By Pat Chillé WASHINGTON — Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin arrived in Washington D.C. today to launch a diplomatic shirtless tour of the United States. The always camera-ready former Russian president will tour major cities across the U.S. – bare-chested, no less – in an effort to establish stronger ties between the two countries. “We welcome the opportunity to former [...]
WASHINGTON—The entire U.S. Border Patrol was accidentally sold to Mexico this morning, government officials announced today. The White House, still under fire for the recent “Fast and Furious” gun trafficking scandal, claimed that an “errant post” on Amazon.com led to the sale. “We posted the Border Patrol on Amazon as a joke,” White House Press [...]
By Pat Chillé WASHINGTON – Facing insurmountable pressure from House Republicans, the President decided as of last night to delay his State of the Union address to 4 A.M. EST, seven hours later than the previously scheduled time of 9 P.M. The delay was prompted by GOP representatives who said Obama’s primetime speech would conflict [...]
By Pat Chillé RICHMOND — A Virginia Tea Party chapter was recently taught a heartwarming lesson on tolerance and acceptance from new member Tameka Muhammad Lopez, an open lesbian of Mexican and African descent who practices the Islamic faith. Lopez said she joined the Richmond-based group because she identified with their stance on small government and [...]
By Pat Chille PYONGYANG – Kim Jong-un, the “Great Successor” to North Korea’s late dictator Kim Jong-il, announced today he is putting off his new position to attend art school, travel abroad, and focus on his burgeoning career as a club DJ. “Not sure what I want to do,” Jong-un told North Korean state [...]
By Pat Chillé WASHINGTON—Acknowledging the country’s stagnant job market, President Obama announced a new plan this morning to simulate a healthy economy using CGI technology. Speaking at a White House press conference, Obama said Transformers director Michael Bay would be using state-of-the-art computer graphics to create the appearance of economic prosperity. According to White House [...]
WASHINGTON—Newt Gingrich announced yesterday that he is leaving his position as the current GOP presidential frontrunner after recent successful poll results left him surprised and unprepared. The former House speaker, currently holding a double-digit lead over former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney in a nationwide Gallup poll, told reporters that he wishes to return to a [...]
WASHINGTON—After months of speculation and rumors of an impending breakup, the United States and Pakistan announced today that they are formally splitting up. The two nations, once regarded as the War on Terror’s foremost power couple, announced the split in separate tweets. “It is with great sadness that @Pakistan and I have decided to end [...]
WASHINGTON – The Super Committee of lawmakers tasked with resolving the deficit started an uproarious food fight Thursday, as partisan name-calling escalated over a Thanksgiving dinner meeting. Edging closer to the deadline for a bipartisan agreement, Democrats and Republicans focused their frustrations on each other. “Go ahead and raise taxes, Mister Caca Head,” Sen. Pat [...]
WASHINGTON – Ten months into the job, Press Secretary Jay Carney is still the awkward guy at the White House, according to insiders. “He came into the meeting, looked around nervously and gave us gun fingers,” Boe Jiden, an anonymous White House insider, told The Washington Fancy. ” We all looked around thinking, ‘What? A [...]
WASHINGTON—Barack Obama’s approval rating announced today its resignation from the White House. Citing “personal reasons,” the rating said it would leave immediately, but wished Obama the best. ”It’s been a wonderful two and a half years,” the rating said. “Unfortunately, I feel its time for me to move on. I wish the president well as he [...]
ATLANTA—Herman Cain, under fire over past allegations of sexual harassment, announced today that he is refuting the claims with an erotic novel that presents a hypothetical scenario of the incidents in question. The novel, titled Temptation Pizza, describes in vivid detail the confrontations that the GOP Presidential candidate and former Godfather’s Pizza CEO says “totally did not happen.” “I wrote this [...]
TRIPOLI – The body of former Libyan dictator Muammar Gaddafi has been “temporarily misplaced,” according to officials with the country’s interim government. Interim leader Mustafa Abdul-Jalil said the body was last seen on the kitchen counter at government headquarters. “Man, this is embarrassing,” Abdul-Jalil said with a bewildered chuckle. “He was right there on the [...]
NEW YORK – President Obama arrived at Zuccotti Park today in solidarity with ‘Occupy Wall Street’ protesters. Pitching a tent with the help of his Secret Service team, the president said he wanted to finally demonstrate his support for hard-working, middle class Americans. “I can’t get anything done at the White House,” Obama said. “It’s [...]
WASHINGTON – Former Godfather’s Pizza CEO Herman Cain is leading Ron Paul among voters in the key stoner demographic, according to the results of yesterday’s Republican debate in Las Vegas. Cain’s success is attributed largely to his pizza legacy, according to experts. ”Paul wants to legalize it, but Cain’s got some far out pizza, man,” said [...]
TRENTON – Chris Christie announced this week he will not be running for president, citing his ongoing duties as governor of New Jersey and the fact that he’s currently stuck in his chair at his office. “This is embarrassing,” Christie said with a chuckle. “I’ve been here since Saturday. Guess that 2012 race isn’t happening [...]
WASHINGTON – Country singer Hank Williams Jr. wore blackface today in a televised apology for recent comments comparing President Obama to Adolph Hitler. Williams, appearing on Fox News, acknowledged his comments were inappropriate, and said that he and the president share a lot in common. “Me and Obama are brothers from another mother, y’all,” Williams said [...]
