By Kate Incandeza NEW YORK — Citing contemporary news as “too depressing,” The New York Times has decided to print only sports stories and its Sunday Styles section from now on. “All the news that’s fit to print makes me sad,” said Editor Bill Keller. Asked whether he thought there could be a link between depressing [...]
By Kate Incandeza PALO ALTO – Hipsters everywhere are fuming after Facebook bought Instagram Monday, pleasing King Nerd Mark Zuckerberg. Facebook, once seen as the indie alternative to Myspace, “sold out” years ago, The Washington Fancy’s stylishly anonymous source said. But now the company has sinned further, causing Instagram to “go corporate” just as Facebook [...]
By Kate Incandeza SANFORD, FL – The true motive of the man accused of shooting a black teenager due to his race has been revealed. Neighborhood watch volunteer George Zimmerman fatally shot Trayvon Martin for his Skittles and iced tea – but it was nothing personal. Zimmerman, a Florida resident, saw the teenager exit a [...]
By Kate Incandeza WASHINGTON – After comparing Andrew Breitbart’s passing to that of John Lennon, conservative political commentator Ann Coulter created an even more colorful analogy: that Ronald Reagan’s death was just like the killing of Jesus Christ. In an exclusive statement to The Washington Fancy, Coulter said, “I never knew Reagan personally, but what [...]
By Kate Incandeza CHICAGO — The newest environmental crisis has an unlikely source: Barack Obama. The President’s approval rating has hit an all time low; consequently, Obama apparel is being discarded in record amounts. When he ran for President in 2008, Obama created an Obama-wear bubble. T-shirt sales skyrocketed, and stocks in companies like American [...]
By Kate Incandeza USA – Teenagers across the country are shocked to hear that a Presidential election is happening. On Monday, a poll conducted by People Magazine – the adolescent equivalent of The New York Times – found that 92 percent of teenagers were unaware of the upcoming 2012 Presidential election. “I would say we’re [...]
By Kate Incandeza CAIRO – Motives for the latest wave of protests in Egypt have been murky. The Washington Fancy has gotten to the heart of the matter: the Egyptian youth wants to recapture its place in the international spotlight. Last year, the world at large hung on Egypt’s every protest. But then followed the [...]
UNDISCLOSED LOCATION — Twenty-four hours after a brutal 7.8 earthquake rocked the population of a non-American country, details about the extent of catastrophe are starting to emerge. Hundreds dead, thousands left homeless, and billions of dollars of damage to infrastructure have devastated a country that is not America. U.S. Ambassadors, however, are expressing dismay at [...]
By Kate Incandeza WASHINGTON—Citing public disappointment with Obama and public adulation of Alec Baldwin, Democrats have announced a campaign to rally behind Baldwin for the party nomination. Recent research shows Americans favor Baldwin because of his innate confidence. “Baldwin makes clear he’s a winner,” etymologist Adrian Kurtz insightfully explains, “Nobama on the other hand…” “Our [...]
By Kate Incandeza TAMPA – As Florida reaches the frigid temperatures every other state calls “Spring,” unexpected health problems have begun to occur in the sunshine state. “We are seeing an uptick in residents admitted to the hospital who have symptoms of hypothermia,” said Valerie Ramirez, a nurse at Tampa General Hospital. In fact, hypothermia [...]
HARTFORD, CT — After Obama’s suggested a proposal to tax the wealthiest tier of the American population, Connecticut is preparing to take a cue from Texas and secede. “We don’t want to do it,” Governor Dannel P. Malloy says, “but you don’t mess with Connecticut.” As the state with the highest median income, Connecticut’s population [...]
By Kate Incandeza WASHINGTON — President Obama is upset, and it’s not because he’s being called “Lil’ Bush.” On Tuesday morning, the President voiced his opinion that Facebook is “taking away all of the attention I should be getting.” Obama said that he recently conducted a series of covert experiments which revealed that 64% of [...]
By Kate Incandeza EVERYWHERE, USA – Thursday evening, millions of Americans united to oppose the entity threatening their happiness: government. “The government bites, so we’re boycotting it,” Michigan resident Drew Pinciotti said. “I am sick of hearing about it all the time, so this means war.” Pinciotti declined to further explain himself, or what a [...]
