WASHINGTON- Red-faced defense department officials confirmed today that a Chinese cyber-assault was successful in penetrating their outer layers of security, sending quivers through the Pentagon. After loosening up the network, the hackers stripped off the underlying layers of defense and proceeded to violate the system. The pounding continued repeatedly throughout the evening, climaxing around midnight. [...]
Feb 26 2013 | Posted in
Administration |
Read More »
WASHINGTON – The United States Postal Service announced Thursday that it would no longer deliver mail on Saturdays, ending an historic prohibition on Jewish mailcarriers. Members of the Jewish faith are prohibited from working on Saturdays, as per the customs of the Sabbath. Postmaster General Patrick Donahoe announced yesterday plans to end weekend delivery, as [...]
Feb 11 2013 | Posted in
Administration |
Read More »
WASHINGTON – The Department of Health Services reported Monday that Immigration reforms proposed last week would cause a massive spike in the average American’s ability to run and work for prolonged amounts of time. The legal recognition of America’s 11 million undocumented and able-bodied immigrants could almost double the AAC (Average Aerobic Capacity) of the [...]
Feb 11 2013 | Posted in
Administration |
Read More »
By Brandon J. Weichert WASHINGTON, D.C.—Washington has had a spending problem for the last twenty years or so, according to many political pundits. To critics of the large federal bureaucracy, they find it to be wasteful. At one time or another, it has been claimed that organizations like the Pentagon have spent “$400 on a [...]
Jan 31 2013 | Posted in
Administration |
Read More »
By J. S. Garner WASHINGTON – Emasculated lawmakers emerged Wednesday from the Congressional hearings on Benghazi after Secretary of State Clinton repeatedly reminded the men on each panel that she makes more money than they do and that she was “just faking it” during the confirmation hearings in 2009. In an unusually high-pitched voice, Sen. [...]
Jan 24 2013 | Posted in
Administration |
Read More »
By Matt Stickles WASHINGTON D.C. – Sources confirmed earlier this week that Joe Biden failed a pre-inauguration drug screening, which is mandatory for the office of the Vice President. The drug screening was conducted through a urine sampling, in which the Vice President tested positive for marijuana, cocaine, and pain pills for which he has [...]
Jan 22 2013 | Posted in
Administration |
Read More »
By Dale C. Anthony Washington- Sonia Sotomayor threatened to sue The New York Times for libel unless it retracts controversial statements she reportedly made during a recent interview in which her upcoming book and DC living were discussed. Sotomayor denied ever having uttered complaints that “there isn’t a place I call where it doesn’t take [...]
Jan 15 2013 | Posted in
Administration |
Read More »
By Benjamin Bortosky WASHINGTON – In the wake of their recent meeting, Vice President Biden and NRA leadership have agreed to settle their debate over gun control with pistols at dawn. The Administration and the NRA agreed that the combatants will use their weapon of choice, take three paces, turn and fire. The one left [...]
Jan 14 2013 | Posted in
Administration |
Read More »
By Dale C. Anthony DALLAS- Fulfilling a long-standing agreement in which area man stipulated that the loss of his gun and religion must occur “over [his] dead body”, President Obama will attend his funeral today in order to pay respect to surviving loved-ones, wipe a single tear from the corner of his eye with his [...]
Jan 14 2013 | Posted in
Administration |
Read More »
By: Peter Coburn President Obama and former Massachusetts governor Mitt Romney met for lunch in the Oval Office on Thursday. This was the first time the two have met face to face since their presidential debates two months prior. Secretaries and other officials standing outside of the office reported hearing shouting and the breaking of [...]
Dec 3 2012 | Posted in
Administration |
Read More »
By Chris Todd WASHINGTON—President Obama held his first press conference in three months this morning, inviting many of the hardest hitters in the news media. Most analysts speculated that the event would center on important issues such as the conflict in Syria and unemployment. However, the President used this opportunity to take questions on his [...]
Oct 22 2012 | Posted in
Administration |
Read More »
By Steve Tobiasz DENVER – More sad news came out of Colorado late Wednesday night, as another tragic event took place at a popular movie theatre during a showing of The Master. Authorities responded to several 911 calls around the eleven o’clock hour from a local twelve-screen theatre in Grand Junction, Colorado. “At this time, [...]
Oct 2 2012 | Posted in
Administration |
Read More »
By Constable Perkins WASHINGTON — As the race against Mitt Romney solidifies, President Barack Obama is rolling out an ambitious plan to reclaim many of the so-called Reagan Democrats that were influential to his success in 2008 and that will be a key target of his opponent’s efforts this fall. According to campaign advisors, Obama [...]
Oct 1 2012 | Posted in
Administration |
Read More »
By David Epstein WASHINGTON — Like all fathers trying to find the perfect birthday gift for a finicky 11-year-old girl, Rich Dollars agonized over what to buy for his daughter, Mesmerized. She had dropped her fair share of hints in the weeks leading up to the day she turned 12, but Rich wanted to surprise her. [...]
Sep 24 2012 | Posted in
Administration |
Read More »
By Chris Todd WASHINGTON—As the United States’ economy continues to struggle, the Treasury Department has finally come up with a plan it believes will put the country on the right track to recovery. Timothy Geithner has announced that the U.S. government will be investing most of its assets into Beanie Babies. “The U.S. economy has [...]
Sep 20 2012 | Posted in
Administration |
Read More »
COLUMBUS – President Barack Obama was giving a speech at a rally in the battleground state of Ohio when his coveted teleprompter collapsed suddenly. A maintenance worker was quickly rushed on the scene to attend to the stand, yet its damage was far too serious to be repaired during the speech. Once the stand was removed from [...]
Aug 28 2012 | Posted in
Administration |
Read More »
By Steve Tobiasz WASHINGTON — President Obama’s Press Secretary Jay Carney announced this week that Mr. Obama would be releasing two years’ worth of items he pinned while using the popular social site “Pinterest.” “The President is running a campaign on transparency and wants the American people to know what he feels is important information and to share his [...]
Aug 20 2012 | Posted in
Administration |
Read More »
By Brandon J. Weichert LOS ANGELES—As the nation waits for several provisions of the highly controversial Affordable Care Act to go into effect, there is one that Hollywood plans to exploit immediately. Mark Burnett, producer of such hits as Survivor and Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader? has been given a green light by FOX Television [...]
