VATICAN CITY – The Catholic Church has announced the selection of their new leader, Pope Francis. The Pope, the first from South America, was runner up in 2005. Many rejoiced over the election of Pope Francis, however some fear the idea of having a man who claims, ‘Can talk to God.’ The Church admits they [...]
LOS ANGELES – Fresh off her Oscar win on Sunday, actress Jennifer Lawrence was spotted leaving the San Diego Zoo covered in blood. In what appears to be a drunk celebration of her win, Lawrence hopped the fence of the Panda Exhibit and bit the head off the youngest cub. After removing the head of [...]
LOS ANGELES, CA – The Los Angeles Police Department announced early today they will be using a new investigation method in terms of finding wanted criminals. The new plan referred to as, “Guess Who,” is based off the popular board game from the 1980’s. The new method, which went into affect this morning, will allow [...]
By Steven Tobiasz CLEVELAND, OH – Laticia Anderson, local convenience store cashier, was spotted at work paying no attention to customers in line as she rang them up. People close to the situation claim Anderson was more occupied with talking to other employees about her weekend, than dealing with any of them. When one customer [...]
LOS ANGELES, CA – The Lifetime Channel has announced today that they have reached a deal with Lennay Kekua, to star in a new Lifetime Original Movie titled: LENNAY!. The story is said to be focused around the BCS National title game, where Kekua helps Notre Dame play better, by killing all of the Alabama’s [...]
PORTLAND, OR – Nancy Drury, local quilt store owner and self-proclaimed feminist, refused to take an open seat on public transit yesterday. “I’m not going to take that seat. I am perfectly fine standing, there is no need to help me out,” stated Drury. The seat reportedly remained open for the majority of Drury’s trip, [...]
By Steven Tobiasz NEWYORK, NY – As part of his new off-season workouts, Jets quarterback Mark Sanchez will partake in scenarios in which he can “blow” a game. The scenario’s, which have been coordinated by head coach Rex Ryan, are said to feature such things as: Sanchez throws a pick, Sanchez fumbles, Sanchez Cries for [...]
By Steven Tobiasz WASHINGTON, D.C. – Vice President Joe Biden announced today that he would in fact be in “black face” at the second inauguration of President Obama. Biden, who is known for his antics, is said to be a big fan of black face characters from Vaudeville. The Vice President has planned for a [...]
By Steven Tobiasz NEWARK, NJ – DMV employee of five years, Robert Portsmith was fired today for smiling at work. According to the statement released by the Department of Motor Vehicles, Portsmith was in violation of rule six in the employee handbook. The rule states: Employees are allowed to engage in conversation with our customers [...]
By Steven Tobiasz LOS ANGELES, CA – Celebrity couple Kim Kardashian and Kanye West announced this week they’re in fact expecting their first baby together after rumors of a possible child first were reported by celebrity news site TMZ. The couple appeared to be excited over the announcement, however Mr. West was reportedly “really upset” [...]
By Steven Tobiasz RICHMOND, VA – Phillip Morris, a local employee and co-worker to hundreds, was fired yesterday for sexually harassing himself at his desk. The encounter started after Morris (32), began talking to himself about how the new receptionist referred to him as “funny” and quickly escalated from there. The incident was later reported [...]
WASHINGTON – Members of both the House and Senate came together late last night and reached a final agreement over the Fiscal Cliff. This agreement came after many hours of negotiations from both sides. The final decision, a bipartisan mass suicide off the Fiscal Cliff by all members off Congress, is scheduled for tonight at [...]
WASHINGTON- The end of the year marks award season for some politicians. This years most sought after award, The Douche of Year, is currently down to two finalists, General Petraeus & Donald Trump. These two have survived the opening rounds and have made in into the two finalist positions. The winner will be chosen by [...]
Similar to our other drinking games, we have decided to put one together for you to help celebrate the approaching Holiday. Below are the rules for the various levels of the game. We highly recommend a strong vodka, to get the best results. Take 1 Shot if: 1. You get the [...]