By Kate Incandeza PORT-AU-PRINCE — Travel Channel‘s plans to bring Man v. Food to international viewers has been met with a shocking response: anger. The show features Adam Richman touring America’s best “pig out spots.” Travel Channel was sure its appeal stretched beyond American borders. The show’s first stop: Haiti. “We arrived without the usual info [...]
By Kate Incandeza ATLANTA — Following Iowa’s caucus, CNN anchors have released a collective prediction for the results of New Hampshire’s upcoming primary. “Our intuitions say the outcome of the New Hampshire primary will be jaw-dropping with a side of ‘Oh no he didn’t,’” Anderson Cooper told The Washington Fancy. “While Sarah Palin, Fox commentator, screams [...]
By Kate Incandeza ORLANDO — Casey Anthony has fled to Ohio and doesn’t want to return to Florida; Floridians don’t want Anthony to return to Florida. Residents of the “Sunshine State” are hedging their bets that she won’t return by sending her money. Anthony has been ordered to return to Florida to serve probation for [...]
By Kate Incandeza EVERYWHERE—In December of every year, century, decade and millennium, the American public is forced to endure a barrage of end of year, century, decade and millennium lists. Navigating the statistic filled depths of list-land is grueling when all you want to know is whether gauchos or Crocs are the worst trend of [...]
By Kate Incandeza WASHINGTON — Congress has pledged its public support to grassroots group No Labels, because the organization’s platform prevents it from ever doing anything productive. “This is the true spirit of US government,” John Boehner said. “It’s about taking a stance that cannot be advanced, and continuing to push for it.” No Labels [...]
By Kate Incandeza CYBERSPACE – North Korea’s “dear leader” died on Saturday and his passing struck few as acutely as the blogger behind the popular Tumblr “Kim Jong-il Looking at Things.” “I just don’t know how to go on,” said the blogger, who asked for anonymity in this story. “The blog has been my livelihood [...]
NEW YORK—The liberal media has come under attack for its stance on heterosexual rights. On Tuesday, a group called Equality for Straight People publicly demanded that The Huffington Post acknowledge the rights of straight people to carry on their own “mainstream lifestyle.” The reason straight people need more attention stems from a Twitter oversight, according [...]
NEW YORK—After New York City was declared the third most artistic American city, the Big Apple’s artists went on strike. Shockingly, no one noticed until today. “The artists are on strike? You mean my barista at Starbucks won’t be making me lattes?” asked NYC resident Henry Dempsey. After being assured he’d still get his Grande [...]
BEIJING—Hearing that the United States will be increasing its military presence in Australia, China offered little more than a snort. “What are they going to do? Start enlisting kangaroos in the army?” President Hu Jintao scoffed. Jintao’s offhand remark sent a ripple of worry through Washington. “Kangaroos, no, there are no Kangaroos,” Secretary of Defense [...]
MANHATTAN—Parents gave the media a piece of their collective mind on Monday, describing the Occupy Wall Street movement as “derivative.” According to them, it is an idea, not borrowed from previous political protests, but stolen from an aspiration their children already had: moving back home after school. “My son has been occupying Greenwich Village for the [...]
WASHINGTON—Senator Dick Durbin of Illinois, a democrat in the Gang of Six, incited a pitchfork-wielding mob after praising Republicans Wednesday. Durbin, the Senate Democratic Whip, complimented Republican members of his supercommittee on what he called “a breakthrough” in national debt negotiations. Democratic congressmen responded by purchasing pitchforks and running rampant through the streets of Washington D.C., [...]
NEW YORK CITY – Five men at Columbia University were arrested this week as part of “Operation Ivy League,” and charged with drug-related offenses.If convicted, the men facing the most serious charges will be sent to CUNY to earn their bachelor degrees, while lesser offenders will be sent to NYU. Although it shocked the Columbia [...]
BENTONVILLE, AR — After China accused Wal-Mart of falsely labeling normal pork “organic,” the company has devised a solution: use human flesh instead. “Pork is expensive in this economy, not to mention organic pork,” said meat quality manager Bo Redding. “But finding organic people, that’s easy. All you need are some vegetarians.” The latest pork [...]