Aug 6 2012 | Posted in
Administration |
Read More »
By Brandon J. Weichert ALEPPO/ WASHINGTON – In recent weeks, Syrian President Bashar al-Assad confessed that the Syrian regime did possess Weapons of Mass Destruction, but reassured the international community that he would reserve those “Tools of Liberation only for Godless Foreigners like the Christian Crusaders and Zionist Pigs.” White House Press Secretary Jay Carney [...]
Aug 3 2012 | Posted in
Administration |
Read More »
By Peter Coburn WASHINGTON—The Supreme Court upheld the Patent Protection and Affordable Healthcare Act on a 5-4 decision last Thursday, June 28th. Although the act was designed with the healthcare of American citizens in mind, it is beginning unintended consequences. “Obamacare – over my dead body!” shouted Kevin Lambart, said a DC protestor in May. [...]
Jul 6 2012 | Posted in
Administration |
Read More »
By Shaun P Kunz CUPERTINO, CA — Apple has been accused of playing a financial shell game in order to avoid the billions in taxes the IRS says would otherwise be due. This has driven The (People’s) Republic of California and the Administration to propose new creative legislation. Now that the summertime is here and [...]
May 8 2012 | Posted in
Administration |
Read More »
By Chris McKerracher The following is a transcript of a conversation hacked by Wikileaks and put on the Internet because they can. It is between US Secretary of State Hillary Clinton and blind Chinese dissident Chen Guangchen. Chen: Mrs. Clinton! Thank you so much for supporting my efforts of freedom. I am calling to give [...]
Apr 30 2012 | Posted in
Administration |
Read More »
By Chris McKerracher WASHINGTON — “Of course it’s a big honor just to be discussed for the position,” Secretary of State Hillary Clinton said confidentially to an anonymous friend on Monday over lunch, unaware an un-named British media tycoon had authorized hacking into her phone to record the conversation. “Still, I love the work I [...]
Apr 24 2012 | Posted in
Administration |
Read More »
By Chris McKerracher WASHINGTON — Highly placed officials in the Secret Service have forced “early retirement” on operative David Randall Chaney for his gross display of poor judgment. “He was checking out Palin, for crying out loud,” snorted the disgusted SS spokesman. His identity is being kept secret due to threats of water-boarding for non-compliant [...]
Apr 23 2012 | Posted in
Administration |
Read More »
By Chris McKerracher WASHINGTON — If Barack Obama regains the presidency this November, he will officially be looking for a new Secretary of State. Hillary Clinton has announced she will not seek a seat in the upcoming election in order to pursue her dream of joining the Professional Bowlers Circuit. Clinton admitted, with a slight [...]
Apr 19 2012 | Posted in
Administration |
Read More »
By Chris McKerracher WASHINGTON — The White House has announced a new “green technology” initiative as part of their strategy to reduce US dependency on foreign oil. Officials from both the Environmental Protection Agency and the Department of Energy were on hand for the announcement. “This new initiative is so simple, I can’t believe it [...]
Apr 18 2012 | Posted in
Administration |
Read More »
By Chris McKerracher WASHINGTON — In order to try and reach out to people beyond his usual demographic, White House Press Secretary Jay Carney has announced President Obama will be driving a car in an upcoming NASCAR event. “The President will be racing in an American-made Chevrolet Aveo to show leadership in the goal of encouraging [...]
Apr 17 2012 | Posted in
Administration |
Read More »
By Chris McKerracher WASHINGTON — To clarify their position on marriage rights for the nation, the White House has laid out a bold, new initiative at a press conference this morning. The ambitious plan involves scrapping the entire institution of marriage, as it is “out of date, out of touch and out of step with [...]
Apr 17 2012 | Posted in
Administration |
Read More »
By Peter Coburn WASHINGTON–The controversial Obamacare legislation is currently working its way through the Supreme Court, and with the widely anticipated decision due in June, the Supreme Court justices are already forming opinions. Through three days of questioning and grilling about the landmark legislation, unofficial results have been leaked. “I think it’s safe to say [...]
Apr 10 2012 | Posted in
Administration |
Read More »
By Jahs BROWNSVILLE, TX — Witnesses heard cheers across the Rio Grande in the southernmost tip of Texas coming from Matamoros as people learned of ‘unlawful presence waivers.’ As news spread through the shantytowns along the border that the waivers would halt deportations, chants of “Gran es Obama!” and “Gran es hermana mayor!” filled the [...]
Apr 9 2012 | Posted in
Administration |
Read More »
By Peter Coburn WASHINGTON — In response to harsh criticism from political opponents, President Obama has been urged by his supporters to go on the offensive. Obama recently decided to make good by his supporters by taking harsher tones during his speeches. To accurately display his aggression during his speech, transcribed copies of his speeches [...]
Apr 3 2012 | Posted in
Administration |
Read More »
By David Epstein WASHINGTON – Top Republicans in Washington responded quickly and negatively to President Obama’s recent partisan assertion that, upon walking outside the White House this morning, the weather was “beautiful.” The President made the remark within earshot of reporters while walking to the Oval Office. The temperature in Washington the past week has been significantly [...]
Mar 21 2012 | Posted in
Administration |
Read More »
“Here you go, buddy – just take one of these, five times a day, every day, and you should be fine for Arts & Crafts.” By Cy Guevara WASHINGTON – As the number of panic attacks, car accidents, and slow service in drive-thru lanes at fast-food restaurants seems to be driving America to the point of [...]
Mar 12 2012 | Posted in
Administration |
Read More »
ARLINGTON – As the new Secretary of Defense, Former CIA director Leon Panetta is wasting no time in announcing some of the changes he will implement at the Pentagon. Panetta has already confirmed that, using his covert experience at the CIA, he plans to turn the Defense Department invisible. “The Pentagon is currently one of [...]
Mar 7 2012 | Posted in
Administration |
Read More »
By Shaun Kunz WASHINGTON D.C.—Energy Secretary Steven Chu announced today that he would be retiring at the end of Obama’s first term if things didn’t get more exciting. “I’m bored with the uninteresting debates over oil prices, inane quibbling about green energy, and the banal urgings of the ‘Drill Baby Drill’ scene. I need something [...]
