WASHINGTON DC—On Wednesday April 17th, a letter addressed to President Obama which contained ricin, a highly toxic poison, was intercepted by a mail screening facility. This letter was discovered within a day of a similar poisonous letter that was sent to Senator Roger Wicker (R-Mass). Upon hearing of the poison laced letter, President Obama made [...]
By: Peter Coburn President Obama and former Massachusetts governor Mitt Romney met for lunch in the Oval Office on Thursday. This was the first time the two have met face to face since their presidential debates two months prior. Secretaries and other officials standing outside of the office reported hearing shouting and the breaking of [...]
By Peter Coburn NEW YORK—Donald Trump has not been shy about his lack of confidence in President Obama, and repeatedly calling for the release of documents ranging from his birth certificate to his college transcripts has become a staple of the business mogul’s public persona. Now, with the presidential election nearing, Trump has taken another [...]
By Peter Coburn DENVER — Last night, President Obama and Governor Mitt Romney held their first debate against on live television which, although focused on domestic affairs and the economy, included Romney’s plan for the immediate cessation of funding for the Public Broadcasting Service, or PBS. Immediately following Romney’s statement, Obama began muttering numbers that [...]
By Peter Coburn WASHINGTON—A recent poll shows that, after decades of controversy, it has finally been established that polls effectively convey public opinion. In recent years, multiple media outlets have called into question the usefulness of polling data as a way to make decisions. It is claimed that polls sample too small a population to [...]
By Peter Coburn WASHINGTON—When the new surge of freshmen congressmen came to Capitol Hill, they created notable friction with the established Democrats and Republicans. The recent collapse of the Federal credit rating is now being blamed on the freshmen tea party members’ lack of compromise; action has been taken to ensure the same mistake will [...]
By Peter Coburn WASHINGTON — Ever since he secured the Republican presidential nomination, Mitt Romney has been pressured by the press and his republican peers to announce his running-mate. Nonetheless, after much delay, Romney announced the name of his running mate on Friday. The name of Romney’s vaunted running mate: Mitt Romney. “I just couldn’t [...]
By Peter Coburn WASHINGTON—The Supreme Court upheld the Patent Protection and Affordable Healthcare Act on a 5-4 decision last Thursday, June 28th. Although the act was designed with the healthcare of American citizens in mind, it is beginning unintended consequences. “Obamacare – over my dead body!” shouted Kevin Lambart, said a DC protestor in May. [...]
By Peter Coburn WASHINGTON — The Secret Service prostitution scandal, which recently embarrassed the government agency, received new testimony by one of the escorts hired in Colombia. Dania Suarez, an escort hired by the Secret Service, came out with her story about the Secret Service behavior. Upon hearing the stories about the party, President Obama [...]
By Peter Coburn PYONGYANG—North Korea found itself in a perilous situation with the rest of the world when it announced its April rocket launch. While North Korean officials insisted it was a purely scientific endeavor, the United Nations believed it was an attempt to test launch ballistic missile technology. Following the failure of the rocket [...]
By Peter Coburn WASHINGTON–The controversial Obamacare legislation is currently working its way through the Supreme Court, and with the widely anticipated decision due in June, the Supreme Court justices are already forming opinions. Through three days of questioning and grilling about the landmark legislation, unofficial results have been leaked. “I think it’s safe to say [...]
By Peter Coburn WASHINGTON — In response to harsh criticism from political opponents, President Obama has been urged by his supporters to go on the offensive. Obama recently decided to make good by his supporters by taking harsher tones during his speeches. To accurately display his aggression during his speech, transcribed copies of his speeches [...]
By Peter Coburn ALABAMA– With Mitt Romney gaining an advantage during the Republican Primary elections, Rick Santorum has grown concerned. With too much of the conservative vote split between Santorum and Newt Gingrich, Santorum is worried that he does not have the voter support to take the nomination. “Please, Newt,” said Santorum at his rally [...]