By Steven Tobiasz CALIFORNIA – Government funded Planned Parenthood, has announced over the coming months they will be adding 10 additional doctors to each location throughout the United States. This hiring spike is due to research conducted by the department of Homeland Security that revealed an expected rise in pregnancy across the country in nine [...]
The ice cream company Ben & Jerry’s announced this week they would be releasing a line of 15 new holiday themed ice creams. The list of ice cream’s contains new holiday themes, as well as some flavors themed after major events from the past year. The new line of flavors is set to hit stores this [...]
By Steven Tobiasz CLEVELAND, OH – Proud father of two and husband, Jim Braer took to his local furniture store this week. Braer was seen purchasing a long “L-shaped” couch that would have to be delivered to his residence, after several failed attempts to load it in his SUV. The store salesman who aided Mr. [...]
IRVINE, CA – Video Game creators EA(Electronic Arts), has announced the release of the much anticipated NAACP ’12. The game, which hits stores December 20th, is said to allow you to go back in time and replay famous moments in history. Some of the events are said to include, picking which seat Rosa Parks sits [...]
By Steven Tobiasz LOS ANGELES, CA – Jeffrey Davis received an overdue notice in the mail this week for a parking ticket he received three months ago while parking in a loading zone. Davis, who has been described as a “friend” by people close to him, was reportedly waiting to pay the ticket until after [...]
By Steven Tobiasz LONDON – On Monday, sources in England confirmed the rumors and announced Duchess Kate Middleton was pregnant. Middleton, who is currently being treated for hyperemesis gravidarum, a form of morning sickness that can cause dehydration, has not yet spoken with the media about the announcement. No formal statement from Prince William was released [...]
By Steven Tobiasz VATICAN CITY – In a surprise announcement this morning, the Catholic Church has stated that Pope Benedict XVI has officially joined the social networking site, Twitter. The Church believes this will facilitate its initiative to stay current on popular social trends and outreach to Catholics across the world. Cardinal John T. Westin, [...]
By Steven Tobiasz WASHINGTON – President Obama today announced provisions to the much debated Dream Act. These new policies, which will take affect immediately will allow some 20-30 landscapers come and work on the White House lawn in hopes to maintain its neat and pristine look. The new policy in which Mr. Obama is believed [...]
By Steven Tobiasz WASHINGTON — In the hopes that most of our readers will make it through this Thanksgiving, we would like to present you with a drinking game to help you survive those uniquely “fun” family moments that only Thanksgiving evokes. The game is broken into categories by how much you have to drink. [...]
By Steven Tobiasz NEW YORK — New Jersey Governor Chris Christie made a surprise guest appearance this past weekend on Saturday Night Live. During a segment for the weekend update, Christie came on air to discuss the damage from hurricane Sandy, as well as his favorite thing to wear – his personalized fleece. Critics were quick [...]
By Steven Tobiasz WASHINGTON – Famed street magician and performer of non-magic magic acts David Blaine is at is again. This morning, Blaine’s personal manager announced that David would be revealing another politically themed “magic” trick for the entire nation to behold. Below are the key talking points delivered by Blaine’s manager from yesterday morning’s [...]
By Steven Tobiasz WASHINGTON – The 2012 election came to an end last week with Republican Nominee Mitt Romney losing to current President Barack Obama. After taking a week off for time to soak in the loss and the idea of waisting five years of his life, Romney has decided to announce a new campaign, [...]
By Steven Tobaisz BOSTON – After this Tuesday’s vote to legalize gay marriage in the state of Massachusetts, many residents took the the streets to celebrate the historic night. Around 10pm Eastern Time it was believed a large crowd began gathering in downtown Boston with lights and torches, according to a report filled by local [...]
By Steven Tobiasz WASHINGTON – President Obama was pleased to announce yesterday, yet another winner had been crowned in their monthly game of Excuse Lottery. This months winner is General Petraeus who was holding the current position of CIA Director. After finding out he had won, ironically just a few days after Obama’s re-election, Petraeus submitted [...]