Mar 5 2012 | Posted in
Administration |
Read More »
By Rachel Gilbert WASHINGTON — In a wide-ranging interview today, Vice President Joe Biden told reporters of his intention to build a high speed rail line between the Naval Observatory and the White House. “It’s going to happen,” the Vice President said. “I’ve seen the plans and it’s coming soon.” Biden explained that he first [...]
Feb 28 2012 | Posted in
Administration |
Read More »
By Kate Incandeza CHICAGO — The newest environmental crisis has an unlikely source: Barack Obama. The President’s approval rating has hit an all time low; consequently, Obama apparel is being discarded in record amounts. When he ran for President in 2008, Obama created an Obama-wear bubble. T-shirt sales skyrocketed, and stocks in companies like American [...]
Feb 27 2012 | Posted in
Administration |
Read More »
By David Epstein WASHINGTON – Bank Of America yesterday sent a notarized letter to the White House at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue indicating that, according to their records, mortgage payments on the building “have not been made in decades,” and that as a result it would have to foreclose on the property. When reached for further questions, Bank of [...]
Feb 23 2012 | Posted in
Administration |
Read More »
By Andrew Bryant WASHINGTON – Reports are surfacing this week that gaming software developers Infinity Ward and Activision are teaming up with the Obama Administration to co-produce this year’s addition to the popular Call of Duty franchise. The game is said to feature an extensive multiplayer platform, where gamers can choose to battle opponents as [...]
Feb 22 2012 | Posted in
Administration |
Read More »
By Eric Kean SANTA MONICA—A light aircraft landed safely on an illegal immigrant near the coast of Santa Monica yesterday, following a horrific ordeal lasting almost an hour. The Cessna 404 was headed towards a dinner party in Beverly Hills when the engine of the plane suddenly stalled. The veteran pilot, who identified himself as [...]
Feb 16 2012 | Posted in
Administration |
Read More »
By Stephen Brady WASHINGTON — Postmaster General Patrick Donahoe revealed on Monday that the United States Postal Service may be forced to shut down by next July if the government refuses to offer it a bailout. The shutdown would result in up to 200,000 layoffs by the end of February, but Donahoe assured reporters that [...]
Feb 15 2012 | Posted in
Administration |
Read More »
By Kenny Heidt HONOLULU—President Obama and his administration are doing damage control today after informing Asian and Pacific Island diplomats that “Pacific Rim jobs are key to stimulating growth in this country and around the world. The more Pacific Rim jobs we can get, the better people will feel and optimism will rise.” The crowd [...]
Feb 14 2012 | Posted in
Administration |
Read More »
By Garrett Baldwin BIRMINGHAM — A controversial new law has passed the Alabama legislature that will force all citizens to carry guns into work environments that the state government considers “dangerous.” “David’s Law” would require that all citizens purchase, secure, and train with a gun in order to reduce workplace violence. The proposed law is [...]
Feb 10 2012 | Posted in
Administration |
Read More »
By Ryan Chase WASHINGTON — Enlightened by a lunatic urinating on the White House lawn on Wednesday night, President Obama was surprised to learn that he was and still is expected to save the world. The raving man angrily explained this to the president before he was carried away and brutally beaten by members of [...]
Feb 7 2012 | Posted in
Administration |
Read More »
By Jahs Greene WASHINGTON—As the result of cases brought forth by various groups concerning the “natural born” clause in the US Constitution, the Justices have implemented a new ruling. In a 5-4 decision, the Supreme Court determined that the term “natural born citizen” will take on the same application as “born-again Christians.” Thanks to Planned [...]
Feb 6 2012 | Posted in
Administration |
Read More »
By Chris Todd WASHINGTON — Leon Panetta’s proposed 2013 US Department of Defense budget contains billions of dollars in cuts compared to previous years. The deep cuts will focus on reducing the number of soldiers overseas and an increase in unmanned drones. This move by the Defense Department is sure to save the country billions [...]
Feb 1 2012 | Posted in
Administration |
Read More »
By Kate Incandeza WASHINGTON—Citing public disappointment with Obama and public adulation of Alec Baldwin, Democrats have announced a campaign to rally behind Baldwin for the party nomination. Recent research shows Americans favor Baldwin because of his innate confidence. “Baldwin makes clear he’s a winner,” etymologist Adrian Kurtz insightfully explains, “Nobama on the other hand…” “Our [...]
Jan 31 2012 | Posted in
Administration |
Read More »
By Shaun Kunz Detroit SWAT proceeds to enter the Frontier Airlines flight after distressed passengers report “suspicious activity” in the rear restroom. DETROIT—Two couples were apprehended for “suspicious activity” and “reckless endangerment” on a Frontier Airlines flight yesterday, having set off the smoke alarm and causing considerable noise in the plane’s rear bathroom. John and [...]
Jan 30 2012 | Posted in
Administration |
Read More »
By Douglas Timothy NEAR LAS VEGAS — Former Speaker of the House and Republican presidential candidate Newt Gingrich expressed his support today for turning Yucca Mountain, a repository for toxic nuclear waste, into a repository for the nation’s homeless population. The Yucca Mountain Nuclear Waste Repository has been a contentious issue for years, pitting Republicans [...]
Jan 27 2012 | Posted in
Administration |
Read More »
By Paul Peterson WASHINGTON – In his State of the Union Address last night, President Obama stated that the U.S. decade-long involvement in Afghanistan must end with the Afghani government relocating from its makeshift headquarters in the basement of the U.S. Embassy to its own building. According to the President, the Afghan government must have all [...]
Jan 25 2012 | Posted in
Administration |
Read More »
By Kate Incandeza TAMPA – As Florida reaches the frigid temperatures every other state calls “Spring,” unexpected health problems have begun to occur in the sunshine state. “We are seeing an uptick in residents admitted to the hospital who have symptoms of hypothermia,” said Valerie Ramirez, a nurse at Tampa General Hospital. In fact, hypothermia [...]
Jan 25 2012 | Posted in
Administration |
Read More »
By Delia Hersh WASHINGTON — Last week, President Obama took a trip to Disney World to announce his plan to boost U.S. tourism through speedy visa processing, unsuccessfully hoping to distract voters from the Republican primaries taking place in Florida. Obama speech described his new initiatives, focused on promoting tourism from China and Brazil, because “Chinese [...]
