Muammar Gadaffi uploaded a video to YouTube informing the American people to confirm that he is still alive. “NATO’s been at it for a while, haven’t they?” noted James, a software engineer from Paramus, NJ, who was on his lunch break when he saw the video. “You think they would [...]
LONDON –Former United States President George Walker Bush was crowned King of England last night after pulling the sword Excalibur from a stone near his hotel. The former president was on his way back from a dinner with his wife Laura, when he spotted the sword standing upright in the stone. “It was just sitting [...]
WASHINGTON — Tea Party leader Michele Bachmann held a press conference last night in which she accused President Barack Obama of being incompetent, inexperienced, and having severe mental issues. Her evidence resided in a clip of the President wishing former Connecticut Senator Joe Lieberman a Happy New Year. “It’s clear that the man is confused, [...]
WASHINGTON — A White House insider has revealed that President Obama’s re-election campaign will run under the new campaign slogan, “Barack Obama: He’s Better Looking Than the Other Guy,” emphasizing the youth, physique, and hair of the current leader of the free world. “We felt that this slogan truly highlights the positive qualities of the [...]