COLUMBIA, SC – A South Carolina Tea Party Chapter launched a protest today after a local Waffle House ran out of their most valuable menu item. The news that the restaurant, part of a popular chain, would not serve waffles for the rest of the day prompted local Tea Party members to organize a sit-in. [...]
SAN FRANCISCO– Republican Presidential candidate Rick Santorum announced today that he plans to spend more time with male members of the armed forces in response to the recent repeal of “Don’t Ask Don’t Tell” legislation. “They need me at this critical time,” the former Pennsylvania governor said. “These poor strapping young men are being forced [...]
PARIS – Dominique Strauss-Kahn announced today that he will launch a comedy tour across the U.S., an opportunity to reflect on his attempted-rape case in New York. “Oui, what better way to reflect on the wild and wacky events of the past year than with a comedy tour,” Kahn said. “I remember my wife calling [...]
WASHINGTON – A hologram of candidate Obama from the 2008 race challenged President Obama today for the 2012 Democratic ticket. The virtual projection, invented by a team of liberal engineers from the University of California Berkeley announced his campaign at a rally in the nation’s capital. “I will not rest until we reduce the deficit, [...]
WASHINGTON – Snubbing the president once again, several Republicans notably skipped a party that followed Obama’s speech to Congress Thursday evening. The exclusive bash, held at the White House, was meant to be a “Who’s Who” of D.C. politicians and celebrities. House Speaker John Boehner explained that he and other GOP members of Congress [...]
TRIPOLI - Libyans rummaging through Muammar Gaddafi’s various empty mansions the past couple weeks have been surprised to find peace symbols, Grateful Dead memorabilia, and Greenpeace literature – revealing that the recently deposed dictator is in fact a hippie. One rebel looting items from a compound in Tripoli said his opinion of the dictator may have softened after [...]
MYRTLE BEACH – As Hurricane Irene tore up the east coast Saturday, Republican presidential candidates voiced opposition to the federal government’s response by holding a surf contest in the middle of the storm. Representative Ron Paul (R-TX), standing on the beach in a blue mankini and holding a long board, said the federal government should [...]
WASHINGTON – Leaked passages from Dick Cheney’s hotly anticipated memoir reveal numerous antics from his days touring with the Bush campaign in 2000 and 2004. Cheney, long known as the “wild one” of the Bush team, speaks candidly about the long nights hammering out memorable speeches and the coffee-fueled conference room parties that characterized the [...]
DAMASCUS – Syrian President Bashar Al-Assad today apologized for the recent violent reprisals against protesters in his country, blaming errant typos in his memos to security forces. “I am such a scatter-brain,” Al-Assad said laughing nervously at a press conference. “I meant to type “chill” and I wrote “kill” by accident. I wanted my forces [...]
WASHINGTON – Ohio Representative and noted leprechaun Dennis Kucinich announced today his plans to run for president in 2012, offering to reveal the location of his pot of gold if elected. Speaking at a press conference, the diminutive Kucinich said he plans to challenge Obama for the Democratic nomination. Should he succeed, Kucinich said he [...]
WASHINGTON – Heading into the 2012 Presidential Race, President Obama is ironically vying for approval from a tough demographic – the nation’s 30 million hipsters. Wearing oversized wire-rimmed glasses and a “Where’s Waldo?” hat, Obama spoke yesterday to a visibly disinterested crowd of young hipsters in the basement of the Piss Club, a former church [...]
MADISON – Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker today announced he plans to ban all expressions of happiness in the state – including smiling, laughing and giggling. Walker said expressions of joy are “socialist by nature” and that his plan will lead to better work productivity as well as a lower unemployment rates. ”The Soviet Commies were always [...]
HAVANA – Former Cuban leader Fidel Castro and Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez announced their decision today to move to New York and get married. Appearing on Cuban National TV, the two controversial leaders smiled and held hands as they confirmed long-standing rumors that they would seal-the-deal on their long-standing relationship. “We are eager and thrilled [...]
WASHINGTON — Facing the approaching deadline for raising the debt ceiling, President Obama and key members of Congress vowed Sunday to continue holding round-the-clock negotiations — after catching up on their Netflix DVDs, updating their Facebook profiles, and napping. “It’s highly critically we reach a settlement on raising the debt ceiling,” Obama said. “But let [...]
TRIPOLI — Facing widespread civil unrest and repeated calls from world leaders to step down, Libyan leader Muammar Gaddafi is reportedly upset over the latest eliminations on popular US TV show “America’s Got Talent.” “He’s really unhappy that some of the novelty acts got eliminated,” an anonymous insider with access to the Libyan leader said. [...]
ATLANTA – Former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich announced today that he will be ending his rocky presidential run, choosing instead to pursue his life-long dream of being a hip-hop star. The Georgia Republican made the announcement at the Playaz Club in Atlanta. “Most people know about my career in politics, ” Gingrich said [...]
AMARILLO, TX– Reeling from failed attempts to fix his state’s drought emergency with public prayer, Texas Governor Rick Perry announced he will use magic spells from Harry Potter, the popular children’s book series, to bring the state some much needed rain. “Obviously, the whole pray-for-rain thing seems a bit silly now,” Perry said. “But we’ve [...]