Jan 24 2012 | Posted in
Administration |
Read More »
HARTFORD, CT — After Obama’s suggested a proposal to tax the wealthiest tier of the American population, Connecticut is preparing to take a cue from Texas and secede. “We don’t want to do it,” Governor Dannel P. Malloy says, “but you don’t mess with Connecticut.” As the state with the highest median income, Connecticut’s population [...]
Jan 20 2012 | Posted in
Administration |
Read More »
“Look, no one was watching when we nuked Hiroshima and Nagasaki.” By James Shea WASHINGTON– Citing issues of national security, government secrecy, and a strong need for “a minute to get some stuff together,” President Obama asked the entire nation to please turn around, just for a quick second, in a press conference last Thursday. [...]
Jan 18 2012 | Posted in
Administration |
Read More »
By Kate Incandeza WASHINGTON — President Obama is upset, and it’s not because he’s being called “Lil’ Bush.” On Tuesday morning, the President voiced his opinion that Facebook is “taking away all of the attention I should be getting.” Obama said that he recently conducted a series of covert experiments which revealed that 64% of [...]
Jan 17 2012 | Posted in
Administration |
Read More »
By Constable Perkins LOS ANGELES — U.S. Secretary of Education Arne Duncan is visiting schools across the country to advocate for education reforms backed by President Obama. This Tuesday, instead of the message, it was Duncan himself who dominated discussion amongst Malibu housewives as they dropped off their youngsters at Westinghouse Elementary. “He stepped his strong [...]
Jan 10 2012 | Posted in
Administration |
Read More »
By David Epstein WASHINGTON—President Obama recently touched off extreme anger among Senate Republicans by using his authority to make recess appointments to name Richard Cordray as the head of the Consumer Finance Protection Bureau. This maneuvering by Obama has incensed Senate Republicans, who see the move as an extra-constitutional power grab. Their initiative to oppose the creation [...]
Jan 9 2012 | Posted in
Administration |
Read More »
By Kenny Heidt KEYSTONE, SOUTH DAKOTA — President Obama is scheduled to take a trip to Mount Rushmore and announce a new jobs program for the state of South Dakota: construction of a second monument. However, unlike the first Mount Rushmore, which depicted some of the top presidents in US history, the second monument will feature [...]
Jan 5 2012 | Posted in
Administration |
Read More »
WASHINGTON — Beginning in February, voters in Oklahoma can influence the outcome of statewide elections by supersizing their happy meals. State lawmakers yesterday passed “Vote By the Pound,” the first law in the nation to use a person’s body weight to determine the weight his or her vote will carry at the polls. Oklahoma Governor [...]
Jan 4 2012 | Posted in
Administration |
Read More »
By Lorenzo Rearden Washington, D.C. — The rumor mill on Capitol Hill is abuzz right now, as numerous beltway insiders have confirmed that Jill Biden is thinking about filing for divorce from her husband in light of the Vice President’s refusal to join her at the couples cooking class that Jill’s mother got them for Christmas. This [...]
Jan 2 2012 | Posted in
Administration |
Read More »
By Cy Guevara PLANET EARTH — This week, Bank of America (BofA) casually moved $75 trillion in derivatives from its “investment banking unit to its depository arm” with the help of the Federal Reserve Board. JP Morgan is about to follow suit, moving $79 trillion from its “unit” to its “arm.” This shift means that the [...]
Dec 29 2011 | Posted in
Administration |
Read More »
By Kenny Heidt WASHINGTON—After a decade of research and millions of dollars spent, the Federal Trade Commission has concluded that the social giant Facebook is not a safe place for people’s privacy and has decided to de-friend Facebook and its creator Mark Zuckerberg. A spokesperson for the FTC told a group of reporters that, “The [...]
Dec 29 2011 | Posted in
Administration |
Read More »
By Garrett Baldwin WASHINGTON—In an effort to stem rising unemployment figures, President Barack Obama has given his teleprompter the boot and will hire cue card holders for all planned speeches in the near future. “This is a perfect opportunity for people with outstanding handwriting and the ability to stand idle for long periods of time,” [...]
Dec 29 2011 | Posted in
Administration |
Read More »
By Delia Hersh WASHINGTON— According to some interpretations of the Mayan calendar, the world will come to an end exactly 364 days from today, on December 22, 2012. People all around the world have begun preparing for their last year on earth – including President of the United States, Barack Obama. An anonymous source has leaked [...]
Dec 23 2011 | Posted in
Administration |
Read More »
What is your age group? By Julie Roberts WASHINGTON—Famous lingerie chain Victoria’s Secret has announced that Secretary of State Hillary Clinton will become their brand ambassador and the face of their new collection Bootylicious. The collection is to be presented in the fall 2011 season and is aimed at the “average American sized woman.” No [...]
Dec 22 2011 | Posted in
Administration |
Read More »
By Delia Hersh WASHINGTON—According to evidence not yet released, scientists at the independent research institute Hidin’ Biden have managed to prove conclusively that Biden does, in fact, exist. “It’s been difficult, certainly,” stated a source, who preferred to remain anonymous. “We nearly gave up after we lost sight of him for six months straight—but though we’re [...]
Dec 22 2011 | Posted in
Administration |
Read More »
By David Epstein BIRMINGHAM—After learning that a local Muslim group was seeking to build a mosque in their city, residents of Birmingham have moved quickly to pass a law that would prevent large groups of Muslims from gathering. However, due to the misspelling of “Muslim” as “Muslin,” the concerned citizens confused the religion for over [...]
Dec 21 2011 | Posted in
Administration |
Read More »
By Lorenzo Rearden WASHINGTON – The Washington Fancy has recently discovered that popular daily discount coupon website “Groupon” is being sued by Vice President Joe Biden. Biden became infuriated when Groupon, which offers significantly reduced prices on a multitude of recreational, activities, could not utilize his favorite discounts due to his hectic travel schedule. Biden will no [...]
Dec 18 2011 | Posted in
Administration |
Read More »
By Pat Chillé WASHINGTON—Acknowledging the country’s stagnant job market, President Obama announced a new plan this morning to simulate a healthy economy using CGI technology. Speaking at a White House press conference, Obama said Transformers director Michael Bay would be using state-of-the-art computer graphics to create the appearance of economic prosperity. According to White House [...]
Dec 16 2011 | Posted in
Administration |
Read More »
By William Celloutte WASHINGTON—In a press statement released today, White House Chief of Staff Bill Daley announced that months after Rahm Emanuel resigned from the position of Chief of Staff, the office is still receiving mail intended for the new Mayor of Chicago. The statement read, “Day in and day out, the Office of the [...]