By Steve Tobiasz CHICAGO – President Barack Obama won his re-election campaign tonight, electrifying voters across the nation and offering unanticipated data to researchers. Dr. Terrence Claudens, a senior biochemist from the University of California at Berkley, started a study four years ago in search of veracity behind the age-old theory of “once you go [...]
By Steve Tobiasz WASHINGTON – Congress has ordered today that all United States Flags be flown at half mast in honor of this year’s campaign and what it has meant for politics in the country overall. The order was passed late last night and announced to the public earlier this morning. Many believe this is [...]
By Steve Tobiasz WASHINGTON—The Romney campaign was quick to jump on President Obama this past week over what they claim to have been “another broken campaign promise.” Last Sunday, the president was spotted attending First Saint Peters Church in Washington, D.C., which the Romney camp claims goes against a campaign promise to never fully show [...]
By Steve Tobiasz WASHINGTON—An ABC Gallup poll released earlier this week revealed some troubling results for the Obama campaign. The poll, conducted in eight swing states across the country, asked white, undecided voters who they favored more in the election. The results of the poll favored Republican nominee Mitt Romney, with 56 percent of those [...]
By Steve Tobiasz MASSACHUSETTS—In a press conference on Friday morning, presidential candidate Mitt Romney revealed more personal information to Ohio voters in an attempt to make himself seem more relatable. Romney told the crowd of thousands that he has been privately collecting oven mitts, which he refers to as “Mitt’s Mitts.” A transcript of Romney’s [...]
By Steven Tobiasz WASHINGTON – The Associated Press announced yesterday that it has successfully obtained Vice President Joe Biden’s dream journal. The journal is said to contain all of Biden’s dreams dating back to the year 1987, when he wrote the first entry. “We were shocked and in disbelief when we were first told this [...]
By Steve Tobiasz WASHINGTON – Even several days after the Vice Presidential debate – an event which many critics feel was a victory for Joe Biden – many new details are rolling out that were previously swept under the proverbial rug. Apart from reports that Biden had won the debate, many comments were also made [...]
By Steve Tobiasz DENVER — Although the first presidential debate at the University of Denver campus concluded in a victory for Mitt Romney, questions remained unaswered concerning Obama’s poor performance. Nevertheless, however news outlets have learned that post-debate, Obama was much more alive and focused. “We are aware that Mr. Obama was not on his best [...]
By Steve Tobiasz DENVER – More sad news came out of Colorado late Wednesday night, as another tragic event took place at a popular movie theatre during a showing of The Master. Authorities responded to several 911 calls around the eleven o’clock hour from a local twelve-screen theatre in Grand Junction, Colorado. “At this time, [...]
By Steve Tobiasz WASHINGTON – The anti-bullying group STOP IT! [Lispy] announced plans on Tuesday to launch a new campaign against bullying. Known for speaking out against bullying back in 2007, STOP IT! is ready to launch their second campaign this time with a different message. “We wanted to change the tone of our new [...]
By Steve Tobiasz WEST PALM BEACH, FL – Longtime Republican radio personality Rush Limbaugh was hospitalized late last night after citing sharp pains coming from the front of his neck. After being admitted to the hospital, doctors were surprised to find a copy of the 1st Amendment Rights underneath Limbaugh’s third chin. Doctors were baffled as [...]
By Steve Tobiasz WASHINGTON – The epidemic that changed the homeless world forever turned thirty this year. Having begun in the late eighties, the Sharpie Epidemic has seen its ups and downs over the years. Below is a timeline of events for the Epidemic throughout its thirty year history. May 2nd, 1982: CBS [...]
By Steven Tobiasz WASHINGTON – Over the past week, several protests have erupted at U.S. Embassies across the globe, often ending in violence and death. On Friday, the protests continued with this violent theme as they hit home on U.S. soil. Around 12:00 PM CST, crowds began gathering at the the United States Embassy in [...]
