By Kenny Heidt WASHINGTON—Representative Peter King is worried that the film based on the hunt for Osama Bin Laden will reveal critical security military secrets and irreparably damage American defense policy. Zero Dark Thirty, set to be released this December, tells the “true” story of the thrilling hunt for America’s #1 enemy abroad, Osama Bin [...]
By Kenny Heidt CARTAGENA – More shocking than Dania Londono Suarez, the woman at the heart of the Secret Service escort scandal, telling ABC news that the men she dealt with were “stupid brutes,” is her revelation to the The Washington Fancy that she preferred the agents that worked for President Bill Clinton. Speaking through a translator, [...]
Outrage Over “My Little Kony” Toy Grows By Kenny Heidt PAWTUCKET, RI – Hundreds of youth protestors held signs and chanted outside of Hasbro corporate offices this past week in response to the announcement of a new toy play set called the “My Little Kony.” According to Hasbro’s product description, the My Little Kony play [...]
By Kenny Heidt NEW YORK—At the United Nations, an anonymous North Korean diplomat told the General Assembly that Korea is so determined to bring a peaceful end to the 50s era war that he will start a brand new war if a resolution is not reached by Januray 1st. The unnamed diplomat told The Washington [...]
By Kenny Heidt BEIJING – North Korean and United States diplomats came to a breakthrough agreement on nuclear weapons during talks in China on Friday. North Korea will allow inspectors to return to the country and give up their enriched uranium in exchange for 500 metric tons of McDonald’s Big Macs. The new leader of [...]
By Kenny Heidt WASHINGTON – As members of congress and aspiring politicians continue to argue over how to create more jobs in America, Senators John McCain and Kay Hagan think they have discovered the answer: a tax holiday for corporations. However, this is not just a simple tax cut; the tax holiday proposed in Senators [...]
By Kenny Heidt NEW YORK – Republican presidential hopeful Mitt Romney made a campaign stop at The Westminster Kennel Club this past week in an effort to change public opinion about his treatment of dogs. As a guest judge during the toy dog competition, Romney checked the dogs’ coat, paws and gently massaged the dogs’ [...]
By Kenny Heidt HONOLULU—President Obama and his administration are doing damage control today after informing Asian and Pacific Island diplomats that “Pacific Rim jobs are key to stimulating growth in this country and around the world. The more Pacific Rim jobs we can get, the better people will feel and optimism will rise.” The crowd [...]
By Kenny Heidt NEW YORK – The music artist and soon-to-be divorced Seal recently revealed on Piers Morgan that he liked President Obama’s cover of “Let’s Stay Together” so much that he got together with the President for a duet on his new album. The pair plan on making an R&B cover of Bruce Springsteen’s [...]
By Kenny Heidt WASHINGTON — Before Obama’s State of the Union Address last night, Speaker of the House John Boehner accidentally let the Republican electoral cat out of the bag by admitting to the press that their huge cuts to education were part of a strategy to purposely make Americans dumber. He told the press, [...]
By Kenny Heidt KEYSTONE, SOUTH DAKOTA — President Obama is scheduled to take a trip to Mount Rushmore and announce a new jobs program for the state of South Dakota: construction of a second monument. However, unlike the first Mount Rushmore, which depicted some of the top presidents in US history, the second monument will feature [...]
By Kenny Heidt LOS ANGELES — Following the announcement that Los Angeles residents will vote on a ballot initiative requiring all porn stars to wear condoms in their films, the state of California announced a similar initiative: to make condom use mandatory for head public at all times. The Los Angeles initiative is supposed to help [...]
By Kenny Heidt WASHINGTON—After a decade of research and millions of dollars spent, the Federal Trade Commission has concluded that the social giant Facebook is not a safe place for people’s privacy and has decided to de-friend Facebook and its creator Mark Zuckerberg. A spokesperson for the FTC told a group of reporters that, “The [...]
By Kenny Heidt DES MOINES—Republican presidential candidate Michele Bachmann has called on the U.S. government to intervene in Ethiopia, where the Frankincense Tree, a christmas staple, is dying out. Bachmann told a large crowd of campaign supporters in Iowa that if they do not save the tree, Christians will have nothing to offer Jesus when [...]
By Kenny Heidt NEW YORK – After New Jersey Governor Chris Christie texted MSNBC host Joe Scarborough during a live broadcast this past Monday to complain about liberal bias, several online hacker groups such as “Anonymous” decided to see what else the two men talk about over the phone. As it turns out, the two [...]
By Kenny Heidt WASHINGTON—Proving that bipartisanship is not dead in the House of Representatives, Speaker John Boehner cut the ribbon at the opening of the new women’s bathroom on the House floor this past week. The bathroom represents the first women’s bathroom on the floor of the House since its creation. Speaker Boehner said, “It’s [...]
By Kenny Heidt INDIANAPOLIS—State officials were shocked on Tuesday when Indiana Governor Mitch Daniels claimed to have found close to $300 million in an unmarked paper bag outside the state Capitol’s front door. “It was the weirdest thing,” Daniels told the press, still in a state of shock. “I’m so used to protestors leaving flaming [...]
NEW YORK—Former Bush Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice has announced this week that she will be publishing a cookbook as a companion piece to her memoir, No Higher Honor. The cookbook, entitled Recipes of Mass Consumption, will feature different meals that should be prepared to help the reader swallow the stories told in her memoir. [...]