Dec 14 2011 | Posted in
Administration |
Read More »
By J. Gordon Witte WILMINGTON—Vice President Joe Biden made a verbal gaffe this weekend when he referenced “checking another box on our Socialist Master Plan” to a crowd of passengers aboard the Amtrak train to Wilmington. He then proceeded to talk about his hope for the coming football season and professed to be able to predict the [...]
Dec 13 2011 | Posted in
Administration |
Read More »
By Kenny Heidt INDIANAPOLIS—State officials were shocked on Tuesday when Indiana Governor Mitch Daniels claimed to have found close to $300 million in an unmarked paper bag outside the state Capitol’s front door. “It was the weirdest thing,” Daniels told the press, still in a state of shock. “I’m so used to protestors leaving flaming [...]
Dec 12 2011 | Posted in
Administration |
Read More »
SEATTLE — After days of wondering about the potential security implications that might stem from the downed RQ-170 reconnaissance drone in Iran, worries have been abated after Microsoft announced that it was their new console prototype, not a drone, that had been captured. “We were testing the new Xbox 720 over the Iranian skies, when [...]
Dec 9 2011 | Posted in
Administration |
Read More »
WASHINGTON—This past weekend, under great pressure from NATO, President Obama uploaded a Youtube video possibly saying something. The video, entitled “Obamma pakistan lolcatz” lasts 1 minute and 39 seconds-1 minute, 35 seconds of which consists of an inebriated Obama shouting expletives at a clip from the last Republican Debate. In the final four seconds, the [...]
Dec 5 2011 | Posted in
Administration |
Read More »
WASHINGTON—New papers released by the White House note that President Obama has called for the nuclear football – the briefcase used to launch a nuclear attack – on 78 occasions. President Obama in particular has been accused of lacking a backbone in regard to issues of foreign relations. However, these accusations have proven to be [...]
Nov 30 2011 | Posted in
Administration |
Read More »
NEW YORK—Former Bush Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice has announced this week that she will be publishing a cookbook as a companion piece to her memoir, No Higher Honor. The cookbook, entitled Recipes of Mass Consumption, will feature different meals that should be prepared to help the reader swallow the stories told in her memoir. [...]
Nov 28 2011 | Posted in
Administration |
Read More »
MADISON—Wisconsin governor Scott Walker has stepped forward as one of the most aggressive members of the Republican Party. This aggressiveness has made his removal from office a priority of the opposing Democratic Party. While his approval rating is only slightly lower than his disapproval rating, the left has begun a heavy push to recall Walker [...]
Nov 23 2011 | Posted in
Administration |
Read More »
WASHINGTON — President Barack Obama suffered a national embarrassment this week when his Fantasy Football was determined the worst in the Presidential Fantasy Football League, going so far as to rank behind Former Presidents, Richard Nixon’s and George H.W. Bush. “How can he lead this country if he can’t even make a proper draft pick,” [...]
Nov 22 2011 | Posted in
Administration |
Read More »
WASHINGTON – Ten months into the job, Press Secretary Jay Carney is still the awkward guy at the White House, according to insiders. “He came into the meeting, looked around nervously and gave us gun fingers,” Boe Jiden, an anonymous White House insider, told The Washington Fancy. ” We all looked around thinking, ‘What? A [...]
Nov 17 2011 | Posted in
Administration |
Read More »
TALLAHASSEE—The debt troubles of the United States has reached a new level. The desperation of the budget shortfalls has forced the federal government to take drastic action: putting the state of Florida for sale on eBay. Florida Governor Rick Scott had the following to say on the planned sale;“This is a disaster. Who is going [...]
Nov 15 2011 | Posted in
Administration |
Read More »
WASHINGTON—Barack Obama’s approval rating announced today its resignation from the White House. Citing “personal reasons,” the rating said it would leave immediately, but wished Obama the best. ”It’s been a wonderful two and a half years,” the rating said. “Unfortunately, I feel its time for me to move on. I wish the president well as he [...]
Nov 14 2011 | Posted in
Administration |
Read More »
ROCKPORT, TX—Judge William Adams has announced that, after being beaten in response for physically assaulting his own daughter, he realizes that he “deserved it” and therefore will not be pressing any charges against his attackers. Judge William Adams gained national attention when his daughter, Hillary Adams, posted a video of her father assaulting her on [...]
Nov 10 2011 | Posted in
Administration |
Read More »
WASHINGTON—President Obama made a surprise stop at a New York City recording studio this past Tuesday as he joined the several aging rock stars and B-list celebrities gathered for a remake of the “Voices that Care” video that was first released in 1991 at the conclusion of the First Gulf War. “Ever since we lost [...]
Nov 7 2011 | Posted in
Administration |
Read More »
WASHINGTON — Earlier this week, President Obama announced that he would introduce the Submarine Mortgage-Refinancing Program in an effort to provide relief to homeowners whose mortgages are worth more than the value of their homes. Currently, one in four mortgages, approximately 11 million households, have an underwater mortgage, the worst of which reside in areas [...]
Nov 3 2011 | Posted in
Administration |
Read More »
WASHINGTON — An intern working in the Hart Senate building stormed out of the office on Tuesday, screaming that she was sick and tired of not having the opportunity to give any “important people” a blow job. Samantha Colston, 22, quit her position as a filing intern, citing a “lack of oral sex demand” and [...]
Nov 2 2011 | Posted in
Administration |
Read More »
WASHINGTON – After three years of leading the free world through numerous crises and acquiring a disturbing amount of gray hair, President Obama has decided to partner with hair coloring giant Just for Men to reinvent himself with new “hope” and a youthful “change.” The White House confirmed that the President will appear in several [...]
Nov 1 2011 | Posted in
Administration |
Read More »
JACKSON – The capital of Mississippi has become the rallying point of an emergent and energized national movement to restrict access to abortions. Born out of a drive to pass ‘person-hood laws,’ which declare that life officially begins at conception, Mississippi has passed a law declaring that, for legal purposes, life begins when two people first have the idea [...]
