By Thomas Moore ANNAPOLIS—After years of development, the United States Navy has finally perfected a “Gaydar” device that can rapidly distinguish the sexual orientation of its service members. “We need to know who these people are, and we need to know quickly,” said a Navy spokesperson. “We’ve found that the issue of homosexuals in the [...]
By Thomas Moore RONPAULVILLE, IN — In the heart of the MidWest, a town has dedicted itself to the spirit of Ron Paul’s campaign and political life. RonPaulville, Indiana is difficult to find for outsiders, but is a slice of pure Americana. ”There used to be a forest over here,” says elderly resident Emmitt Cobbs, “but [...]
By Thomas Moore III Chairman Reince Priebus (WI): Okay, any unfinished business? Orrin Hatch (Utah): I’m sorry, Mr. Chairman, I’m still a little thrown off by your name. I don’t know how to say it, and I’m not sure where it came from. Priebus: It’s Reince. I’ve explained this like ten times. I even staged [...]
BEIJING 中国新闻 – Early this morning, the U.S. announced that it had downgraded its threat assessment of the Chinese military, due to the fact all of its weapons and equipment are manufactured in China. “We used to examine Chinese troop movements from a satellite,” says former CIA spook Bob Johnson, sipping a cup of steaming noodles. [...]
By Thomas Moore WASHINGTON — As an extension of his surprisingly popular campaign, GOP candidate Rick Santorum is promising to crack down on phallic foods if elected President. “Over the years, the gay community has made sure that hot dogs become longer and wider,” commented Santorum to fans in Iowa, and “that sausages have become [...]
By Thomas Moore III BUCHAREST — With Romania indicating that it is now bankrupt, new concerns about the European Union are surfacing, after the initial surprise that Romania was actually in the European Union. It is slowly becoming apparent that Romania was mismanaged, inherently corrupt, and shockingly inefficient, which confirmed that it was indeed part [...]
By Thomas Moore III BONGA — After the largest oil spill in Nigeria since 1998, Royal Dutch Shell is getting right on top of the problem by immediately apologizing. The UN had already recommended a cleanup of the Niger Delta, which if undertaken would be the world’s largest cleanup, but another 40,000 barrels at least have [...]
BERLIN — After coming up with bailouts that briefly stabilized both Greece and Portugal, financial powerhouse Germany is turning their eye to the stumbling National Basketball Association. The NBA is faced with a long-term labor dispute that will drain pockets on both sides, and the bailout would be much needed. The players union advised its [...]
LOS ANGELES — Mark Peterson is one of the staunchest opponents of Proposition 8 you’ll find in California. More specifically, Peterson is best known as the minister who married Kim Kardashian, whose marriage dissolved in 72 days. Peterson was interviewed at his part-time job, a chapel in Las Vegas known for performing a marriage every [...]
DALLAS — After extensive polling, the GOP has realized that the average Rick Perry supporter has him confused with former Journey lead singer Steve Perry. Rick Perry’s support has dwindled ever since this knowledge has become public. The first hint of trouble emerged when the GOP reviewed transcripts of telephone polls and discovered a common [...]
WASHINGTON — Tired of being blamed for the country’s economic woes, and prodded by the ‘Occupy Wall Street’ movement, Wall Street is striking back. Bankers have united to form the ‘Occupy Main Street’ movement. In certain key cities, bankers intend to organize protests to voice their frustrations. ”We are job creators,” said Vice President of Bank of [...]
When asked to comment on what exactly the extra $5 from debit card fees will go towards, a Bank of America rep. told TWF he would “get back to us on that.” Bank of America, the largest depostor of consumer funds in the United States has, introduced a $5 monthly debit fee to their customers. [...]
It’s always scary to be slightly behind a societal shift. There had to be a point in the late seventies during which someone emerged from his or her house in plaid bell-bottoms and platform shoes, and somewhere around their morning coffee, realized that no one was dressed like them except for the people staying at [...]
