By James Shea An impromptu funeral service was held late last night on Mitt Romney’s estate, following announcements from the former Massachusetts governor that his political power had tragically succumbed to its recent bought of irrelevancy. The announcement came a mere two hours after similar news from Rick Santorum, former Pennsylvania Senator, whose relevancy collapsed [...]
By James Shea WASHINGTON — With only 21 more days until its conclusion, fans of the fast-paced legislative branch, Congress, are buzzing about the show’s season finale, which features House Speaker John Boehner seemingly deadlocked in a life-or-death political fight with rival President Barack Obama. The cliffhanger, which the series has presented as an actual [...]
By James Shea WASHINGTON– Congress formally announced this morning that it had been diagnosed with clinical depression sometime last week. While the legislature was visibly distressed, they were “finally relieved” to have an answer to explain frequent mood swings, social withdrawal, decreased enjoyment in arguing, and severe weight gain. “It’s hard for us to pinpoint [...]
By James Shea AUSTIN – Ron Paul, septuagenarian and known gynecologist, formally announced his decision this week to continue his campaign to win the 2008 election in the midst of other Republican forerunners working towards a 2012 election bid. The Texan representative redoubled efforts at a campaign stop today, chanting, “ OH-EIGHT, OH-EIGHT! We’ve got them on [...]
By James Shea TEHRAN – Having been accused of assassination attempts against Israeli diplomats in Southeast Asia, and preceding Iran’s impending announcements about its nuclear program, President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has not only denied the existence of nuclear weapons outright, but has gone so far as to claim that nuclear science is a mere “Western lie.” Iranian [...]
“Look, no one was watching when we nuked Hiroshima and Nagasaki.” By James Shea WASHINGTON– Citing issues of national security, government secrecy, and a strong need for “a minute to get some stuff together,” President Obama asked the entire nation to please turn around, just for a quick second, in a press conference last Thursday. [...]
BEIJING—Attempts to assuage China’s fears over US debt ended poorly this week; with the Chinese government launching a formal investigation into a possibility that the United States of America has been inappropriately receiving billions in student financial aid. The investigation was announced by Chinese Vice President Xi Jinping following several talks with American political figures [...]
NEW YORK – As the 2012 election heats up, presidential candidates have started reaching out to an unusual source for political support – self-professed “Fame Monster” and full-time egg creature Lady Gaga. Following her extremely successful gay marriage campaign (the famed pop star tweeted a congratulatory “We did it kids” to her fans following the [...]
AUSTIN – A tranquil afternoon of racketeering and political sloganeering was violently and horrifically rocked yesterday following the detonation of a high-yield moneybomb. The fundraising neologism, used to refer to the act of energizing voters to give large donations in a short amount of time, left thirteen dead and a further seven in critical condition. [...]
INDIANAPOLIS – The personal and professional life of Republican Representative Phillip Hinkle has been publicly tarnished, announced the Homosexual Elite this week. “We are proud to announce yet another victory in our campaign of homosexual terrorism on the lives of conservative politicians and good, God-fearing Americans,” read the official internal memo that was leaked to [...]
DES MOINES – Presidential hopeful Mitt Romney is in hot water over comments made at an Iowa State Fair last Thursday, following jeers from a spectator calling on the candidate to raise taxes on corporations. The former Massachusetts governor responded to the heckler with “Corporations are people, my friend,” a comment which has since given [...]
MINNESOTA – Michele Bachmann, the Republican presidential hopeful known for her controversial statements, left gathered press members exasperated and tired last night when she once again said something that was really stupid. The Congresswoman, known for dominating news cycles due to her constantly spouting inanities, was visiting her home state of Minnesota to promote a [...]
WASHINGTON – Frustrated by the “fundamental abuse and mishandling of our nation’s resources,” President Obama declared Friday morning that he is confiscating all U.S. credit cards with intent to “run them all through a good shredder”. The President was stern and unrelenting in his scolding of the nation, expressing disappointment as he shook his head [...]
WASHINGTON – Presidential hopeful Mitt Romney criticized President Obama’s political leadership, economic policy, and alleged sexual promiscuity in a 15-minute press conference yesterday afternoon. The conference occurred at a campaign stop in a local high school bathroom, where the GOP politician lit a cigarette in front of reporters before asking if they had “heard about [...]
ALASKA – The initial bombshell of Bristol Palin’s teen pregnancy is now a distant horror, but at its prime in the 2008 election, the fallout once threatened to engulf the country, wipe out her mother’s Vice Presidential bid, and render every teenager in America sterile. Yet, almost three years later, scientists are warning that the [...]
WASHINGTON – Congress has announced new findings from an ongoing investigation into current allegations of corruption, invasion of privacy, and “mad spooky Lex Luthor shit” levied against media conglomerate Rupert Murdoch. While the initial revelations of frequent lawbreaking, including illegal wiretaps of victims of the September 11th terrorist attacks, has shocked and horrified the American and [...]