By Shaun Kunz WASHINGTON, D.C. – The president has come clean today amidst rumors that his swearing in ceremony was lip synced. In a small press conference, President Obama admitted to mouthing the Oath of the Presidency while the pre recorded version from his last term was played. His detractors claim that this delegitimizes his [...]
by Shaun KunzWASHINGTON, DC– A new Washington Fancy/ Belt Parkway Community College joint study has found that the most apps and games downloads in America occurs in the District of Columbia, not even a real state. According to data. the residents and more importantly, the registered employees of the nation’s capital spend the most time [...]
By Shaun P. Kunz Spk.Twf@gmail.com @Spktwf SANDUSKY, OH—After much deliberation, News Audit’s Tasteless Reporting Award for International News, better known as the TRAIN’s, goes to the entire American news media. Their tireless work outlining and describing sexual misconduct by athletic coaches, and introducing “fondling in the shower” as the new dinnertime vernacular, caused a landslide. [...]
By Shaun Kunz MADISON, WI– Shortly after being picked by the Republican frontrunner for the VP job, it has been revealed that VP candidate Paul Ryan is not as squeaky-clean and square-white as thought. In fact, Rep. Paul Ryan is a closet Jam-Band Music-Fest hippy. Reports from all over Wisconsin are beginning to surface as [...]
By Shaun Kunz WASHINGTON — During an underwhelming speech today in which President Barack Obama reinforced his monetary policy of the rich paying more so that the middle-class can pay less, the President reached in his back pocket and retrieved a folded piece of paper. In his all-too-well-known, charismatic delivery, the president returned to his [...]
By Shaun Kunz DENVER — A new blog by Denver community organizer and chef, Craig Hardcastle-McCormick, has set the local political scene ablaze. In his latest essay, the private chef accuses the Tea-Party of starting the Colorado wildfires. His accusations describe the right-wing sub culture as having sparked the disaster with “tax-cutting SUV emissions, but [...]
By Shaun Kunz LOS ANGELES– Rodney King, star of the first Viral Video in history and contestant on Celebrity Rehab, died Monday from what the LA Coroner’s office is calling, “Je ne sais quois.” The “Can’t We All Just Get Along?” movement founder’s funeral was delayed by the procession of LAPD Fife and Drum Corp [...]
By Shaun P Kunz CUPERTINO, CA — Apple has been accused of playing a financial shell game in order to avoid the billions in taxes the IRS says would otherwise be due. This has driven The (People’s) Republic of California and the Administration to propose new creative legislation. Now that the summertime is here and [...]
By Shaun Kunz NEW YORK — As evidence emerges on a daily basis that the POTUS’s policies are bolstering the economy, Pandora, Inc. – inventor of musical profiling and custodian of the Music Genome Project – has recorded a substantial spike in its paid membership subscriptions. Only two weeks afterthe Obama4America “All Inclusive Energy” ads began running [...]
By Shaun P Kunz WASHINGTON– Following this week’s American Idol episode, President Obama announced that he has an all inclusive policy to fix his approval rating utilizing one of his newly-shared talents. The president will begin singing inappropriate songs on a weekly basis, and allow voters to vote as many times as they would like. The [...]
By Shaun Kunz WASHINGTON—Claims by the Social Security Administration that hi-tech hackers and identity thieves have long been stealing Social Security numbers and have moved up to actually cashing in on benefits and checks sparked an investigation Monday. Investigators say that this is a very lucrative scam, and it has caught the attention of lawmakers [...]
By Shaun Kunz INDIANAPOLIS—Colts’ long time quarterback Peyton Manning,waved a tearful goodbye to his team this week and has begin a three state tour in search of a new job. The GOP faithful has now become a new name to consider for the 2012 Presidential General Election. Peyton Manning’s handlers have not yet responded, nor [...]
By Shaun Kunz WASHINGTON D.C.—Energy Secretary Steven Chu announced today that he would be retiring at the end of Obama’s first term if things didn’t get more exciting. “I’m bored with the uninteresting debates over oil prices, inane quibbling about green energy, and the banal urgings of the ‘Drill Baby Drill’ scene. I need something [...]