Oct 31 2011 | Posted in
Administration |
Read More »
WASHINGTON – President Obama announced a new round of stimulus on Wednesday morning aimed at employing boxcar hobos and cashing in on society’s reluctance to engage in adult conversation when it comes to bad news. Speaking at the U.S. Department of Commerce headquarters, The President said that his administration, with the leadership of Commerce Secretary [...]
Oct 26 2011 | Posted in
Administration |
Read More »
WASHINGTON – It appears that page 1,425 of the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act, otherwise known as the “Obamacare” Bill, features a little financial gambit known as the “U.S. Federal Revenue Transaction Multiplier.” This “Transaction Multiplier” is a new tax that will raise all other taxes by 11% starting in 2013. “This is actually [...]
Oct 24 2011 | Posted in
Administration |
Read More »
PRESS CONFERENCE, 10/20/11 WASHINGTON, D.C. Arne Duncan: “In recent years, evidence has shown that the average American’s grasp on world geography is at an all time, embarrassing low. Michele Bachmann’s most recent gaffe – that Libya is, in fact, not part of Africa – has finally convinced me that something drastic must be done.” Next [...]
Oct 20 2011 | Posted in
Administration |
Read More »
NEW YORK – President Obama arrived at Zuccotti Park today in solidarity with ‘Occupy Wall Street’ protesters. Pitching a tent with the help of his Secret Service team, the president said he wanted to finally demonstrate his support for hard-working, middle class Americans. “I can’t get anything done at the White House,” Obama said. “It’s [...]
Oct 19 2011 | Posted in
Administration |
Read More »
DETROIT — General Motors Co. announced plans today to introduce a pure electric version of the Chevrolet Spark as the “green” car that carries Federal Law Enforcement into the next century starting in 2013. The United States Secret Service will be first to fully replace their bulky, inefficient, gas-guzzling SUVs with this high tech, high-powered [...]
Oct 17 2011 | Posted in
Administration |
Read More »
WASHINGTON — Tired of being blamed for the country’s economic woes, and prodded by the ‘Occupy Wall Street’ movement, Wall Street is striking back. Bankers have united to form the ‘Occupy Main Street’ movement. In certain key cities, bankers intend to organize protests to voice their frustrations. ”We are job creators,” said Vice President of Bank of [...]
Oct 13 2011 | Posted in
Administration |
Read More »
WASHINGTON – White House representative announced, that President Barack Obama is considering if he should accept a loan offered by the Social Club of Rich and Especially Wealthy of Middle East (SCREWME). The Social Club of Rich and Especially Wealthy of Middle East consists of leaders from Arab countries, who share in the same interests. [...]
Oct 12 2011 | Posted in
Administration |
Read More »
ANNAPOLIS, MD— President Barack Obama abruptly left a Department of Education picnic on Monday, and in the process deserted some of the country’s most cherished principals. The event, held at Annapolis High School, was organized as a means of celebrating American learning and wisdom and the people who help to cultivate it. After meeting with [...]
Oct 11 2011 | Posted in
Administration |
Read More »
GENEVA — Albert Einstein went down in history as one of the most influential men of science of all time. His theories of relativity and countless other scientific advancement have formed the model of modern physics research. However, his reign as king of science has come to an end. A group of scientists at CERN [...]
Oct 7 2011 | Posted in
Administration |
Read More »
WASHINGTON — In an unprecedented show of support for 2nd Amendment rights, President Obama is taking his family and a few friends from NASA, DHS, FEMA, Congress, and the corporate world to visit what is believed to be the 58th State, and he is going with a “Cocked Pistol.” That 58th state resides somewhere under Denver, and is [...]
Oct 4 2011 | Posted in
Administration |
Read More »
WASHINGTON – With the top leadership of the U.S. Postal Service warning that the organization could run out of funds by the end of the year, the mail-carrying agency is looking for new and unusual ways to reduce its budget. Suggestions include cuts to pension plans and the end of mail delivery on Saturday. Now, Postmaster [...]
Sep 28 2011 | Posted in
Administration |
Read More »
WASHINGTON — Television programming has had a major shift over the past decade. Reality television programs, featuring “real-world people” as opposed to pre-scripted fiction, have taken center stage on the airwaves. Given the popularity of reality televisions and their democratic method of eliminating contestants, it comes as no surprise that they are gaining a foothold [...]
Sep 27 2011 | Posted in
Administration |
Read More »
WASHINGTON – In what has been called a “masterful plan of misdirection,” the Obama administration has implemented a top-secret project to take away Internet access from people who are unable to discern fact from fiction, otherwise known as “Internet Idiots.” Officially called “Cyberspace Storm,” the government crackdown on Internet idiocy wove together little known provisions [...]
Sep 26 2011 | Posted in
Administration |
Read More »
WASHINGTON — A White House insider has revealed that President Obama’s re-election campaign will run under the new campaign slogan, “Barack Obama: He’s Better Looking Than the Other Guy,” emphasizing the youth, physique, and hair of the current leader of the free world. “We felt that this slogan truly highlights the positive qualities of the [...]
Sep 24 2011 | Posted in
Administration |
Read More »
WASHINGTON – President Obama has announced that, in coordination with the Treasury Department and Timothy Geithner, the United States has found a way to cover all liabilities for at least a week past the current debt-ceiling deadline. After weeks of searching for a solution to the debt crisis, Geithner placed his hand in his suit [...]
Sep 22 2011 | Posted in
Administration |
Read More »
ATLANTA — Experts cannot agree on a consistent value for a human life, because it is impossible to find consistent standards. This discussion is causing problems for all sorts of professionals in government, insurance underwriters, actuaries and others. The average person should have life insurance policies that may provide them between $10,000-$100,000 dollars. However, if [...]
Sep 19 2011 | Posted in
Administration |
Read More »
WASHINGTON – This week, the United States Supreme Court halted the execution of a Texas man who is responsible for murdering two people in 1997. In reality, the Court’s decision was never about moral or legal grounds; it was about preventing Governor Perry from executing his 235th criminal, which would have given him the Guinness Record [...]
Sep 17 2011 | Posted in
Administration |
Read More »
WASHINGTON – A hologram of candidate Obama from the 2008 race challenged President Obama today for the 2012 Democratic ticket. The virtual projection, invented by a team of liberal engineers from the University of California Berkeley announced his campaign at a rally in the nation’s capital. “I will not rest until we reduce the deficit, [...]
