By Lorenzo Rearden BEIJING—In yet another dramatic twist in the details surrounding the dire straits of our country’s financial welfare, it appears as if Lady Luck has made a surprise appearance. Chinese President Hu Jintao has officially written off all United States debt owed to his nation after drinking a 6-pack of Four Loko last [...]
By Lorenzo Rearden Washington, D.C. — The rumor mill on Capitol Hill is abuzz right now, as numerous beltway insiders have confirmed that Jill Biden is thinking about filing for divorce from her husband in light of the Vice President’s refusal to join her at the couples cooking class that Jill’s mother got them for Christmas. This [...]
By Lorenzo Rearden WASHINGTON – The Washington Fancy has recently discovered that popular daily discount coupon website “Groupon” is being sued by Vice President Joe Biden. Biden became infuriated when Groupon, which offers significantly reduced prices on a multitude of recreational, activities, could not utilize his favorite discounts due to his hectic travel schedule. Biden will no [...]
DENVER – Since taking over the starting quarterback position for the Denver Broncos, Tim Tebow has now won 6 of 7 games, and has played a huge role in putting the Broncos back in the thick of the NFL playoff hunt. “Tebow mania” has taken hold in cities all across the country, and it appears [...]
WASHINGTON – Yet another attempt by Congress to find bipartisan agreement on legislation essential to correcting America’s stagnant Economy resulted in failure yesterday with the collapse of the Super Committee. Astonishingly enough, the reason for stalled negotiations in this particular Congressional faux pas lies not in party politics, nor in a lack of open mindedness [...]
NEW YORK—After a controversial downgrade of the United States debt from AAA to AA+ this past August, the S&P announced it has officially downgraded Speaker of the House John Boehner’s tan quality from SB (Supremely Bronze) to AAT (Above Average Tan). Specific details regarding this decision continue to emerge, but it has been established that [...]
COLUMBUS, OH—“When the hell did this happen?” asked Haley Barbour; current governor of Mississippi, as someone who has spent the past year adamantly denying any chance that he would run for the GOP nomination in the next election. “Did anyone even know that this s*** was going on? Christie? Daniels? Rubio? Anyone?” Unfortunately for Mr. Barbour, the [...]
DAMASCUS — Bashar al-Assad – Syrian President, outspoken critic of Western diplomacy, and exemplar of a fine pencil-thin mustache, the likes of which haven’t been seen since Gomez Adams – made some serious headlines when he said that he would now be open to starting some dialogue with those opposed to his offensive regime. Astoundingly [...]
WASHINGTON, D.C. – In light of new marijuana legislation currently being presented to Congress, some lawmakers have begun to discuss the possibility of taxing popular snack foods to capitalize on the phenomenon known as “the munchies.” The Frank-Paul Bill, sponsored by Representatives Barney Frank (D-MA) and Ron Paul (R-TN) wouldn’t legalize marijuana, but would leave states to decide [...]
New York, NY – In yet another innovative move by Apple, newly appointed CEO Tim Cook, announced today that the company would be releasing a new product called the iDrum. This technologically advanced device was created by Apple engineers in just 2 weeks in response to the current protests happening in lower Manhattan. Reports of [...]
TEHRAN – Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, the controversial Iranian President known for his economic irrationality and love of human rights violations, recently revealed something those outside his inner circle never knew: he has an appreciation for Weird Al Yankovic‘s music. “F*** yes!” said Ahmadinejad, after first hearing the soothing sounds of Weird Al’s new song “Perform This [...]
BOSTON – The historic collapse of Boston in the final stretch of the Major League Baseball season has not only left the Red Sox nation in an emotional state of turmoil, but it has had quite a dramatic effect on Mitt Romney’s Presidential outlook. Sources have confirmed that Governor Romney’s below-average performance in the [...]
WASHINGTON – Reports out of the White House have confirmed that House Minority Speaker Nancy Pelosi is absolutely furious over the online chaos created by discount retail store Target yesterday. The website crashed numerous times due to heavier than expected traffic, which was driven by the launch of the Missoni for Target collection of bags, bikes, [...]
JOLIET, IL – Michele Bachmann, presidential candidate and divine interpreter of obscure natural disasters, announced Monday that Hurricane Irene could quite possibly have been a message from God trying to get the attention of politicians in Washington D.C. Despite claims from the Bachmann camp that the comment was made in jest, brothers Jake and Elwood [...]
WASHINGTON – Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner, who most recently was seen lashing out at Standard & Poor’s after their decision to downgrade the U.S. debt quality, places the blame of another miserable week for the economy not on the Europeans or the quantitative traders, but on another group of individuals entirely: Juggalos. For those unaware, a [...]
AMSTERDAM – While the long-established model of financial analysis and portfolio management encourages diversification of one’s assets, Austin Powers’ archnemesis Goldmember has decided to go against conventional wisdom and convert his entire net into gold. This strategy has resulted in a remarkable return of 186 percent on his portfolio so far this year. In financial statements [...]
AMES, IA – Thursday night’s GOP debate was easily the most frenzied that we have seen thus far in the campaign cycle, with all of the candidates eagerly engaging each other on a wide range of issues. Many personal attacks were made throughout the evening, from Hermain Cain claiming that Michele Bachman moonlights as a [...]
PALO ALTO, CA — After receiving hundreds of thousands of requests from unhappy users who want more ways to express meaningless emotion, Facebook will be adding a “meh” button for people who are unsure of how they feel about one of their friend’s picture albums or status updates. Facebook is not particularly known as a [...]
HILL VALLEY, CA – Despite spending much of his time since departing office trying to avoid any sort of publicity or media attention, former President George W. Bush is once again making headlines after a bold suggestion he made for the U.S. Energy Department went public. In light of the country’s ongoing battle with high gas prices, [...]
ROME – Silvio Berlusconi, the third-longest serving Prime Minister in Italy ’s history and well-known consumer of underage prostitutes, is yet again making headlines. In a surprise move to pop culture analysts and wannabe reality TV stars all over the world, Prime Minister Berlusconi has requested that Pauly D and Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino, of the popular MTV [...]
ATLANTIC CITY, NJ – Donald Trump, real estate mogul and political liability, has moved on from questioning the validity of the President’s place of birth and now wants to know about the ethnic legacy of the First Dog. Multiple news outlets have verified that Mr. Trump has actually sent a letter to the Portugese government [...]
WASHINGTON D.C. – In an effort to further enhance national hatred of goofy-looking white basketball players from the Raleigh-Durham based bastion of academia, Duke senior forward Kyle Singler has created a viral tour de force that has the internet abuzz. The video of him doing trick shots from random locales across Duke’s campus, including the school swimming [...]
By Lorenzo Rearden BLOOMINGTON, IL – Yesterday afternoon, during the annual “Cowpokes and Fat Chicks” county fair in Bloomington, Illinois, a serene and relaxed environment suddenly erupted into chaos when an unexpected guest – Congressman Aaron Schock (D-IL) – made his way onto the fair’s south stage for an impromptu performance. Schock, a native of nearby Peoria, Illinois, was in town [...]