By Shaun Kunz CHICAGO— After confirmed reports of the death of Kim Jong-Un, the successor to the late Kim Jong-Il, Oprah Winfrey announced that she will be assuming the reign of “Dearest Leader” of North Korea. The talk show mogul, book endorser, self-help guru, and non-romantic same-sex-cross-country trip-taking expert made the announcement from her nearly [...]
By Shaun Kunz WINESBURG, OH— Young Abigail Abernathy, 6, of Sherwood Anderson Elementary, had her Fluffernutter and applesauce lunch confiscated today and replaced with a wholesome processed chicken “nugget” lunch and French fries. Abigail received a demerit and was given a note to take home, instructing the parent to “partake in the government school lunch program, [...]
By Shaun Kunz PORT STANLEY, FALKLAND ISLANDS— The Hasbro Battleship game is getting very popular again. Argentinean President Christina Fernandez de Kirchner has challenged the UK to a game of Battleship in order to decide the fate of The Falkland Islands, or according to Kirchner, “Las Malvinas.” Ironically, Fate of the Falklands is the rumored [...]
By Shaun Kunz DAMASCUS —The UN has responded to the recent violence in Syria by issuing another “Last Chance” warning. After the president was assigned to the corner with the threat of counting to three before he “really gets in trouble,” Bashar Al-Assad replied to the UN saying, “Just be cute and shut up.” Syrian [...]
By Shaun Kunz Detroit SWAT proceeds to enter the Frontier Airlines flight after distressed passengers report “suspicious activity” in the rear restroom. DETROIT—Two couples were apprehended for “suspicious activity” and “reckless endangerment” on a Frontier Airlines flight yesterday, having set off the smoke alarm and causing considerable noise in the plane’s rear bathroom. John and [...]
By Shaun Kunz LAKE BUENA VISTA — While the I-4 gridlock caused some trouble along with the hundreds of pass holding visitors who were turned away from The Magic Kingdom, it was the stunning words from the president himself that caused a recent media frenzy. They were reportedly stunning and violent. As if on [...]
By Shaun Kunz RICHMOND — Perhaps this contest’s Dark Horse candidate (that is, since Cain suspended his campaign), Ron Paul took time out of his busy schedule to speak with The Fancy after his hearing that he was to be the only other candidate on the Virginia Primary ballot besides Mitt Romney. He was so excited to [...]
By Shaun P. Kunz TEL AVIV—The relationship between President Obama and Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu recently grew a little icier when it was made clear that not only does Israel reserve the right to attack Iran without U.S. approval, but also that team Chisox would not be invited to the Middle East Quiddich Tourney [...]
By Shaun P Kunz The Children of America received no presents this Christmas this year. No Cookies were eaten, and glasses of milk spoiled. Santa could not enter American Air Space, as he failed to renew his license and secure a gold star according to the new federal program. “Luckily our kids don’t practice a [...]
NEW YORK — In “the city so nice, they occupied it thrice”, a yearly holiday tradition recently drew controversy upon the presidential race. In an inebriated state, the recently lit Christmas tree at Rockefeller Plaza endorsed “Log Cabin” Republican Candidates. Naming Senator Susan Collins, Representative Richard Hanna, and Representative Ileana Ros-Lehtinen, the Christmas tree endorsed [...]
LOS ANGELES—The private accounting firm of Rollem, Lietit & Toque has released its newest study of the United States’ gross domestic product for the first three quarters of 2011. The result: the US is producing more than ever, which is good news. The new product responsible for the GDP increase entitled, Overnight and Fleeting Fame, [...]
NEW YORK—New pictures of world leaders in compromising situations have been surfacing all over New York City, and other major cities around the world. Anthony Weiner is not to blame, this time. The pictures, well photo-shopped, display same-sex world leaders kissing one another. The message is simple, albeit grammatically and physically impossible: UNHATE. Many onlookers [...]
SAN INES, VENEZUELA—Catcher for the Washington Nationals Willie Ramos returned home this weekend after having been “kidnapped” in his homeland of Venezuela. According to Venezuelan officials, Ramos denied the contract allegedly offered by the Venezuelan team, and has returned to America for a better offer. What the world has been reporting as a “kidnapping” was [...]
NEW ORLEANS—Louisiana voters and three talent judges approved of Gov. Bobby Jindal once again this week. Having made it past the Boot Camp, and performing at the judges’ homes, Governor Jindal was voted back into office and on to the next round of X-Factor. His number about lower taxes seems to have been his greatest [...]