Sep 14 2011 | Posted in
Administration |
Read More »
WASHINGTON – United States Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner is undergoing a psychological evaluation after he was discovered staring aimlessly at his Facebook profile on Sunday. Geithner was removed from his New York apartment after it was revealed that he received a one-line taunt on his Facebook wall from none other than investing legend and billionaire Warren [...]
Sep 12 2011 | Posted in
Administration |
Read More »
WASHINGTON — President Obama’s most recent attempt to rectify the national unemployment has been both lauded and degraded. With the liberal and conservative media fiercely debating the September 8th speech, the satirical news media has had a field day. Behind the scenes of the Obama administration, the truth of the jobs plan came out to The [...]
Sep 9 2011 | Posted in
Administration |
Read More »
MADISON — Labor Day has been observed in the United States since 1882, when the American Federation of Labor began the tradition. Since then, the national holiday has been welcomed by the blue-collar sector. This tradition has come to an end in Wisconsin, as Governor Scott Walker took aim against the holiday. “We all know [...]
Sep 6 2011 | Posted in
Administration |
Read More »
WASHINGTON – The recent retirement of four-star general David Petraeus – required for his new position as civilian head of the CIA – was followed today by vicious personal attacks by Republican presidential candidates Rick Perry and Michele Bachmann. The mastermind and theoretical brain behind U.S. counterinsurgency strategy in Iraq and Afghanistan, as well as [...]
Sep 3 2011 | Posted in
Administration |
Read More »
WEST MEMPHIS—President Obama shocked his staunchest supporters today after deciding to take the Alford plea on his presidency. The same plea deal the West Memphis Three took to get out of jail, though still guilty, will allow the president to walk free, play golf, and go on vacations, without shirking from the responsibility of overspending. [...]
Sep 1 2011 | Posted in
Administration |
Read More »
NEW YORK — The pop music community honored its most popular Sunday at MTV’s perennial award show, The Video Music Awards. Seated in the back row were MC Hammer, the cast of Cop Rock, Liam Gallagher and a very vocal Joe Biden. The Veep presence had only been a rumor until the Michael Jackson Video [...]
Aug 31 2011 | Posted in
Administration |
Read More »
WASHINGTON — The debate over corporate personhood leaped over another milestone with the recent victory of Citizen United over the Federal Election Commission. With the ever-thinning divide between corporations and persons, a new definition of person had to be created. In a landmark Supreme Court decision, the personhood of American citizens has been revoked. “It’s just [...]
Aug 30 2011 | Posted in
Administration |
Read More »
WASHINGTON – Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner, who most recently was seen lashing out at Standard & Poor’s after their decision to downgrade the U.S. debt quality, places the blame of another miserable week for the economy not on the Europeans or the quantitative traders, but on another group of individuals entirely: Juggalos. For those unaware, a [...]
Aug 22 2011 | Posted in
Administration |
Read More »
CAMP DAVID—President Barack Obama’s ego suffered a serious blow on August 16th, when his guests inexplicably abandoned his barbeque party at Camp David. The party lasted only about 45 minutes, because Obama began rehashing the stories of his few political successes. “We were having a real nice time,” said Nancy Pelosi. “That was until Obama [...]
Aug 20 2011 | Posted in
Administration |
Read More »
WASHINGTON — In a rare display of bipartisan cooperation, both parties in Congress have joined President Obama to craft an omnibus bill that could restore the United States to its former greatness. The Law of Unintended Consequences was created by randomly selecting one page from every bill that has died in committee in both houses [...]
Aug 19 2011 | Posted in
Administration |
Read More »
CHICAGO – Mayor Rahm Emanuel has barred NFL referees from issuing flags for late hits on any Green Bay Packers player during the 2011 and 2012 season. This controversial order is a direct response to the 2010 NFC Championship game that cost Rahm Emanuel’s bookie two kneecaps after he stupidly tried to collect from the [...]
Aug 17 2011 | Posted in
Administration |
Read More »
WASHINGTON — Amidst fire-breathing dragons, dogs that pick up their own feces, and a 110-percent approval rating, millions of new American jobs were discovered Tuesday as part of an ongoing daydream in the “wild” imagination of President Barack Obama. “The world should be more like this,” Obama said, smiling, adding that as he spoke he [...]
Aug 13 2011 | Posted in
Administration |
Read More »
WASHINGTON – Frustrated by the “fundamental abuse and mishandling of our nation’s resources,” President Obama declared Friday morning that he is confiscating all U.S. credit cards with intent to “run them all through a good shredder”. The President was stern and unrelenting in his scolding of the nation, expressing disappointment as he shook his head [...]
Aug 12 2011 | Posted in
Administration |
Read More »
WASHINGTON – In an address to the nation broadcast on all major TV networks, President Obama announced the “liquidation” of the Board of Directors of the Standard & Poor’s credit rating agency, as well as its chief accountants and economists. Citing a “clear and present danger” to the country from the recent downgrading of the [...]
Aug 11 2011 | Posted in
Administration |
Read More »
MADISON – Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker today announced he plans to ban all expressions of happiness in the state – including smiling, laughing and giggling. Walker said expressions of joy are “socialist by nature” and that his plan will lead to better work productivity as well as a lower unemployment rates. ”The Soviet Commies were always [...]
Aug 7 2011 | Posted in
Administration |
Read More »
THE KLEPTOCRATIC REPUBLIC OF COLUMBIA - It is no secret that the recent debt ceiling debate has ignited a firestorm of controversy concerning spending outlays in Washington, as well as the affluence of politicians on the government dime. Calls, emails, and pigeon-carried messages flooded the former capital highlighting the people’s dissatisfaction with the conduct of both [...]
Aug 6 2011 | Posted in
Administration |
Read More »
WASHINGTON, DC—Late Saturday, Vice President Joe Biden expressed his disappointment in ex-Rep. Anthony Weiner’s (D-NY) Twitter scandal. “I think Rep. Weiner’s resignation is best for the country,” said Vice President Biden. “I am sorry for his wife, his family, and his constituents, but it is time to focus on jobs and the economy.” Yet he [...]
Aug 4 2011 | Posted in
Administration |
Read More »
WASHINGTON — With seemingly every recourse exhausted, the United States believes that they may have finally found a solution to their fiscal crisis, and more importantly, an untapped source of American opulence: the country’s exorbitant amount of “shitty pop stars.” Less than twenty four hours after President Obama announced the development, it is already being [...]