By: Peter Coburn HARRISBURG—The Pennsylvania Voter ID controversy reached a new level on March 15th, when Governor Scott Corbett signed the Voter ID requirement into law. The new law will require that all voters carry a photo ID when they vote. Following this precedent, new ID laws are being passed. “This is only the first step,” [...]
By Peter Coburn WASHINGTON — Accusations of class warfare on the part of President Obama have become common rhetoric by the Republican Primary candidates. Putting the lower class against the upper class, the educated elite against the rest of the country, and the labor unions against the rest of the blue collar workforce have been [...]
By Peter Coburn BERKELEY, CA—On Febraruary 282th, 201, Moonbeam Rivermist, known to his family as John Abernathy, was found dead in his Volkswagen Beetle. This marks the end of an era, as Rivermist was the last person to subscribe to the hippie lifestyle. All other members of the hippie movement have either died or moved [...]
By Peter Coburn LONGWOOD, FL –The Senator, a 3,500 year-old cypress tree, burned to the ground in its Longwood, Florida home early this morning. Further investigation led police to suspect that the tree was intentionally set ablaze. Members of the United States Senate fear another attack. “They just burnt it to the ground,” cried John [...]
By Peter Coburn MYRTLE BEACH—Ever since Jon Huntsman, former Utah governor and contender for the Republican nomination, dropped out of the race, there has been heavy speculation over his motivation. Moreover, his endorsement of Mitt Romney has only added to the confusion. All questions were cleared up upon a very startling discovery made in Huntsman’s [...]
WASHINGTON — The collapse of the industrial backbone of the United State of America has had devastating consequences to the nation’s economy. While the wealth of the economy has only increased, that wealth has effectively been removed from circulation, having been stowed away in the upper end of the economic ladder. Yet, from the ashes [...]
MOSCOW–In a situation echoed by many other nations, the Russian Federation is trying to combat economic troubles by increasing its exportation of hot tennis players. Tennis commentator Ralph Norrington is credited for noticing the trend. He writes, “Ever since Anna Kournikova became a world icon in the early 2000s, the world has begun to lean [...]
By Peter Coburn WASHINGTON — With Mitt Romney on track to a sweeping victory in the Republican Primaries, his competitors have resorted to focusing a relentless attack campaign against him. While the attacks seem to have done little to turn the rising tide of Romney’s campaign, they are giving insight into the incredible powers of [...]
By Peter Coburn Congresswoman Michele Bachmann, once considered to be a powerful contender for the Republican presidential nomination, has fallen by the wayside. Since dropping out of the primary in early January, Bachmann has also faded from the news and from public awareness. Now, Bachmann has expressed her displeasure over the fact that her career [...]
By Peter Coburn GOFFSTOWN — With the 2012 Republican Primary moving to New Hampshire, many have expected the entertaining trend of political throat cutting to continue. When January 7th came around and the candidates stood on stage at Saint Anselm College, they remained surprisingly civil, repeatedly passing on opportunities to strike at each other. “What the [...]
By Peter Coburn DES MOINES — The results from the Iowa Caucus have come back and they do not bode well for the Republican Party. Through extensive testing and retesting, it has been confirmed that the Republican Party has a rather severe case of Santorum. “I can’t believe this happened,” said Reince Priebus, chair of the [...]
By Peter Coburn QINGDAO, CHINA — On December 15, a civilian United States satellite photographed the Varyag, a former Soviet aircraft carrier sold to China in 1998. Over the past 13 years, China has slowly finished construction of the carrier and recently launched it for sea trials. This is a monumental moment for the Chinese [...]
By Peter Coburn RIGA—On September 18th, Harmony Center, a left-wing, pro-Russian political party, took 31 seats in the Latvian parliament. This landmark election for Harmony Center marks the first time in 20 years where a pro-Russian party had any significant control over the country. News of the victory spread across the globe, triggering a rush [...]
![“I linked [the drone's operating] system to all of my favorite porn sites,” boasted Ahmadinejad. “By now, that thing has more viruses than an Iranian prostitute.”](http://thewashingtonfancy.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/12/3712302-3x2-340x2271-90x65.jpg "Has America lost its mojo?")