WASHINGTON—Politicians love to quote from the Constitution to support their arguments or label their opponents’ ideas as “unconstitutional.” Until now, all it took to justify or denounce these claims was to actually read the U.S. Constitution. The Republican Party hopes to change all of this by adding an amendment that would allow any person in [...]
NEW YORK – Media outlets and Republican candidates spent the week bashing Herman Cain over his most recent political ad, which shows his campaign manager smoking. However, it turns out Herman Cain is smarter than everyone, since he was just hired by The Truth anti-smoking ad campaign. A spokesman for the Cain campaign spoke anonymously [...]
TRIPOLI – In yesterday’s mission that successfully acquired and terminated Muammar Gaddafi, NATO forces acquired permission from the United States to deploy Dog the Bounty Hunter to Libya. Dog the Bounty Hunter has become world-renowned for his canny ability to hunt down fugitives the world over and bring them to justice. It came as no [...]
WASHINGTON – After an excruciating mash-up between the potato lobby and US Senators, a deal has finally been brokered to keep french fries on school lunch menus, thanks in large part to the star witness: Mr. Potato Head. It all started a week ago when several U.S. Senators proposed regulations that would cut back starchy [...]
ATLANTA – The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention released a report this past week that showed a decline in alcohol-impaired driving as a result of the economic downturn and the Obama Administration. Looking for a scapegoat for the bad economy, the CDC attempted to tie the results to Mothers Against Drunk Driving. Obama’s Press [...]
LOS ANGELES – The most astonishing revelation from the recent Republican Presidential Debate was not that Rick Perry learned the word Ponzi from watching The Jersey Shore, or that Michele Bachmann got her hair done by Ru Pul, but that there is actually a normal human being running for the Republican nomination: Jon Hunstman. The [...]
WASHINGTON – As the deficit of the United States continues to grow, and Congress haggles over how to pay for government programs, some Congressmen have decided to take debt reduction into their own hands – by having the First Annual Congressional Bake Sale. About twenty Representatives and a dozen Senators woke up early Thursday morning [...]
WASHINGTON – This week, the United States Supreme Court halted the execution of a Texas man who is responsible for murdering two people in 1997. In reality, the Court’s decision was never about moral or legal grounds; it was about preventing Governor Perry from executing his 235th criminal, which would have given him the Guinness Record [...]
LOS ANGELES – The most astonishing revelation from the recent Republican Presidential Debate was not that Rick Perry learned the word “ponzi” from watching The Jersey Shore, or that Michele Bachmann got her hair done by Ru Paul, but that there is actually a normal human being running for the Republican nomination: Jon Hunstman. The [...]
WASHINGTON – The United States Park Service has been examining the Washington Monument for cracks ever since the earthquake and Hurricane Irene, but now it appears there are actually no faults in the structure. Instead, the 555-foot monument to George Washington’s penis actually has urinary incontinence. The fact that the monument has a problem holding [...]
WASHINGTON – Congressional Republicans are tired of giving huge bailouts every year to thousands of US citizens who survived a catastrophic natural disaster. That’s why Representative Eric Cantor and the House leadership have a plan: to take America’s love for game shows and apply it to how disaster victims receive funding, with the Russian Roulette [...]
ISLAMABAD – US officials are defecating in their pants over the revelations that Pakistan might have shown Chinese military officials the tail section of the downed helicopter from the Osama Bin Laden raid. Sources inside the military have told The Washington Fancy that Pakistan showed the Chinese the tail section, not only to be a [...]
LONDON – The riots across England have been filled with arson, fights, and destruction, but until now, they have wrought havoc without the appropriate music. A small militant group that has formed amongst the rioters is releasing a CD of official rioting music that they are distributing illegally – and free of charge – to [...]
HOUSTON – As the thousands of people inside Reliant Stadium fasted and prayed for God’s help during these tough economic times, one thing became clear: The Almighty One has apparently begun screening His prayers. The current Governor of Texas Rick Perry organized a day-long event known as “The Response” at the Dallas Cowboys football stadium. [...]
WASHINGTON– The beltway is buzzing about the so-called “Gang of Six” and their new budget plan. Nevertheless, new reports are surfacing that the gang has been employing fraternity-inspired hazing tactics to initiate new members and acquire more supporters. Fraternities and sororities have been using hazing rituals for decades, borrowing these traditions from secret societies of [...]
CAPE CANAVERAL – Representative Michele Bachmann was one of thousands of onlookers in Florida cheering as the Space Shuttle Atlantis blasted into space. However, she was cheering for a very different reason: she was happy for the end of NASA’s war on Heaven. Michele Bachmann told The Washington Fancy that as a child, she remembers [...]
WASHINGTON – As the House of Representatives, the Senate and the White House continue fighting over budget cuts, there seems to be one thing that everyone agrees on: July 4th is too expensive and must be canceled. Possibly to show its degree of seriousness is about slashing deficits, Congress has decided to keep working and [...]
BEVERLY HILLS — With the economy struggling and the job market looking bleak, politicians are searching for additional jobs, and corporations have taken notice. Some businesses have even begun to think outside the box to lure politicians into their new jobs: no longer are resumés and job interviews important. The first pioneer was the founder [...]
WASHINGTON – It seems President Obama’s visit to his ancestral roots in Moneygall, Ireland was all a charade. Between his speech in Dublin and his pint of Guinness, President Obama secretly ordered a small Navy SEAL team to fly into Ireland and kidnap a 3-foot tall, obscenity-spewing Leprechaun named O’Malley. The mission was code-named ”Operation Lucky [...]