By Paul Peterson MADISON, WI — Posing for reporters in front of his new “Weiner Mobile,” disgraced Congressman Anthony Weiner announced today that he will be going on the road as the new spokesperson for Oscar Mayer Wieners. “Tweet this you twit losers in Congress. Four million dollars in my pocket gives new reason for [...]
By Paul Peterson Presbyterians have long boasted of being the denomination of the only clergyman to sign the United States Declaration of Independence. Reverend John Witherspoon was present on that historic day of July 4, 1776 and penned his name next to such luminaries as Ben Franklin, Thomas Jefferson, and John Adams. What most people don’t know, [...]
By Paul Peterson WASHINGTON – In his State of the Union Address last night, President Obama stated that the U.S. decade-long involvement in Afghanistan must end with the Afghani government relocating from its makeshift headquarters in the basement of the U.S. Embassy to its own building. According to the President, the Afghan government must have all [...]
By Paul Peterson AUSTIN, TX – In a move that many political pundits believe is another step toward running for President, Texas Governor Rick Perry filed in court to have his name legally changed to Davy Crockett. “I think he tossed his hat into the ring,” says David Byrne, a well known media talking head. [...]
By Paul Peterson WASHINGTON D.C.— As an expansion of President Obama’s “Cash for Clunkers” program to trade old cars for energy efficient vehicles, Senator John McCain (R-AZ) wants to provide tax credits to middle-aged and elderly males who want to trade in old, clunky wives for newer, high performance models. According to McCain, the tax [...]
By Paul Peterson NEW YORK—Citing the high demand for jokes about Presidential candidate Michele Bachmann, the Political Satirists Union (PSU) announced that it will ration humor pertaining to the zombie-eye Congresswomen from Minnesota. PSU spokesperson Arty Rogers-Twain told reporters, “Prior to Bachmann’s formal announcement we were barely keeping up with demand, but now that she’s [...]
WASHINGTON—Former House Speaker Newt Gingrich fired back at critics today who are calling for him to end his quest for the Republican presidential nomination. Gingrich proudly stated that his political aspirations will not be satisfied until he could pay off his wife’s bill from Tiffany’s. According to the statement from Gingrich, “Despite rumors of the [...]
WASHINGTON—Responding to nine new cigarette warning labels mandated by the FDA to appear on packages by September 2012, lobbyists for the tobacco industry marched up the steps of Capitol Hill today, stopping only a few times in coughing fits, to present elected representatives with their own suggested labels. According to industry spokesperson Nick O. Teen, [...]
MINNEAPOLIS – Republican Presidential hopeful Michele Bachmann has undergone a surgical procedure used by some women in Islamic countries to restore her hymen, and by a narrow definition, her virginity. Campaign spokesperson, Elijah Gabriel said the Minnesota Congresswoman decided that after much study of the Bible, she needed to purify herself to the level of [...]
WASHINGTON — Citing a “clear and present danger” to the “full faith and credit” of the United States, President Obama today announced, ” I am invoking the 14th Amendment to the Constitution and ordering the Secretary of the Treasury to pay all debts arising from the Civil War, and any others we may have incurred since [...]
WARNING: THIS ARTICLE CONTAINS GRAPHIC CONTENT. Readers are recommended to place a condom over their computer screen before viewing. Ribbed condoms may make the article more pleasurable. MINNEAPOLIS – Amid reports that the husband of Presidential candidate Michele Bachmann uses a controversial reparative therapy to “cure” homosexuals of their “disease,” leaders in the gay community revealed [...]
WASHINGTON – Despite the sharp partisan divide in Congress over cutting the budget deficit, President Obama told reporters he is confident a deal will be reached and that he has already hired a contractor to raise the nation’s debt ceiling. “This is something that must be done to avoid economic chaos,” said the President. “Therefore, [...]
WASHINGTON — The Supreme Court dismissed a major class-action lawsuit against Wal-Mart Stores Inc. that contended the retail giant had systematically discriminated against 1.5 million of its female workers. Writing for the majority, Justice Antonin Scalia stated, “It is ludicrous to think a highly profitable retail giant like Wal-Mart would not pay all of its [...]