By Peter Coburn TEHRAN — In late November, an RQ-170 Unmanned Aerial Vehicle (UAV) drone was reported missing in the skies over Iran. The missing drone was a mystery until December 5, when Mahmoud Ahmadinejad reportedly leapt into the air and pulled it to the ground. “I ripped that son-of-a-bitch out of the air with [...]
WASHINGTON—New papers released by the White House note that President Obama has called for the nuclear football – the briefcase used to launch a nuclear attack – on 78 occasions. President Obama in particular has been accused of lacking a backbone in regard to issues of foreign relations. However, these accusations have proven to be [...]
MADISON—Wisconsin governor Scott Walker has stepped forward as one of the most aggressive members of the Republican Party. This aggressiveness has made his removal from office a priority of the opposing Democratic Party. While his approval rating is only slightly lower than his disapproval rating, the left has begun a heavy push to recall Walker [...]
WASHINGTON– On November 16, 21-year-old Oscar Ramiro Ortega-Hernandez opened fire on the White House with a semi-automatic AK-47 assault rifle. The incident has triggered a political firestorm from the right and the left over the nature of the attack. Former Vice President Dick Cheney took to the podium and offered his opinion. “What the hell [...]
NEW YORK—With the Occupy movement in effect well into November, the coming winter weather has the protesters worried. With the temperature dropping, more and more of the Occupy protesters have been seeking a new location to protest from. The need for a change in venue is resulting in a new movement: Occupy Prison. “I was [...]
WASHINGTON—Since the 2008 presidential election, the divide between the two major political parties in the United States of America has grown deeper. Partisan bickering and verbal attacks have become commonplace in all corners of government. However, as a new method to break the tension, the first ever session of congressional “Show and Tell” was an incredible [...]
TALLAHASSEE—The debt troubles of the United States has reached a new level. The desperation of the budget shortfalls has forced the federal government to take drastic action: putting the state of Florida for sale on eBay. Florida Governor Rick Scott had the following to say on the planned sale;“This is a disaster. Who is going [...]
ROCKPORT, TX—Judge William Adams has announced that, after being beaten in response for physically assaulting his own daughter, he realizes that he “deserved it” and therefore will not be pressing any charges against his attackers. Judge William Adams gained national attention when his daughter, Hillary Adams, posted a video of her father assaulting her on [...]
WASHINGTON—Republican presidential primary candidate Herman Cain has, thus far, had a successful push for nomination. Gallup polls have shown a recent surge in Cain’s numbers. However, with his growing success, Cain has become the target of various attacks, none of which seem to faze Cain. “Nothing bothers me,” said Cain. “It’s like apples and oranges. [...]
WASHINGTON—On November 27th, Senator Joseph Lieberman is expected to bring a landmark bill to the US Senate. The goal of the bill: rewrite the United States Constitution at a Kindergarten reading level to make it easier to understand. “Our Constitution was written over two hundred years ago in language so convoluted that even constitutional scholars [...]
BERLIN—The failing economy of Greece has the potential to wreak havoc on European and global financial markets. In its pleas for assistance, Greece has noted that its falter will likely depress the value of the Euro, and with Europe under such an economic crunch, Germany is left holding the decision to save or destroy the [...]
A recent study conducted at Harvard University has uncovered some shocking results. A full 78% of Americans studied appear to be addicted to the bullshit that is spouted by political figures and news outlets. “Honestly, this is not surprising to me,” said Harvard professor Jeremy Barrywater. “People just can’t get enough of the crap being [...]
WASHINGTON — Debate over tax cuts has been all the rage since Barack Obama promised to end the Bush tax cuts of the previous administration. After failing miserably, Obama has a chance to redeem himself. The newest debate has spawned over a current payroll tax cut from 6.2% to 4.2% for the first $106,800 of [...]