NEW YORK — In an unprecedented and bold move this week, the newly-dubbed LibTARDs (Liberal, Tired, and Restless Democrats) stormed and occupied the happy stretch of none other than Sesame Street. The LibTARD group has made headlines lately by protesting in public places. They have made a lot of noise “occupying” Wall Street, even holding [...]
ATHENS— As the Hellenic Republic faces financial and social disaster, much of its bankruptcy and wide spread rioting seems founded on one small misunderstanding. While Greece, like all members of the European Union (EU) officially trades in Euros, all of its creditors so far have received payment in the spiced lamb pate and cucumber sauce [...]
HAVANA— Hugo Chavez is reportedly in critical condition after his sexual reassignment surgery last week. The president of Venezuela had been complaining of pain and soreness in his abdomen, reportedly a cover-up for this risky yet common surgery. Cuban health care officials, with the advice of film documentarian Michael Moore, offered their free health care [...]
RIO DE JANIERO—Early 20th century swindler and Italian immigrant (notwithstanding) Carlo Pietro Giovanni Guglielmo Tebaldo Ponzi, better known as ‘Charlie’, has spoken. In a paranormal séance made public through a viral YouTube video, Brazilian cult leader and psychic known only as Touromerda channeled the long-dead criminal at his grave site. It seems he was [...]
TAMPA— Last week, the site of the upcoming 2012 GOP convention was also home to another GOP debate; unfortunately, no one in Florida knew, or seemed to care. According to a Washington Fancy/Sunshine Cable News poll, The Tampa Bay Rays got more coverage taking on the New York Yankees as they chased a wild card [...]
LAS VEGAS — Shocking the world with an almost comprehensible sentence, former heavyweight boxing champion, Mike Tyson, entered the political ring this week with big goals. He is setting his sites on knocking out Sarah Palin from the presidential race that she has yet to officially enter. While Tyson has not announced which position he [...]
WASHINGTON — Nude photos of Scarlett Johansson were leaked onto the internet this week after her phone was stolen, which contained several, provocative, self-shot images of the actress in her bedroom. Capitol Police responded to an aide’s call this morning, explaining that a foreign electronic device was found in Senator Harry Reid’s office. The questionable [...]
Tea Party activists are suspected of destroying the crossing in order to discredit President Obama’s immigration policy. SAN YSIDRO/SAN DIEGO—Democratic leaders and California hipster liberals are protesting the slowdown to reopen the border crossing at San Ysidro/San Diego. Picket signs and candlelit drum circles kept the emergency and construction workers company overnight. Gatherers feel [...]
TRIPOLI— In an amazing attempt to garner support from America’s thirty-somethings, Libyan rebels have apologized for the 1985 original slaying of Dr. Emmet Brown outside the Twin Pines Mall in Hill Valley, CA. Dr. Brown was commissioned by the Libyans to build a bomb to use against America. Instead, he used the money to develop [...]
KABUL – Things are heating up in the Middle East – and it’s not the temperature. The once burqa-clad ladies of Afghanistan and Iraq have been spotted in clam-digger pants and with their hair in up-do’s. To the surprise of critics, they have credited American and allied forces’ efforts to qualm terrorism as the impetus for [...]
WEST MEMPHIS—President Obama shocked his staunchest supporters today after deciding to take the Alford plea on his presidency. The same plea deal the West Memphis Three took to get out of jail, though still guilty, will allow the president to walk free, play golf, and go on vacations, without shirking from the responsibility of overspending. [...]
NEW YORK — The pop music community honored its most popular Sunday at MTV’s perennial award show, The Video Music Awards. Seated in the back row were MC Hammer, the cast of Cop Rock, Liam Gallagher and a very vocal Joe Biden. The Veep presence had only been a rumor until the Michael Jackson Video [...]
LOS ANGELES – A video featuring actor/comedian Jim Carrey recently went viral after he professed his love for First Lady Michelle Obama, with promises of endless “pasty white nights of loving.” In the video, Carrey goes to great lengths to praise the First Lady’s great sense of style, wonderful press coverage, and a skin tone [...]
WASHINGTON — Furious about how he looks in his new memorial on the National Mall, a crossed-arm, furrow-browed Dr. Martin Luther King Jr has taken credit for Tuesday afternoon’s 5.8 earthquake. “I’m just saying – look at me! I’m huge for one thing, but I wasn’t that big of a man in real life, and [...]