AUSTIN — Realizing it had incarcerated a wrongfully convicted prisoner for thirteen years, the state of Texas executed Mark Borelli yesterday. The charge? Not claiming to be innocent sooner. Borelli, convicted of a 1998 homicide, was exonerated Wednesday thanks to a state-of-the-art DNA test. Borelli rejoiced, until he was told that as punishment for not [...]
MIAMI — In this city frequently targeted by hurricanes, the skies are sunny and the children in school. Many are asking why students in Cambodia and other parts of Southeast Asia were excused from classes today, while American children everywhere would still have to attend school. “It’s just not fair,” said Celia Davis, an [...]
WASHINGTON — The sentiments of New Yorkers who are occupying Wall Street due to economic troubles have trickled down to Washington, D.C., as evidenced by a mass gathering of pigeons this weekend. More than 80,026,000 or 14 (depending on the source) pigeons congregated on the National Mall in protest. Protest of what? It is unclear, [...]
WASHINGTON – Steve King (R – IA) and Tim Scott (R – SC) have been ordered to take a “U.S. Constitution and Law” class after claiming that President Obama will be impeached if he fails to raise the debt ceiling. In middle school, both representatives failed to learn that The House of Representatives may impeach [...]
CULVER CITY, CA — “If I have to ask one more acne-speckled teenager about her science fair project, I am going to lose it,” says Jepoardy host Alex Trebek. Watson, the super-computer of Jeopardy! fame, has been signed to work with health insurer WellPoint. Trebek has not been so lucky. On Tuesday, the game show [...]
TWIN CITIES, MN — Speaking in her home state, Michele Bachmann came out in opposition to CPR today, as well as the life-saving technique of mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. The GOP Presidential candidate was later spotted kissing babies — but only males, and only on the forehead. When asked why she is against a practice that has [...]
WASHINGTON — President Obama is distracted — not by Hurricane Irene or his re-election campaign, but by the arrival of pretty college freshmen in the nation’s capital. Each year, thousands of students descend upon the area, to politicians’ great pleasure. This influx of eye candy is a welcome change for the President, who spends much of [...]
BEIJING — A brawl between American and Chinese basketball players has led some in the US to suggest that China try harder to emulate her neighbor to the East. While the Chinese basketball team frequently fights international guests, the Japanese bestows their visitors with some of the $73 million recovered in the wake of March’s [...]
WASHINGTON — Governor Rick Perry has more Twitter mentions than his competition, but Perry’s hair has more press than the man himself. The coiffure has received honorable mention 192,360 times; to give some perspective, that’s nearly as often as Michael Vick refers to himself in third person in one day. Some say this could be [...]
WASHINGTON — On Friday morning, it was revealed that a contingent of Italian policemen went undercover to arrest rogue gladiator impersonators. Now it is alleged that President Obama attempted to hire the undercover policemen to dispose of problematic GOP Presidential candidates. The Washington Fancy has the exclusive story, which is only beginning to unfold. “We [...]
ATLANTA — According to the latest poll by CNN, nine in 10 Americans believe government should use polls to make all decisions. Like many networks, CNN uses polls to gauge viewer opinions on national concerns. Unlike other networks, CNN has proposed it be licensed by the government as the nation’s sole poll provider. “Twelve in [...]
CUPERTINO, CA — Apple, which has more “cash on hand” than the United States Treasury, has been called on to bailout the United States if Congress does not agree on the most recent debt ceiling plan by August 2nd. “Should the US have to default on its payments, Apple will provide enough money to lower [...]
WASHINGTON – House Majority Leader John Boehner stood up for Republican initiatives yesterday and marched proudly around the Capitol after passing his new debt ceiling plan. When asked why, he told The Washington Fancy, “These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do.” It was unclear whether one of these days these [...]
LONDON — Amy Winehouse’s death Saturday was a tragedy to many, but none more than former employees of News of the World. “This story was made for News,” said former editor Rebekah Brooks. “I would have had Winehouse’s phone tapped immediately, so we could bring readers the scoop on who called her before she died.” [...]