TRIPOLI — Since the death of Osama Bin Laden, Moammar Gaddafi had become the world’s most wanted man. His oppressive rule was challenged earlier this year when NATO backed protests threatened his reign, and now the Libyan Rebels, who have captured and killed Gadhafi, have also left the United States uncertain of which country to [...]
WASHINGTON — The race for the Republican nomination for the presidency has become quite crowded. With ten candidates in the race, American voters assumed that the Republican Primary race could not get any fuller. Despite the number of candidates, the party yet again finds itself in need of a super-candidate – especially after both Chris [...]
GENEVA — Albert Einstein went down in history as one of the most influential men of science of all time. His theories of relativity and countless other scientific advancement have formed the model of modern physics research. However, his reign as king of science has come to an end. A group of scientists at CERN [...]
WASHINGTON — Television programming has had a major shift over the past decade. Reality television programs, featuring “real-world people” as opposed to pre-scripted fiction, have taken center stage on the airwaves. Given the popularity of reality televisions and their democratic method of eliminating contestants, it comes as no surprise that they are gaining a foothold [...]
WASHINGTON – In what has been called a “masterful plan of misdirection,” the Obama administration has implemented a top-secret project to take away Internet access from people who are unable to discern fact from fiction, otherwise known as “Internet Idiots.” Officially called “Cyberspace Storm,” the government crackdown on Internet idiocy wove together little known provisions [...]
BEIJING – – On September 18th, China filed for copyright infringement with the World Intellectual Property Organization. Their complaint: civilizations all over the globe have committed fraud against China by stealing their “Great Wall” idea. Wang Mu-ke, the lawyer handling the case for China, shared the following statement; “All over the world, you see hundreds [...]
VIRGINIA BEACH — On September 16, Pat Robertson made a controversial comment on his show, The 700 Club in favor of divorce in the event one’s spouse suffers from Alzheimer’s disease. While the media, as well as Robertson’s supporters, were shocked by this statement, none were as shocked as Robertson himself. Immediately following this statement, [...]
PENN HILLS –Republican presidential candidate Rick Santorum has become known for his strict adherence to conservative policies, including opposition to gay rights. All of that changed on September 30, when Rick Santorum was diagnosed with the debilitating disease known as homosexuality. “It came out of nowhere,” said Santorum. “I was standing on a sidewalk in [...]
WASHINGTON — President Obama’s most recent attempt to rectify the national unemployment has been both lauded and degraded. With the liberal and conservative media fiercely debating the September 8th speech, the satirical news media has had a field day. Behind the scenes of the Obama administration, the truth of the jobs plan came out to The [...]
MADISON — Labor Day has been observed in the United States since 1882, when the American Federation of Labor began the tradition. Since then, the national holiday has been welcomed by the blue-collar sector. This tradition has come to an end in Wisconsin, as Governor Scott Walker took aim against the holiday. “We all know [...]
WASHINGTON — The debate over corporate personhood leaped over another milestone with the recent victory of Citizen United over the Federal Election Commission. With the ever-thinning divide between corporations and persons, a new definition of person had to be created. In a landmark Supreme Court decision, the personhood of American citizens has been revoked. “It’s just [...]
WASHINGTON — After a dreadful week on Wall Street, troublesome uncertainty in the Middle East, and an earthquake in the nation’s capital, the President changed his catchphrase from, “Yes we can,” to “Shit, I don’t know.” Back in 2008, then-presidential candidate Barack Obama captured the nation with his larger-than-life mantra, “Yes We Can.” The much-quoted [...]
WEST PALM BEACH, FL — There is no doubt that Rush Limbaugh is among the most influential political pundits in the country. Limbaugh’s oft absurd rants has earned him a near-religious following among American conservatives. Those very same rants have also garnered him a heavy helping of criticism from the political left. All along, Limbaugh [...]
CAMP DAVID—President Barack Obama’s ego suffered a serious blow on August 16th, when his guests inexplicably abandoned his barbeque party at Camp David. The party lasted only about 45 minutes, because Obama began rehashing the stories of his few political successes. “We were having a real nice time,” said Nancy Pelosi. “That was until Obama [...]