TAMPA, FL—The Republican National Convention is beginning to take shape in the city of Tampa, as arrangements for rooms, catering, escorts and security begin pumping dollars into the local economy. After a private viewing of Cowboys and Aliens, convention insiders say that the party has solicited the help of interstellar mercenaries to protect persons of [...]
NEW YORK — In the city so nice they named it twice, revelers and lawmakers gathered to put on their bathrobes, drink Caucasians, and get them a rug that ties the room together. The Coen Brothers cult classic drew notables such as Jeff Bridges, John Goodman and John Boehner to an exclusive party and screening [...]
NEW YORK — Stan Lee and his media empire of caped and masked heroes has one more competitor and it’s not from DC. New Left Comics will introduce a green friendly and politically charged hero with witty comebacks and poor social skills. The new hero hits comic book store shelves in September and very likely [...]
LONDON—The Big Chill Festival in England came and went over the weekend bringing much of England’s rock and alternative music scene together. The always loveable and etiquette-trained Kanye West ended his performance by calling everyone a racist and invoking Hitler in his speech. Attendees thought it was the prelude to a new song, until the [...]
BOSTON – Senator and 2004 presidential hopeful John Kerry needs more press time. Not enough people still find him relevant, according to polls. The Senator appeared on CNBC Wednesday and asked people to help him become popular again, and stop listening to GOP and Tea Party detractors. Critics in print and on television called the interview [...]
WEST PALM BEACH, FL— Talk Radio star and golf enthusiast Rush Limbaugh seems to let it all hang out on the radio and on the golf course. One of his secret projects was recently exposed Wednesday when two homeless beggars were admitted to Sonny Burnett Memorial Hospital, holding blue spray-painted signs that read, “I voted [...]
CAIRO — Hosni Mubarak once had it all: power, oil, and the sphinx. Now, he only has his newfound svelte waistline and box of Just for Men. The ousted president of Egypt, political refugee and murder trial defendant has one more shot to regain power and popularity. He is cutting his carbs, steering clear of [...]
LOS ANGELES — In an act of retro-policing and maddening mistaken identity, Kermit D. Frog, Miss Piggy, Gonzo the Great et al. were taken into custody over the weekend in what LAPD called, “A very successful raid with no resistance or incident.” At a press conference, Attorney General Eric Holder stated, “My twelve year old [...]
MINNESOTA – What would have been a routine visit for a physical and migraine treatment, has turned into a guessing game by the media, concerning Michelle Bachman’s fitness for duty as President. Like many personal topics, her medical history has been pushed under the rug, for fear it may dissuade voters. Over the weekend The [...]
WASHINGTON, DC — Philadelphia Eagles quarterback and dogfighting entrepreneur Michael Vick told Congress today that although he was ashamed of his past behavior, he was even more ashamed of their behavior. “I fought pit pulls for status and cash – that’s puppy love compared to y’all!” he told reporters and lawmakers. “I mean you get [...]
CAPE CANAVERAL, FL — In a stunning press release from NASA, it has been revealed that Atlantis, the final vehicle in the Space Shuttle program, has taken off with secret cargo: the twelve jurors who couldn’t/ didn’t convict Casey Anthony. Space Shuttle Atlantis blasted off at 11:26 am ET Friday, under unusual cloudy and windy [...]
WASHINGTON — President Obama and Speaker of the House John Boehner have agreed to settle the budget talks themselves by staging a nationally televised dance-off and allowing the winner to make a decision. White House sources confirmed that last Sunday, President Obama and Speaker Boehner, met for a champagne brunch followed by a nondescript dance [...]
WASHINGTON D.C.—The first round of budget and debt agreement talks ended abruptly when Majority Leader, Eric Cantor, stormed out of the room leaving Vice President Biden cold. With an impending stalemate on debt negations, talks were reduced to a fateful game of “rock-paper-scissors”. According to sources, neither man would budge on his position, nor throw [...]
TORONTO – ToysBros North America has just announced its new Anthony Weiner doll set, just in time for Father’s Day. No socks or ties, or three-in-one radios this year. The Canadian import company will be selling the fully flexible and double jointed action figure in three different outfits. The “Business Casual Weiner” will be adorned [...]