By Steven Tobaisz CHARLOTTE – The final day of the DNC ended yesterday on a high note after an address from President Barack Obama. However, what happened post-convention was quite troubling. After Obama’s speech had ended, crowds began fleeing the downtown Charlotte area, many of which were stopped at various police checkpoints set up throughout [...]
By Steven Tobiasz CHARLOTTE – Chris Hanson, the longtime voice behind the popular show Dateline: To Catch A Predator, was in Charlotte on Thursday. Normally one to confront predators for their specific and lewd online conversations with underage children, Hanson was on a different mission this time. According to undisclosed sources, Obama was returning to [...]
By Steven Tobiasz CHARLOTTE – The first day of the DNC began on a sour note earlier Tuesday, when Secret Service Agents opened fired on a crowd killing three and wounding hundreds. Shots were first reported around the 11am hour as crowds gathered outside the Time Warner Cable Stadium in Charlotte. President Obama was [...]
By Steve Tobiasz NEW HAMPSHIRE – Presidential hopeful Mitt Romney announced on Tuesday that he had successfully lowered his support among African American voters from 15% to 0%. Results from a recent NBC/Wall Street Journal Poll revealed that the Republican Candidate would receive 0% of support among African American voters confirming what the Romney campaign had declared “a success.” “This [...]
By Steve Tobiasz TAMPA – Last night wrapped the final day of the RNC convention as Clint Eastwood spoke as a guest speaker at the convention. After his well applauded speech, Eastwood was seen back stage engaging in a shouting match between a set of four folding chairs. He was escorted to leave [...]
By Steve Tobiasz TAMPA – The second day of RNC is set to begin today with speeches coming from several big name Republicans. One Republican, however, is set to miss the day’s activities – due to nap time. According to reports yesterday, former Presidential Candidate Ron Paul was noticed fast asleep in the back corner [...]
By Steve Tobiasz TAMPA – RNC Chairman Reince Preibus has announced the addition of a “Games Section” for a memorable grand finale to the Republican National Convention. This section of the Convention will play host to some great Republican past times, incorporating a diversity of entertainment options for every kind of conservative. Among the attractions [...]
By Steven Tobiasz WASHINGTON – Robert Forrister, a spokesman for the NTA (National Tie Association), said on Wednesday that he was unhappy with the lack of support and respect shown by each party’s candidate and that his group is being neglected. “The past several weeks have gotten ‘casual’ on the campaign trail as both presidential and vice presidential candidates [...]
COLUMBUS – President Barack Obama was giving a speech at a rally in the battleground state of Ohio when his coveted teleprompter collapsed suddenly. A maintenance worker was quickly rushed on the scene to attend to the stand, yet its damage was far too serious to be repaired during the speech. Once the stand was removed from [...]
By Steve Tobiasz TAMPA – The first day of the Republican National Convention was canceled earlier today much to the dismay of it’s supporters. “It has come to our attention that party mascot Sarah Palin has been set free from her holding cell and is roaming freely around Tampa,” a spokesman for the RNC said [...]
By Steve Tobiasz WASHINGTON – The Romney Campaign announced today that plans have been set in motion for the presidential hopeful to release his first sex book. The book, which is entitled, The Art Of Changing Positions, is set to be released in early November and will be full of useful tips on how to throw off your partner [...]
By Steve Tobiasz WASHINGTON — President Obama’s Press Secretary Jay Carney announced this week that Mr. Obama would be releasing two years’ worth of items he pinned while using the popular social site “Pinterest.” “The President is running a campaign on transparency and wants the American people to know what he feels is important information and to share his [...]
By Steve Tobiasz WASHINGTON — CSPAN, the premier channel that broadcasts live congressional hearings and receives notoriously low ratings, saw a remarkable change in their numbers this past week. Thanks to Congress being on its summer hiatus, CSPAN has continued its live broadcasts inside the Senate and House floors with increased popularity. These gains were the highest [...]