AUSTIN — As the summer nears its end, sunbathers herd to the beaches in droves. However, they may be surprised once they arrive. On August 10, Texas Governor Rick Perry signed into law a state ordinance against sunbathing. “This came about after I noticed a disturbing trend,” said Perry. “Many Americans love the beach – [...]
WASHINGTON — The deficit debate has finally hit President Obama close to home. On August 8th, immediately following the Standard & Poor’s downgrade of the federal government’s credit rating from AAA to AA+, repo men arrived at the White House door. “We gotta do this one quick,” said Sam Kenny, who supervised the repossession. “We [...]
BEDFORD — “iRobot,” the Massachusetts-based robotics company, is preparing for a popular series of domestic robots. These robots will be the first of their kind – political robots designed to replace feeble-minded politicians. Following iRobot’s naming conventions, the newest robot will be called “Conbot,” a combination of the words “Congress” and “robot,” which sheds light [...]
WASHINGTON–Vice President Joe Biden has been a center of media attention since taking office. His habitual gaffes have made him a mainstay in the evening news, but the White House has grown tired of the political horror show that he provides for American citizens. On August 1st, President Obama declared Biden “a menace to society.” “It’s [...]
WASHINGTON– As the ongoing impasse in the debt ceiling talks continues, Barack Obama’s patience is growing thin, and White House sources have released unconfirmed reports on the source of the President’s frustration: he doesn’t want to work on his 50th birthday. The President’s intentions were first revealed by Representative Louie Gohmert (R) Texas. “Obama has [...]
NEW YORK– The greatest heat wave the United States of America has seen in nearly a decade is in full effect, but scientists and laypersons have finally found a solution to the unbearable temperatures and global warming in general: increasing the global use of air conditioning. The world’s top thinkers in environmental policy assembled at [...]
LONDON — Sean Hoare, the man who blew the whistle on the British newspaper News of the World for allegedly hacking the phones of 9/11 victims, has been found dead. While controversy surrounds his death, investigators have ruled his passing as “death by natural causes.” Rupert Murdoch, owner of the News of the World and [...]
CAPE CANAVERAL—With the deadline for raising the debt ceiling rapidly approaching, many in Washington have urged that the ceiling be raised immediately. However, there are other concerns that raising the debt ceiling may cause harm. NASA has released a report stating that the final space shuttle Atlantis, may crash into the debt ceiling. “That ceiling [...]
When Glenn Beck interviewed Sarah Palin back on January 14, 2010 few people believed anything other than a televised lobotomy of the American people occurred. New information has been released regarding the moments following the interview proving that in an off-set broom closet in the FOX News Studios, the mutant lovechild of Palin and Beck [...]
ORLANDO — On July 8, 2011, NASA’s Atlantis, the last mission in its famed Shuttle program, propelled itself into space while burning down the dreams of millions of American school children. “Obama is a poopy head,” said first grader, Bobby Lewick. “He killed the space shuttle with his dummy budget cuts.” As with any politically [...]
WASHINGTON—With the cost of crude oil topping $100 a barrel, the federal government was forced to tap into our oil reserves to cap prices. The fuel scare has left many in our nation’s government scrambling to find a solution. A natural substitute, sebum has been presented as a solution. Sebum, the substance coating the skin [...]
NEW YORK – On June 24, 2011 New York Gov. Andrew Cuomo passed a law allowing homosexual couples the right to marry. The law is scheduled to take effect on July 25th; thousands of gay couples are planning to make their nuptial pilgrimage to the Empire State. Once these couples tie the knot in July, [...]
CINCINNATI—When the Center for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) released a statement on May 21st instructing people to prepare for a zombie invasion, it attracted plenty negative attention. However, what seemed like waste of time and resources was qualified on June 25th, when a zombie epidemic struck several suburbs of Cincinnati, Ohio. “Back in May, [...]