In one horrible summer, we have seen Casey Anthony walk and Troy Davis die. It’s the sort of thing that partially explains why sometimes black people can be a little abrasive when it comes to the authorities. When Casey Anthony first appeared in court, she was haggard, pale, sort of confused. But when the trail [...]
ATLANTA — Experts cannot agree on a consistent value for a human life, because it is impossible to find consistent standards. This discussion is causing problems for all sorts of professionals in government, insurance underwriters, actuaries and others. The average person should have life insurance policies that may provide them between $10,000-$100,000 dollars. However, if [...]
Recently, movie subscription service Netflix increased its prices 60% for customers who subscribed to both stream movies as well as receive actual DVDs. In actuality, this price hike is part of a time-honored sales tradition called “bait and switch.” I have not seen a public figure turn from beloved to despised this quickly since Hulk [...]
- Libyan rebels entered Tripoli this week, effectively ending Muammar’s Gadhafi reign over the country and signaling a big victory for President Barack Obama’s foreign policy. In related news, Michelle Obama was overheard telling a close personal friend, “He actually doesn’t look bad in them,” signaling yet another big victory for President Obama’s “Thong Thursdays” policy. [...]
Dear Southerners, Sit down. We need to talk. First of all, let’s start out with the positive. Most great food in the country comes from you. I can’t face life without biscuits. A lot of our character and grit comes from you. I’m a Yankee. I can’t contemplate hunting, cleaning and preparing an animal. I [...]
LONDON – It seemed odd to have a collection of iconic American Presidents here in London, but the interview was conducted by News of the World staffers, and the idea of a dead newspaper interviewing dead men was irresistable to parties. All of the great men collected here were concerned about the direction of the country they [...]
MEMPHIS — When the Tea Party became unhappy that their presidential candidates were willing to raise the debt ceiling, a national search began for the country’s most intransigent politicians. The Tea Party wants candidates who take America seriously – someone who is new to the political scene, but who lives his (or her) life with [...]
NEW ORLEANS — From a helicopter, it is easy to see the 61-mile wide coral reef jutting out of the murky Gulf of Mexico. Plumes of oil swirl like a Chiaroscuro painting. It is, of course, sediment with the oil 400 feet below the surface. The impact on local fishermen has been catastrophic, but the [...]
July 24, 2011 – I turned into an innocous-looking small shop in Northeast Philadelphia and sat in a chair by the door. The outside of the building was peppered with small pieces of stained glass, informally arranging into patterns and shining like small, oddly-shaped stars. The proprieter indicated that he needed a little more time [...]
MEXICO CITY – Last year, Mexico made 11.9 billion dollars in tourism, and intends to make even more revenue in the future, despite a gruesome drug war that has claimed over 37,000 lives. Mexico’s President, Felipe Calderon, plans to accomplish this by increase tourism by fueling the war. Most experts thought Rudolfo Negrete of the [...]
The following is a transcript of the dialogue held on the Senate Floor, dated July 7th, 2011, at 12 o’clock noon. Reports from The Washington Fancy recorded the subsequent discussion concerning U.S. foreign relations and interests in African nations — Joe Biden [Delaware]: Okay, productive day here. Anything we [...]
MARIETTA, GA — Georgia faces a billion dollar loss of key crops this season, and it’s projected to get even worse when pecans and cotton are ready to be harvested. With the states crackdown on immigration, migrant workers have left the state in droves. And somehow, no one saw it coming. Georgia has an unemployment [...]
TUSCON- At present, Arizona is suffering the worst fire in its history, although officials are quick to state that it is in fact, a dry heat. The fire has consumed 734 square miles so far, roughly the size of a small United States county, destroying 32 homes and causing $31.7 million dollars in damage. Nearby [...]
ABBOTTABAD –The White House reluctantly released additional information on the raid and the lead- up to the killing of Osama Bin Laden. It contradicted information previously provided to the public yet again, igniting a backlash against the Obama administration’s handling of the issue. Initial reports indicated that discovery of the Al Qaeda Chief’s couriers led [...]