Aug 3 2011 | Posted in
Administration |
Read More »
CAPE CANAVERAL — According to a recent survey by the U.S. Bureau of Statistics, the number one concern regarding NASA’s cutbacks, aside from the termination of the Shuttle program, appears to be defenselessness against an invasion from the transforming alien race known as the Decepticons. Despite assurances of safety from President Barack Obama, as well [...]
Aug 2 2011 | Posted in
Administration |
Read More »
WASHINGTON – The White House Press Conference with Jay Carney took on an unexpected turn this week, as the entire White Hoise was completely unsure whether the Press Secretary was wearing pants behind the pulpit. On the blistering summer day in Washington, Carney seemed unusually calm, cool, and composed as the rest of the Press [...]
Jul 28 2011 | Posted in
Administration |
Read More »
WASHINGTON — Joe Biden stirred controversy on Tuesday when he stated off-the-record that soccer is “gay.” The Vice President made the statement an hour after the Los Angeles Galaxy tied yet ultimately lost to Manchester City in a penalty shootout. His statement was leaked when a tape recorder inadvertently picked up the comment, and another [...]
Jul 25 2011 | Posted in
Administration |
Read More »
WASHINGTON—A new Gallup poll shows a majority of Americans would not mind the chaos and disorder that would result from national default. The poll, released Thursday, included a preface that explained a national default, set to take effect August 2 should Congress fail to raise the debt ceiling, would leave the government without the ability [...]
Jul 23 2011 | Posted in
Administration |
Read More »
NEW YORK – From New York to California, 14 teenagers were arrested on Wednesday after the FBI raided their rooms. The teens, working on behalf of the hacking group “Anonymous,” breached News International servers and were prepared to post emails related to Murdoch’s News Corp when the FBI’s sting operation stopped them just in time. The teenagers claim [...]
Jul 21 2011 | Posted in
Administration |
Read More »
WASHINGTON – It is now estimated that as many as 34% of all grade school children are behind on their dollhouse payments. Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke admitted this morning that the outlook for the doll housing market is far bleaker than previously reported, as supply drastically outpaces demand. Millions of American dolls are now homeless. “We [...]
Jul 7 2011 | Posted in
Administration |
Read More »
WASHINGTON—After the public outcry following yesterday’s acquittal of Casey Anthony, President Barack Obama gave the orders for a CIA strike on Anthony with unmanned drones, traditionally used in fighting Islamic terrorists abroad. In Orlando, the Florida jury’s verdict acquitting Anthony of murdering her daughter Caylee, brought multitudes of affluent tabloid television viewers onto news and [...]
WASHINGTON — President Barack Obama announced today that the United States will immediately go on a one day holiday to discuss the verdict of the Casey Anthony trial. “Like many Americans,” Obama said at a press conference today, “I have been completely transfixed by the Casey Anthony trial. The changing story, the revolving door of [...]
WASHINGTON – Despite the sharp partisan divide in Congress over cutting the budget deficit, President Obama told reporters he is confident a deal will be reached and that he has already hired a contractor to raise the nation’s debt ceiling. “This is something that must be done to avoid economic chaos,” said the President. “Therefore, [...]
Jul 5 2011 | Posted in
Administration |
Read More »
WASHINGTON – As the House of Representatives, the Senate and the White House continue fighting over budget cuts, there seems to be one thing that everyone agrees on: July 4th is too expensive and must be canceled. Possibly to show its degree of seriousness is about slashing deficits, Congress has decided to keep working and [...]
[President Obama, in a speech on Saturday, sought to ease the nerves of a nation frayed by the drama unfolding in the trial of Casey Anthony. The trial of Anthony, accused of murdering her daughter Caylee, has been under way since late May and has drawn rapt audiences, as evidenced by wall-to-wall CNN coverage. Understanding [...]
Jul 1 2011 | Posted in
Administration |
Read More »
KINSHASA, DEMOCRATIC REPUBLIC OF THE CONGO – Michelle Obama completed her tour of Africa with a benediction for all of Africa’s starved. “In my country, we have this problem of too many people being fat. The first thing I noticed here is that you all really are too skinny. Look, I realize that having a [...]
Jun 29 2011 | Posted in
Administration |
Read More »
WASHINGTON—With the cost of crude oil topping $100 a barrel, the federal government was forced to tap into our oil reserves to cap prices. The fuel scare has left many in our nation’s government scrambling to find a solution. A natural substitute, sebum has been presented as a solution. Sebum, the substance coating the skin [...]
Jun 28 2011 | Posted in
Administration |
Read More »
WASHINGTON - Vice President Joe Biden saw his shadow on Monday, signaling six more weeks of explicative-laced rhetoric about his economic recovery program. “I’m happy to let you all know that the Vice President woke up this morning and saw a shadow of himself on the ground,” said White House Press Secretary Jay Carney. “It scared [...]
ATLANTIC CITY, NJ – Donald Trump, real estate mogul and political liability, has moved on from questioning the validity of the President’s place of birth and now wants to know about the ethnic legacy of the First Dog. Multiple news outlets have verified that Mr. Trump has actually sent a letter to the Portugese government [...]
Jun 27 2011 | Posted in
Administration |
Read More »
CINCINNATI—When the Center for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) released a statement on May 21st instructing people to prepare for a zombie invasion, it attracted plenty negative attention. However, what seemed like waste of time and resources was qualified on June 25th, when a zombie epidemic struck several suburbs of Cincinnati, Ohio. “Back in May, [...]
Jun 21 2011 | Posted in
Administration |
Read More »
WASHINGTON D.C. – In an effort to further enhance national hatred of goofy-looking white basketball players from the Raleigh-Durham based bastion of academia, Duke senior forward Kyle Singler has created a viral tour de force that has the internet abuzz. The video of him doing trick shots from random locales across Duke’s campus, including the school swimming [...]
Jun 20 2011 | Posted in
Administration |
Read More »
WASHINGTON – It seems President Obama’s visit to his ancestral roots in Moneygall, Ireland was all a charade. Between his speech in Dublin and his pint of Guinness, President Obama secretly ordered a small Navy SEAL team to fly into Ireland and kidnap a 3-foot tall, obscenity-spewing Leprechaun named O’Malley. The mission was code-named ”Operation Lucky [...]
Jun 14 2011 | Posted in
Administration |
Read More »
